Jugo

This week we talk about the only nice kid Orochimaru ever raised! He loves birds, has soft hair, and there's not a single shirt in the world that fits him. He had to start his own line of unisex clothing for anything to fit him! That's right! It's Jugo!

Transcript can be found here: https://tildeathdousnart.buzzsprout.com/

A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!

If you enjoyed the show please consider donating to our Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/tddun

Transcript

Alyssa (Intro): Seriousness and children should be left at the door. Very little of what our hosts are about to say is factual but will be crass. This is… Til Death Do us Nart.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]

Sarah: Okay

Alena: Do I--? Do I--?

Sarah: I forgot how we start the goddamn podcast again--

All: [having a small crisis all speaking over one another]

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: I know, it’s part of the fucking intro at this point, that I dont know how to start the podcast.

Alena: Um--

Alyssa: And sometimes I cut it out, and sometimes I don’t. I’m not cutting it out this time.

Alena: I think it’s-- welcome to Instant Naruto Death, I’m Jugo

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Today we’re talking about Sarah.

Sarah: Now Alena, if you’re Jugo-- NO-- I don’t wanna talk about meee.

Alena: I’m Jugo!

Sarah: I’m Jugo. We’re talking about Sarah today.

Alyssa: I thought you guys were Naruto.

Alena: Not this week.

Sarah: I thought you were Naruto.

Alena: We’re switching it up.

Alyssa: No, I’m Sakura.

Sarah: Oh fuck. I gotta go [laughing] I gotta go--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: --we’re already off to a rough start in this one, buddy.

Alena: It’s difficult.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: So this week, we are… this week we are talking about Jugo.

Alyssa: Yeah!

Alena: We are--

Sarah: Who I love. 

Alena: Yeah. Team Taka member.

Sarah: We’re starting our series on Team Taka.

Alena: Resident good big boy. Jugo. Who doesn’t appear to have a last name. But that’s okay, he’s more of a one-namer. 

Alyssa: Yeah, I mean why not?

Sarah: He’s more of a one-namer. He’s like Rihanna, just like Jugo.

Alena: Just like-- now I almost said “Just like Rihanna, or Ringo Starr” not realizing that that is in fact a two-name.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: That is in fact-- that is in fact a two-name. That’s what we call those.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: That’s my two-name. You, a two-name.

Alyssa: Or like… Madonna.

Sarah: Madonna-- yeah!

Alena: You think Madonna knows Jugo?

Sarah: Yeah, I think Madonna knows Jugo.

Alena: Probably. Who doesn’t? He’s so personable.

Sarah: Who doesn’t? He’s so personable, so kind, so large! Um, well I think we can get off to a fuckin’ roaring start here. And Alyssa. Alyssa, what is your first Jugo fact that you know is true about him?

Alena: Um.. what do I know about Jugo?

Sarah: What do you know about Jugo?

Alyssa: What do I know? He’s adorable, that’s what I know about him. 

Sarah: He is a sweet boy! He’s like, very very kind. I love him.

Alyssa: Like… If I remember right, he’s kind of a himbo?

Alena: He--

Sarah: He is-- he is a little bit of a himbo, but I believe he’s actually quite smart, I will say.

Alena: He is, he’s--

Alyssa: Here’s the thing about himbos, most of them are smart in like that secret type of smart.

Sarah: No--

Alena: Yeah, but I think that he’s not secret-smart, I think that he’s book smart. Doesn't he read a lot? In prison?

Sarah: Yeah!

Alena: Which is where he is!

Sarah: Jugo actually is quite intelligent.

Alena: I think Jugo has a degree in something.

Alyssa: Jugo reads?

Sarah: I think Jugo has a degree-- yes! 

Alena: Of course he reads!!

Sarah: Look at him, he’s probably the smartest person on his team, they just never listen to him.

Alena: Now. I want you to look at Team Taka. Look at everyone, except [CENSORED], fuck [CENSORED]

Sarah: Fuck [CENSORED]

Alena: I want you to look at all of them. Between him, Karin-- who of course reads, she has glasses, that’s how you know she can read--

Sarah: Yeah, that’s how you know she reads, yes.

Alena: Between him and Suigetsu, the other main member-- [laughs] Suigetsu can’t read--

Sarah: [laughing] Suigetsu-- Suigetsu literally cannot read. He doesn’t want to read--

Alyssa: I forgot--

Sarah: If you--

Alyssa: Jugo is big…

Sarah: Jugo is very big--

Alena: Suigetsu’s selectively illiterate  [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah he’s selectively illiterate.

Alena: He-- listen-- they taught him how to read, and he made the choice to forget.

Alyssa: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah, he was like no, I’d actually rather not.

Alena: Jugo’s not that man. He knows how to read, he reads a lot.

Sarah: He reads to his little bird friends.

Alena: he’s very smart. He’s um.. He’s endearing in the sort of way that um… while it is canon that his lil curse mark makes him kinda wig out a little bit, he’s just a very nice little boy.

Sarah: He’s very gentle

Alena: He doesn’t want to hurt people, and I can’t keep talking about that or I’m going to start crying about how much I love him.

Sarah: Yeah, same.

