Til Death Do Us Nart
Til Death Do Us Nart
Sound Village
Our next guests need no introduction! Everyone definitely remembers them!
...What's that? You mean you don't remember the students from the Sound Village from the Chunin Exams? Alright, let's take this from the top then.
Transcript can be found here: https://tildeathdousnart.buzzsprout.com/
A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!
If you enjoyed the show please consider donating to our Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/tddun
Alyssa (Intro): Seriousness and children should be left at the door. Very little of what our hosts are about to say is factual but will be crass. This is… Til Death Do Us Nart.
Alena: [mumbling incoherently and loudly] WelcomeBackToTilDeathDoUsNart’sACharacterAnalysis-- Lifestyle Analysis-- Pod Play Cast--
Sarah: --Cast. It’s a podcast.
Alena: From-- from Naruto Studios.
Sarah: Naruto Studios, um Kishimoto’s--
Alena: From Naruto Studios, I’m Kakashi.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: From Kishimoto’s attic-- we’re broadcasting live.
Alyssa: We’ve broken into Kishimoto’s home and are holding him hostage
Sarah: I-- could that get us arrested?
Alyssa & Alena: [wheeze]
Alyssa: Maybe? I dunno.
Alena: I feel like they’ll be able to figure out pretty quickly that he’s fine.
Sarah: Yeah, no, we’re feeding him. We’re feeding him.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Like, we’re keeping him outside, but we’re feeding him. Don’t worry about it. I um… I’m asking him to publish my Naruto fanfiction, which actually--
Alena: [wheeze]
Sarah: Here’s the thing. I don’t want to speak this into being, cause I have a really bad feeling this has happened to an author before, and I don’t--
Alena: Mhmm.
Sarah: I don’t want to wish that upon him. I would feel really bad if something happened to Kishimoto, sorry--
Alena: We like to make fun of him, but he has actively created something that brings us a lot of joy, so good on him.
Sarah: Exactly.
Alena: However.
Sarah: However--
Alena: Back to your fanfiction pitch [laughing]
Sarah: Back to my fanfiction pitch, which I will complete after--
Alena: After mercilessly harassing him.
Sarah: [wheeze] So, I think we discussed this last week. And I know what brought us into this topic.
Alena: So-- yeah.
Sarah: Today, we are discussing, I think, the band kids-- the bottom of the barrel band kids.
Alena: The bottom of the barrel band kids from the Chunin exam arc. So, we’re switching it up a little this week, in that we are looking deep into the personalities, the functions, and the livelihoods of three Naruto characters. However, they appear so sparingly and have such a minor effect on the overall plot that we could really just kind of count them as one character. It is Team Dosu from the Chunin Exams.
Sarah: Chunin exams, more like, uh--
Alena: Chunin Exams.
Sarah: Uh--
Alena: No, go ahead. Finish your joke.
Sarah: Uh-- I don’t have a funny joke!
Alena: Careful, don’t choke! [laughing]
Sarah: I was trying to like, come up with a pun for Chunin Exams--
Alena: Mhmm.
Sarah: -- and I was like, “Ha ha, Chunin Exams, more like Poo-nin Exams” And now I’m sitting here like, that’s not funny. That’s nothing. That’s not a fucking joke. I’ve had enough of myself. You guys keep me in a little box and make me do jokes, and I've had enough!
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: I’ve run outta jokes! You’ve starved me!
Alena: We’re pelting you with circus peanuts.
Sarah: YOU’RE PELTING ME WITH CIRCUS PEANUTS.
Alyssa: Dance, monkey, dance.
Sarah: Dance, monkey, dance! Make another Naruto joke!
Alena: [laughing] I think that’s all we do here!
Sarah: [pained laughing] YES! Then I realized. I don’t make puns.I’m not actually good as puns, I’m good at other things.
Alyssa: The pun person is me.
Sarah: Okay, well Alyssa, come up with a pun for us.
Alena: Yeah, come up with a pun. Go ahead.
Sarah: Yeah, yeah, c’mon.
Alena: Dance! Dance for us, lil man!
Alyssa: Chunin exams? More like poopin’ exams.