Alena: Cause they have the kind little character about him is that he doesn’t want to hurt people, and he can’t help that he’s like that. And you know. Hey guys?It’s a little fucked up how he went to Orochimaru and was like “Hey bro, do you think that you can help me with my anger problems?” and Orochimaru was like, “Hahahahaha Of course, dear boy.” And then proceeded to make him have literally the equivalent of like… ‘roid rage? Like…

Alyssa: Yeah...

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: And it’s like-- Hey dude? Hey dude-- this isn’t the Orochimaru episode. Fuck Orochimaru. That was messed up.

Sarah: Hey, that was messed up, dude.

Alena: Orochimaru kinda sucks.

Sarah: He kinda sucks-- he was like, “Yeah, this child doesn’t want to hurt anybody. I’m going to make sure that he knows how to hurt people very efficiently.”

Alena: Exactly. “Hurting people but with Style! You know. Like I do.”

Alyssa: Orochimaru is that person who looks at a small child who is just having too good of a day and goes, “Hm… how can I ruin this?”

Sarah: Hey, um--

Alena: “How can I cause a problem for an orphan?”

Sarah: Hey-- not to hop on this, I think that this is actually a very interesting fact about Jugo. It is a legitimate fact. I actually didn’t know that-- Okay, so Orochimaru didn’t have to put a curse mark on him. That’s just what his clan does. They can transform--

Alena: Ohh!

Sarah: --themselves like that.

Alena: They just Do That.

Sarah: And-- yeah, he’s had Jugo for a while, and the reason-- the reason Orochimaru can like, turn people. Like Give them curse marks and let them transform is because he gives them some of Jugo's blood or something.

Alyssa: Oh heck yeah!

Alena: Oh! That’s worse than I thought.

Sarah: Yeah, um--

Alena: That’s a worse thing.

Sarah: All of it derives from him. It like, they give him some of-- Orochimaru, he-- Orochimaru gives people parts of Jugo’s DNA and that transfers that ability to them. So he is like--

Alena: Oh my god… So he just splices it on in like a fuckin citrus tree. Oh…

Sarah: Yeah!

Alena: That’s difficult.

Sarah: That’s really fucked up.

Alena: I can’t make a joke outta that one, that’s just sad. [laughing]

Sarah: We have to stop it, cause nothing’s funny about this part of Jugo, I’m actually just quite depressed. I’m worried about him--

Alena: Like, actually? Jugo had a very rough childhood.

Sarah: Um-- [laughing] quite.

Alyssa: So yeah, um… fuck Orochimaru.

Sarah: Fuck Orochimaru on this one, buddy. That’s pretty fucked up dude. I can have a little lighter-toned fact here--

Alyssa: Please do.

Sarah: -- laid out in front of me? Did you know: His hobbies are forest bathing and playing with birds.

Alena: Now--

Sarah: And forest bathing is not getting naked and taking a bath in the woods--

Alena: Okay--

Sarah: Forest bathing is actually a practice in which you go on nice little hikes and enjoy nature. And it’s a meditation tactic. It’s actually used in some therapy as a nature therapy. You just go and spend some time with trees and it gives you serotonin, essentially.

Alena: Why is he just-- I can’t-- He’s just a kind little man. 

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: He’s just a kind little boy. He’s just nice.

Sarah: Yeah. He loves playing with BIRDS! Fuck.

Alena: He likes playing with birds. 

Sarah: He’s so good!

Alena: Now… 

Alyssa: Birds.

Alena: Now I’d like to point something out that may take us down a road that we’d all enjoy traversing on this little evening. 

Alyssa: Oh no.

Alena: But also might be a little difficult to kinda uh-- chew on. But I think it’s important that we all consider this. 

Alyssa: Here she goes.

Alena: Who else-- who else do we know? That’s kinda big, doesn’t know his own strength, doesn’t wanna hurt anyone, likes animals, and likes to go on little hikes?

Sarah: [fearful] Um-- a lot of characters I like.

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: I’m feeling a little cornered right now.

Alena: Go ahead. Pick one.

Sarah: Um..

Alena: Pick one, because I feel like you know which one I mean.

Sarah: I think you should pick one cause I’m scared of picking the wrong on and fucking up your joke.

Alena: That’s right everybody, it’s of course Kronk from The Emperor’s New Groove.

Sarah & Alyssa: [GASPING LAUGHTER]

Sarah: You’re so right!! Hey, Jugo and Kronk would be really good friends. I’m crying--

Alena: Now--

Sarah: I wish they would-- Oh my god. This means [CENSORED]--- [CENSORED] is Jugo’s Yzma.

Alena: Now I think it’s rather bold of you-- First of all,  I refuse to believe it.

Sarah: Orochimaru’s right there, I’m sorry.

Alena: No, No-- nonono. Nono.. Who does he have sitting on his shoulder through half of this-- little purple bitch ready to bust him outta jail, that’s right, it’s Yzma. Suigetsu.  

Sarah: Um-- nononono, I’m sorry, Yzma would never bust Kronk out of jail. She would leave him there.

Alena: You’re correct, you’re correct, actually.

Alyssa: Yeah…

Sarah: She would leave him there.

Alena: It’s actually Orochimaru cause, I’m sorry, I gave Yzma the credit of being a good friend.

Sarah: Yzma’s not a good friend, you know who would break him out of jail? Kuzco would break him out of jail. Maybe.

Alena: Kuzco would break you out of jail.

Sarah: Post-llama Kuzco. Suigetsu is post-llama Kuzco.

Alena: [wheezing laughter]

Sarah: [laughing]

Alena: He’s already gone through his llama transformation character development arc. Which of course, as we all know, is a classic cycle that happens in the tale of every great hero. Hercules had his, Suigetsu had his, Kuzco has his--

Alyssa: I’m pretty sure that is the hero’s journey? Is you have to turn into a llama to be a good person.

Alena: You get turned into a llama!

Sarah: You have to turn into a llama!

Alena: Listen--

Sarah: I’ll be real--

Alena: You turn into a llama, and then Jugo steals you but doesn’t have the heart to drown you in a waterfall. And then you-- Who…. Who is Pacha?

Sarah: I don’t think Jugo could drown Suigetsu in a waterfall.

Alena: [laughing] As much as he might want to I don’t think he has the heart.

Sarah: [cackling] I don’t think he has the heart! Though I think Suigetsu would really just be okay with being turned into a llama. I think he’d be fine with it. 

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: He’d be very chill. He’d be the first ever documented llama with like… shark teeth, and that’s something that I don’t like.

Sarah: And I think that he'd love being that.

Alena: Yeah. I also feel like Suigetsu can’t drown.

Sarah: Oh, no no no, He is made of water.

Alena: But that’s a conversation for another day.

Sarah: I don’t think he can drown, he’s always hydrated.You know part of--

Alyssa: Is that the other thing, with Mist Village kids, that they can’t drown?

Sarah: Oh, no, Suigetsu’s just fucking like that.

Alyssa: Oh okay.

Alena: Yeah no, he’s just like that.

Sarah: He’s special, he’s weird.

Alena: He’s built different.

Sarah: He’s built different. We can’t talk about him too much, because we’ll talk about him next episode.

Alena: We can’t talk about him too much.

Alyssa: So what about Kisame, could Kisame drown?

Sarah: Well Kisame is built Different-different. He can’t drown, he has gills.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Suigetsu is like-- whatever Kisame is-- 

Alyssa: I’m sorry, frickin’ Shape of Water over here--

Sarah: Yeah, like he’s just Shape of Water.

Alena: Listen, whatever Kisam has going on, like, in the fish department? Suigetsu is like, half that on his mother's side, you know?

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Like it’s there, he’s got some features, but it’s not on Kisame’s level, you know?

Sarah: Hey Alena please look at the chat.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: [sees what Sarah has put in the chat and also starts laughing]

Sarah: [cackling] I can’t wait for the Suigetsu episode, I’m sorry. Here’s the thing, we can talk about him a little bit this episode because him and Jugo are friends.

Alena: Exactly

Alyssa: Do we wanna go ahead and say that he’s gonna be out next episode?

Alena: I feel like at this point we gotta do all of Team Taka cause that’s a fun little theme--

Alyssa: Um, except you-know-who-

Alena: Well yeah, of course, he doesn’t count.

Sarah: Fuck him, he doesn’t ciunt.

Alyssa: We’re never doing an episode about him, stop asking.

Alena: You’ll have to bribe us generously.

Sarah: See, okay we were about to-- wait, we gotta get back on that bit about fucking Emperor’s New Groove 

Alena: Yeah, yeah. Jugo’s New Groove.

Sarah: Sorry, I closed my tab and saw pictures of Suigetsu-- cause I forgot 80% of all pictures of Suigetsu are really funny and I have to go right now.

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Who is Pacha, who is Pacha? Because does he have a Pacha? I think that’s what fucked all the Team Taka kids up, is they are surrounded by Kuzcos and Yzmas and they have no Pacha.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: There’s nary a Pacha to be found in Jugo’s New Groove, and that’s what messes it up.

Alyssa: Who other than [CENSORED] would be a good person?

Sarah: No one!

Alena: Nobody, that's the entire point.

Sarah: That’s why Naruto ends like that, is cause no one teaches anybody how to be a good person.

Alyssa: There’s no adult supervision!

Sarah: There’s not.

Alena: There’s no adult supervision. So of course in this little scenario that we’ve created of Jugo’s New Groove… We… he does found this world’s little cub scout troops, right?

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: I mean look at him.

Sarah: Yeah, definitely. Look at him.

Alena: I’m pretty sure that that’s what he’s doing in Baruto. I feel like some people believe that he’s helping Orochimaru and doing whatever. I actually am pretty sure that he’s running a league of cub scouts.

Sarah: He definitely does.

Alena: Their popcorn sales have gone through the roof. 

Sarah: Yeah. Shinobi scouts? Like I said, forest bathing, playing with birds. He has all the skills of a proper park ranger.

Alena: He really does!

Sarah: I think he really does.

Alena: Strong, but gentle. Doesn’t like to hurt anything--

Sarah: Loves animals--

Alena: But will in the name of protecting things that are important to him.

Alyssa: What’s the bird game, you know, that Kronk plays?

Sarah: Yeah, it’s bird bingo!

Alena: It’s bird bingo.

Sarah: It’s bird watching bingo, yes. He would play bird watching bingo.

Alyssa: yeah!

Sarah: Yeah

Alyssa: I'd play bird watching bingo.

Sarah: I’d play bird watching bingo-- Um, also, he’s a Libra. Which I just think is a fun little fact.

Alena: He is!

Alyssa: Heck yeah.

Sarah: Alena, you’re also a Libra!

 Alena: I am! We share a birth month.

Sarah: His birthday’s October 1st. You guys do!

Alyssa: Wait, Alena, you’re a Libra?

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah, Alena’s a Libra.

Alena: Look at me.

Sarah: Look at her.

Alena: Have you ever seen me make a decision in my life?

Sarah: She’s a Libra!

Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: Fair enough.

Alena: Now, I’m looking at his fun little fact sheet--

Sarah: Yes.

Alena:-- and it says, “Classification” That-- that he is a sage, what is he the fucking sage of?

Sarah: He-- I believe he uses sage um-- fuck, I’m sorry--

Alyssa: Hang on--

Sarah: He uses like, sage arts. That’s the thing, like his abilities are sage arts, cause sage arts are like transformation-- yes?

Alena: Okay.

Alyssa: I know what he’s the sage of.

Alena: Oh, please tell us.

Sarah: Oh please tell.

Alyssa: Really good hugs.

Alena: Aw… you’re right

Sarah: YEAH!!

Alena: That’s why his arms get so big!

Alyssa: Exactly!

Alena: Them’s arms ain't for fightin’, them’s arms are for huggin’!

Alyssa: Exactly!

Sarah: They’re for huggin’. God I love him.

Alena: He can absorb chakra like he absorbs your emotional pain. I shouldn’t put that on Jugo, he deserves better than that.

Sarah: I would never--

Alyssa: Yeah, he would make a very bad angra mainyu

Sarah: Yeah, he would-- I can’t do that do him, he’s so sweet.

Alyssa: I can’t do that to him. 

Sarah: I would never wanna make any… I would never want to make Jugo distressed, ever. He’s so kind.

Alyssa: You would never want to do that to him--

Sarah: [laughing] Hey, I’m upset again, that they did that to him. I gotta stop talking about it cause I’m sad.

Alena: This is gonna be another episode where a significant portion of it is just us being utterly distraught about there being such a kind little character that is treated so badly.

Alyssa: That shouldn’t be--

Sarah: This is just Tsunade all over again.

Alyssa: That shouldn’t be as funny to me as it is.

Sarah: I’m going to try to help myself out here, and google “Jugo Naruto Memes” on google, and hey guess what, guys? There’s nothing funny here.Bad news.

Alena: It’s because he’s just nice. 

Sarah: It’s just because he’s nice. He’s just a sweet boy.

Alyssa: His arms are made for hugging!

Sarah: His arms are made for hugs, he’s 6’6”, he’s really nice, he likes birds! He loves birds!

Alyssa: Big boy, loves birds!

Sarah: And he loves his friends, and I would die for him. Um-- hey, let's talk about how Kishimoto backed himself into another fun little situation here where   Jugo’s most important relationship in his life was with with another man, and Naruto, again, doesn’t want us to think any of the characters here are gay.

Alyssa: With a heavy heart, I must say the cis have done it again.

Sarah: They have done it again.Like here’s the thing. He was incredibly devoted to Kimimaro, to the point where Kimimaro is the only reason that he listens to [CENSORED] at all. And I think that says a lot.

Alena: Yeah, that was his fuckin boy.

Sarah: That’s his fuckin boy.

Alena: Yeah, that’s his fuckin boy.

Alyssa: His boooy!

Sarah: His boy. Who I love. Yeah, there’s no funny Jugo memes cause Jugo’s just a nice fella.

Alena: Yeah. And I do love that. I think that he’s maybe one of the least controversial characters in Naruto, because listen-- you can pick a fight about literally any Naruto character. I think that that’s what we’re doing with what we’ve created here. We’re asking people-- we’re asking people to pick fights about Naruto. Because we’re just sitting here and making funny jokes about Naruto characters. You cannot fight about Jugo. He’s just nice.

Alyssa: Yeah.

Sarah: He’s just nice--

Alena: He’s just nice. There’s nothing wrong with him, I don’t think that he’s ever done anything outwardly hateful or mean he’s just vibing.

Sarah: I mean-- I think he has killed a few people, wait hold on-- Jugo has killed people.

Alyssa: You know what-- he didn’t want to, that’s on them.

Sarah: Very viciously.

Alena: Okay, but if we are going on Naruto rules, you really can’t-- Naruto has killed people, okay?

Sarah: Naruto has killed people, yeah.

Alena: Wait… 

Alyssa: Has Naruto killed people?

Sarah: I think he’s killed people.

Alena: Yeah no he’s killed people.

Sarah: I think everyone in Naruto has-- like that’s the thing. That’s what they do. This is a show about war, guys. Everybody just kills people.

Alena: Exactly. Whether or not Naruto killed anyone with his bare, sticky little hands, people died as a result of Naruto [wheeze] So--

Sarah: People have died as a result of Naruto.

Alena: Of that little blond child.

Sarah: Hey… not to bring up Baruto during our Naruto podcast…

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: Um… Hey not to be a freak--

Alyssa: Eventually we’ll probably have to move on to Baruto, anyway.

Sarah: I would-- I can’t fuckin do it. Not to be a freak, he does pop up as a grown-ass man in Baruto--

Alyssa: Oh?? 

Sarah: Not gonna lie, uh… he could get it. Like when he’s--

Alyssa: Show us.

Sarah:-- he’s little, like Jugo in his thirties is such a handsome little man. He’s so pretty.

Alyssa: Show us.

Alena: Handsome little man!

Sarah: He’s a handsome guy!-- Hold on-- hold on. He’s so handsome.Look at him. Jugo pretty. Just a lil chiseled dude. There’s not a lot of, like, incredibly chiseled men in Naruto but he is one of them.

Alyssa: Oh my god?

Sarah: Yeah, no, like he’s lovely! He’s very handsome!

Alena: I will say--

Alyssa: Hey, hey you know who you should send that to?

Sarah: Who?

Alyssa: [pointed pause]

Sarah: Oh, okay I know what you mean, I get it.

Alyssa: Do it.

Alena: Well, and I will say--

Alyssa: I’m gonna do it right now--

Alena: I will say that I do appreciate, at the very least, Jugo didn’t fucking die. Randomly.

Sarah: I’m really glad Jugo’s not dead. I’m glad that he still lives in Orochimaru’s basement with his friends.

Alena: Like the three main Team taka kids, they’re all fine in Baruto. Like they’re vibing, they’re doing fine. None of them died tragically. Which is not a guarantee for people who get involved in bullshit with Naruto.

Sarah: Yeah, honest to god. Cause that would distress me, I’m glad-- I don’t-- I’m sure that they’re doing okay, probably. They seem fine, I don’t watch Baruto--

Alena: I don’t watch Baruto, but you know what? I think they’re doing fine.

Sarah: They’re like the shitty intern squad.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: Now I would… I think I’m ready to propose my little fact to you all.

Alyssa: Do it.

Sarah: Okay.

Alyssa: Kill us, Alena.

Alena: So, little-known fact about Jugo is that amongst his many talents and many interests, in addition to being an avid forest bather and possessing the trait of communing with animals…

Sarah: Mhmm.

Alena: In addition to the community service work that he’s done with the cub scouts.. And also-- he looks like a man who could crochet, but that’s neither here nor there-- he--

Alyssa: Definitely crochets.

Alena: --he designed his own line of multipurpose unisex clothing that he actually sported through much of his adult life . Now of course, he’s very innovative, and this stemmed from the fact that there were hardly any shirts big enough to fit this lil boy. 

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: And so he did use a different array of curtains that he fashioned into little cloaks that he wore for -- I believe-- most of his Naruto screentime.

Alyssa: Oh yeah, didn’t he wear like, frickin ponchos?

Alena: Yeah, those were curtains.

Sarah: Yeah, those were curtains.

Alena: Those were window curtains that he converted into his own little shirts!

Alyssa: Oh no! Orochimaru wouldn’t even get this lil boy a shirt!

Sarah: Which, yeah I’m like-- Maybe you should buy your-- I don’t want to call him… Like hey, is that your son? Because that’s obviously not your son. 

[crosstalk]

Alena: --you’re obviously not paying Jugo.

Sarah: I think the dynamic of Team Taka and Orochimaru is kinda like-- and allow me to relate this to my teenage years. It’s akin to like, a night manager and the group of highschoolers he has to manage.

Alena: God.

Sarah: Like, he kind of doesn’t give a shit about you, but also he gives a little bit of a shit [laughing]

Alena: Cause you still have the power--

Sarah: Like he doesn’t want you to die.

Alena: Cause here’s the thing. Jugo still has the power to absolutely destroy Orochimaru’s business, in the sense that it’s his DNA that let’s Orochimaru do the curse mark shit. However--

Sarah: Exactly--

Alena: Orochimaru is still very much, like, in charge of Jugo because he’s conducting unethical experiments on him as a child, which is a whole thing.

Sarah: Yeah, just like my grocery store job did.

Alena: Yeah, just like your grocery store job.

Sarah: That’s why I’m like that now.

Alena: Yeah.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Yeah and-- [wheeze] Hey Sarah, remember when they took some of your hair and put it in another [GROCERY STORE] worker’s coffee, and then they were able to just bench seventy five pounds with one hand.

Sarah: Yeah that’s exactly what happened-- Alyssa censor [GROCERY STORE]. Censor [GROCERY STORE]

Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: I’ll consider it.

Sarah: Please!! They can’t do anything to me, I’ll just feel really bad. [laughing]

Alyssa: I’ll think about it.

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Okay, um-- yeah, that’s the thing, I think we can relate Team Taka to-- Team Taka really is like workin’ your first job.

Alena: I will say though, I will say-- I would bet my own money on the sure fact that Orochimaru has never paid any child in anything other than like, Pringles and acorns. He does not give those children paychecks.

Sarah: Honestly, yeah.

Alyssa: Orochimaru breaks child labor laws.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: Yeah, remember that episode of Naruto where Orochimaru breaks child labor laws? 

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: [laughing] This is the one where he breaks child labor law-- every Naruto episode in the first part of the series is just Orochimaru picking a new law to break.

Alena: Listen, every time that Orochimaru appears on screen it is to break a child labor law.

Sarah: Yeah. Team taka is actually, I think, the worst violation of child labor laws there is. However--

Alena: Yeah?

Sarah: Jugo is not protected by child labor laws. When he first appears-- actually, I lied, Orochimaru has had him for a while. But when he first appears on screen he is like, 18, 19? And thus he is not protected by child labor laws. He is a full time employee. And he should be paid!

Alena: A failure of the system-- he’s not being paid, you know he’s not being paid. You know that he went to Orochimaru on the eve of his 18th birthday--

Alyssa: Oh my god…

Alena: --and was like, “Hey I think I would like to discuss with you my future in your company.” and [laughing] Orochimaru looked him up and down and went, “Mmmm. Kabuto? DO those drapes look familiar?”

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: “Hmmm”

Alena: “Jugo? Where did you get those curtains? They look like the ones from my foyer, Jugo.”

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: “From my foyer!” 

Alyssa: Okay, okay, but wait-- wait. You know what this implies?

Sarah: What does this imply?

Alyssa: That Jugo is an unpaid intern.

Sarah: Yes.

Alena: Yes. He’s in his thirties, he’s an unpaid intern.

Sarah: Here’s the thing. They have those. Every fucking person is an unpaid intern.

Alena: [laughing]  All-- All of Team Taka has just been trying to complete their highschool capstone since they were sixteen, but Orochimaru won’t let them go!

Alyssa: The only person there who is not an unpaid intern is Kabuto, and Kabuto does not get paid in money.

Alena: No.

Sarah: No, Kabuto does not get paid in money. I don’t wanna look down that path.

Alena: Now, but listen. 

Sarah: I don’t wanna look down there.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: I-- listen. I’m not going to go down That path, but I can tell you that Kabuto has specifically taken payment-- he has specifically accepted as a form of payment before, rare playing cards for sports that he doesn’t play.

Alyssa: Yeah.

Sarah: Oh yeah. He loves him some cards. He loves him some ninja info cards.

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: I don’t have anything funnier to say, other than, “My… ninja info cards” Which are never relevant ever again.

Alyssa: God, I can’t believe that’s how Kabuto got those.

Sarah: Yeah!

Alena: Exactly, that’s how he got those.

Sarah: He went down to Jugo’s little hole they keep him in, and was like, “Hey do you have any cards?” and Jugo’s like, “Hey, are you trying to talk more like Lord Orochimaru?” and Kabuto’s like, “Nooo, what gave you that idea?”

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: “Nooo, but you know what they say… Imitation’s the highest form of flattery” And Jugo’s like, “Okay, um… I have a cannonball tied to my ankle, because I am imprisoned here. Can I help you?”

Sarah & Alyssa: [loud cackling]

Sarah: And that’s exactly what I used to tell customers when they spoke to me.

All: [laughing]

Sarah: I’m imprisoned here, can I help you?

Alyssa: [laughing] Sarahhh!

Sarah: I can joke about my misery under capitalism! Oh god… all my hair’s falling down. God, hey, people who are not into Naruto are rarely not funny. I’m talking about us, but I’m also talking about people who make Naruto memes. Which I am looking at right now.

Alena: [laughing] Welcome to the segment in which we view visual media that no one can see, and then insult it.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: [laughing] I-- okay, we gotta circle back. 

All: [cackling]

Sarah: Okay, okay okay. 

Alena: So, we have to circle back to Jugo as an innovator in the fashion industry. Because what he’s created in his curtain outfits is that One, they are friendly to plus-sized frames. 

Sarah: Yes, they are.

Alyssa: Yeah!

Alena: Two, they are functionally-- with some minor hemming--  one size fits all.

Alyssa: Ohh…

Alena: Okay, because no matter how you turn it, no one’s neck is eight feet across, so it’s going to fit around your shoulders. And if it’s too long, you either hem it or you cut it. Or you rip it, and then you look cool. So he’s made the most versatile line of inclusive-- not even menswear, because it’s unisex, right? So he’s made the most inclusive fashion brand that is out there, and we don’t even get the name of his clothing line, which I think is insulting to him as a designer.

Alyssa: I think it’s just called “Jugo”.

Sarah: I think it’s just called “Jugo”.

Alena: It is called “Jugo”--

Alyssa: “Jugo, For Men”

Alena: That… no, but it’s unisex.

Alyssa: That’s true.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s unisex.

Alena: “Jugo, For Men” is his signature men’s fragrance. 

Alyssa: Yeah--

Alena: Which, what does it smell like?”

Sarah: What does it smell like?

Alena: That’s right. The woods. Smells like--

Sarah: Dirt.

Alena: Smells like dirt n’ trees, baby!

Sarah: Dirt n’ trees!

Alena: Every bottle comes with just a bunch of sticks in there.

Alyssa: [snort]

Sarah: Yeah [laughing]

Alyssa: Is that cinnamon?

Alena: No, it’s just twigs from a pine tree.

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: Yeah, it’s just twigs. He’s like “Naw, these are just twigs.” He’s like, “I got em in my pockets, don’t worry about it.”

All: [laughing]

Alena: In my pockets, I keep twigs in there.

Sarah: Jugo’s like that-- here’s the thing, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I think given the chance to grow and expand his horizons Jugo would become like the crunchy hiker friend.

Alyssa: [snort]

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: And you’d be chilling with him, and he’d be like, “Hey, you want a snack?” And you’re like, “Yeah, sure.” And he just pulls some mushrooms out of his pocket and drops them in your hand. 

Alena: And he’s like, “I foraged those.” And you’re like, “Are these… safe to eat, Jugo?” And he’s like, “Yes. Yes they are. I know what I’m talking about.”

Sarah: I know what I’m talking about. 

Alena: And you’re like, “Okay, these aren’t like… the funky mushrooms, right? I know you wouldn’t give me those if you didn’t tell me first.” And he’s like, “...There are funky mushrooms?” and you’re like, “Jugo, c’mon.” and he’s like, “Naw, I’m just joshin’ you , of course not they’re just normal mushrooms. They’re baby bellas!”

Sarah: Of course he’s just joshin’ you. He’s like, “I found some baby bellas. Don’t worry!”

Alena: He gives you a very straight face and says, “I would never joke with you about drugs.”

Sarah: Jugo’s very straight-edge he would never do drugs. It’s Suigetsu that--

Alyssa: Now, he does have a couple funky mushrooms in his pocket.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Yeah yeah, those are for Suigetsu. Jugo doesn’t do any drugs, Suigetsu does every drug.

Alyssa: Yeah.

Alena: [laughing] He does every drug, and um--

Alyssa: Suigetsu didn’t attend Granny Chiyo’s seminar!

Sarah: No, he never did, he never did.

Alena: He never went to school.

Sarah: Here’s the thing-- here’s the Team Taka set-up--

Alyssa: He doesn’t know how to read--

Sarah: The Team Taka set-up is like, One, [CENSORED] doesn’t live with them cause they all actually fucking hate [CENSORED]. He’s like the fucking manager’s kid. They all live in an apartment together, except Jugo is the only one who pays rent. 

Alena: Oh my god you’re right.

Alyssa: Oh no!

Sarah: And Suigetsu is consistently doing cocaine in the closet.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: They let Suigetsu stay because Suigetsu, while sometimes it’s late, he always pays his rent eventually before the next month, and also he’s so goddamn funny that, like, you can’t kick him out.

Sarah: He’s extremely funny and he makes like, weirdly good food but you don’t know what’s in it. Karin is living with them, but she’s in nursing school, and sadly--

Alena: She’s working towards her doctorate and she doesn’t have time for this. It was her cheapest option. 

Sarah: Yeah, it was her cheapest option, and she living with fuckin Jugo and Suigetsu, and her college is nearby and the rent with them is cheap. Suigetsu is doing every drug, and she has used him as a science experiment.

Alyssa: As she should.

Alena: [laughing] She’s writing her thesis on the effects of mixing drugs and alcohol and she’s like, “Look, I’ve done a lot of research on this.” And they’re like, “Do you have studies?” And she’s like, “..I do. Um… I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Sarah: I don’t wanna talk about it. The camera pans to Suigetsu just layin’ on the floor. The room is silent. He is alive. Barely.

Alena: He’s fine! He shouldn’t be, but he’s fine.

Sarah: He’s chillin’. He’s vibing, don’t worry about it. [wheeze]

Alena: Here’s the thing, it’s that his body has so much water content in there he really- no matter what he imbibes in, it will not stay in his system for very long, it just disperses.

Sarah: Hey, god-- I’m actually very excited to talk about [laughing] I’m really excited to talk about Suigetsu, because I forgot he’s actually the funniest Naruto character, and I forget that he is the funniest Naruto character. [laughing] Every picture of him is really funny-- Okay, we gotta get back to Jugo, okay. Alyssa, do you wanna give us a Jugo fact?

Alyssa: I mean, I guess I can give a second one-- we’re-- we are getting close to-- in like ten minutes.

Sarah: Oh shit, for real?

Alena: Yeah. 

Sarah: Oh!

Alena: It’s 9:21

Sarah: Oh fuck, okay, this one went by fast. We were having a good time.

Alyssa: We’ve been at this since like, 8:25.

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: Yeah, okay well actually do you wanna start working on our wrap-up? I think we can get one more fact, and then work on our summary. 

Alyssa: Um… his hair looks really soft. 

Sarah: It does, I’d love to ruffle his hair.

Alyssa: Sorry, I’m not very good at making up funny facts, I just love these characters so much.

Alena: You’re fine, all facts, all observations are valid.

Alyssa: See, I just want to ruffle his hair

Sarah: Same, no. You’re absolutely valid, I’d like to ruffle his lil hair.

Alena: I feel like he could use it.

Sarah: He could use it, he’d probably thank you.

Alyssa: And then kiss him on the forehead.

Sarah: Alyssa, you know how you have that dream of meeting Shaquille O’Neal because you’re very small? 

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: I think Suigetsu, could be--

Alena: I thought you meant the dream as in-- I know that you meant “dream” as in the context of an aspiration that Alyssa is reaching towards, but I just-- I thought you meant the recurring dream that you have about meeting Shaquille O’Neal [laughing]

Sarah: [laughing] Yeah, you have that recurring dream about meeting Shaquille O’Neal.

Alyssa: You know what, Alena, maybe it’s both.

Alena: --Shaquille O’Neal manifesting physically in your home.

Alyssa: No, that is a real thing-- for our listeners, Yes, I am four feet eight inches tall.

Alena: She’s little…

Alyssa: And I want to stand next to Shaquille O’Neal and get a photograph of it, of course. For evidence. Just so everyone understands how small I am. And how big Shaquille--

Alena: And now, here’s the thing. Someone of average height would also look small next to Shaquille O’Neal. But--

Sarah: Yeah, I would look quite small next to Shaquille O’Neal--

 Alena: But the fact that you would probably stand at like, hip-height for him would really drive it home and I think that would be fun.

Sarah: I think that would be fun, yes.

Alyssa: He’s gonna have to squat to be in the picture!

Alena: Yes.

Sarah: He would! Jugo, I think, could also help you achieve this dream just a little bit, because he is-- of course he’s no Shaquille O’Neal. He is like, 6’6” though. He is like about two feet taller than you as well, and--

Alyssa: How tall is Shaquille O’Neal? 

Sarah: I don’t know… I feel like he could pick you up--

Alena: He’s like 7’3”. Shaquille O’Neal is ridiculously tall.

Alyssa: [typing] How tall is Shaq? Seven foot one, oh my god.

Sarah: Oh my god. 

Alena: Ugh, I was off by two inches.

Sarah: I didn’t realize he was seven feet.

Alena: Yeah he’s big.

Sarah: He’s so large, what the hell.

Alyssa: He’s a big guy.

Sarah: So fuckin’ big. Shaquille O’Neal’s so fuckin big-- Um-- I was in a Staples today--

Alena: That’s why they put that man in car commercials.

Sarah: Yeah, listen, yo-- I was in a Staples today. I was buying some things at Staples. And they do have, in the Staples in my town, they do just kind of have a cardboard cut out of Shaquille O’Neal standing just within the door that I do believe is to scale, because it is very large. And it was holding a sign-- like, there’s no advertisement on it, which is kind of quite the surprise to me. He’s just holding a sign that is a little bit threatening, that says “Please Maintain 6 Feet”--

Alyssa & Alena: [cackling]

Sarah: I didn’t realize how funny that was until halfway through the store and I was like, “Wait, I gotta go back”

Alyssa: [laughing] Why didn’t you send us a picture?

Sarah: Oh no, I forgot to take a picture--

Alena: What I love about that man is he doesn’t have to-- you don’t have to even remotely connect him to what you’re advertising, if you just slap his physical form into something it’s like there ya go! There’s your commercial right there! It’s Shaquille O’Neal everybody!

Sarah: It’s Shaquille O’Neal! I’ll remember because it’s funny and has Shaquille O’neal in it. Does it have to be funny to have a joke to have Shaquille O’Neal in it? No! He’s just a big dude. If a guy’s really fuckin’ big it’s automatically funny.

Alena: You know what everybody? I think that’s a really good metaphor for this episode. Because we spent, I think, more time appreciating this man than we did making a lot of comedic jabs at him. But like Sarah said, sometimes you just need a big dude. It doesn’t have to be a funny joke to be a good. To be a good.

Sarah: It doesn’t have to have a joke to be funny, I think just a big guy being around is enough.

Alena: Sometimes, you just get a big dude. We got a big dude in Jugo. And I think he’s that big dude everyone can use in their lives, because he teaches us that being large does not always equal being violent. He teach us that having a few murder under your belt doesn’t mean you can’t be nice to animals or enjoy a little hike every once in a while. Now that’s a lesson that maybe… not everyone should adhere to word for word, but you know you should be kind to animals and take a hike, it’s fine! Maybe not the murder part. But --

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah, don’t do murder, don’t do murder--

Alena: Don’t do a murder.

Sarah: I think Jugo-- as my last fact-- I think Jugo is an example of what exactly can go wrong when you sell your DNA to Ancestry.com 

Alena: Yeah. I’m not gonna think too hard about the fact that… I did that. 

Sarah: Don’t do that. 

Alena: Yeah-- here’s the thing, it was a gift. 

Sarah: It was a gift.

Alena: I did not make the choice, it was a gift. So… I think in conclusion we can look at Jugo for not just what he teaches us, but for who he would want us to be. And that is people who look for our satisfaction within ourselves, right? We don’t need to be… we don’t need to be pushing our anger outwards to reach that satisfaction in our lives. Sometimes all we need is a lil book, a lil forest bath, wrap ourselves in a lil curtain, and call it a day.

Sarah: I think you’re right.

Alyssa: That’s true.

Alena: I think that sometimes that gets us through to the next generation series. It worked out okay for Jugo. 

Sarah: Worked out okay for Jugo, he’s still workin’ the internship. But it’s alright. 

Alena: He’s still workin’ the-- but listen, keep workin’ that internship, you’re gonna make your highschool capstone any day now.

Sarah: Yeah, don’t worry man, I believe in you, You’re gonna do it. Jugo believes in you.

Alena: We believe in you, Jugo! That has been ‘Til Death Do Us Nart, good luck on your high school capstone!

Sarah: Good job team!

Alyssa: Goodnight everybody.

End Message: Til Death Do Us Nart is a 103Ghouls Production podcast. It is created and produced by three women who are completely off their rocks. Theme song is “Drunk Punch Man” by Bullmoose. Find it and other songs by Bullmoose on spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. To support the show, consider donating to our Patreon which can be found in the show notes. If you can’t, believe me, we understand. Please consider subscribing to us on Youtube, sharing the link to the show, and above all, talking us up on social media. We really appreciate the support. Oh, and one more thing: Thanks for listening.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]