Sarah: [brief pause] GOD DAMMIT THAT'S GOOD. [cackling]
Alena: Oh my god. Alright, so. Basic facts that we should establish about Team Dosu, because, like I feel many people at home may be struggling in the way that I was struggling ten minutes before we started recording, is-- I don’t actually know who they are.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Not like, on a personal character basis. I mean I did not remember what they looked like, so I had to google it. Of course we have the team teacher, who we are not allowed to talk about because that is just Orochimaru in a suit. Then we have the guy for who the team is named for: Mister uh-- what’s his fucking name. Dosu Kinuta. Yeah, Dosu Kinuta.
Alyssa: Dosu
Alena: You would recognize him, because he’s the one who’s always kind hunched over, he has half of his face bandaged up, and he has what looks like-- like a fuzzy hoodie with really long sleeves.
Sarah: Would you call that a hoodie? I don’t think I would call that a hoodie. I think that’s like, a sweater with Shnuffalumpagus taped on the back.
Alena: You know what, you’re right.
Sarah: God dammit, we’re circling it all back to muppets. I think that--
Alyssa: Uh--
Sarah: It can’t be a muppet.
Alyssa: Wait-- that’s? That’s Dosu? I thought that the child Kakashi looked alike was…
Alena: No, no. The kid with the sprained arm is Abumi. His name is Abumi. He has Kakashi hair, but it’s black, he has the little mutton chop face-guards--
Alyssa: Yeah--
Alena: And he had a sprained arm for half the Chunin Exams cause someone fucks him up.
Sarah: Uh-- I remember what happened to him. Hey fellas, let's talk about what happened to Mister Zaku Abumi. He’s-- Shino-- He has holes in his arms--
Alena: Here’s the thing, wait wait-- we shall. But.
Sarah: But.
Alena: But we need to talk about the third member, because I know for a fact she’s always forgotten.
Sarah: Oh, because she’s a woman in Naruto.
Alena: Yeah, it’s because she’s a lady in Naruto, and we’re not allowed to forget about them. Her name is Kin Tsuchi, she uses the senbon needles to fight-- are they called senbon needles?
Sarah: Yes, they are called senbon needles. You are correct.
Alena: Yeah-- she uses senbon needles to fight and also in the anime she has a little bell motif. She will distract the people that she’s fighting with like really garish bells and they’ll be like, “The Fuck Is That?” and she’ll be like “It’s me, bitch.” And then she kills them.
Sarah: It’s me, bitch.
Alena: So-- you know--
Sarah: Hey, I’m gonna be honest, she’s the best one--
Alena: She’s doing great.
Sarah: She’s the most put together, I really liked her.
Alyssa: Mhmm.
Alena: She’s the most put together, and I… do not entirely remember-- she was the one who fought Shikamaru.
Sarah: Cause Shikamaru always has to fight women, and Kishimoto’s really bad about writing that. Yeah. Um.
Alena: Anyway.
Sarah: ANYWAY.
Alena: Anyways, let’s talk about how Mister Zaku Abumi got his lil arm messed up.
Sarah: Ohh, okay yeah, sorry um-- Here-- I’ll put this as my fact, since um, we can display our facts here. I just wanna start this off with: I was fucking wrong.
Alena: Mhmm.
Sarah: Shino did not dislocate this child’s arms. Um-- [CENSORED] did it in perhaps one of his greatest edge rampages.
Alyssa & Alena: [wheeze]
Alena: Oh, I remember that.
Sarah: Yeah. Oh god dammit I said his name.
Alena: It’s okay.
Alyssa: Ahhh. First bleep of the episode.
Sarah: yeah-- okay okay okay-- you know that part where… this kid harmed Sakura, and liek the one good thing that you-know-who, that for-- because he did that, he dislocated both of his fucking arms.
Alena: I do appreciate that-- and I’ll say it again, just for clarity’s sake, the fact that [CENSORED] doesn’t use any ninja bullshit to really accomplish this task, I think he fucking just… yanks on em.
Sarah: Yeah-- he--
Alena: And dislocates his arms.
Sarah: Shoves him down and like, stomps on his back until his arms are dislocated. It’s kinda-- not to be weird but it’s kinda sick, though.
Alena: Listen, it’s a little bit sick. But also, fellas.
Alyssa: Mhmm?
Alena: You’re taking a test, doing what you’re supposed to be doing--
Sarah: Oh yeah, this-- dude, didn’t you take the CRCT? This is exactly what it was like.
Alena: Oh yeah, no, sorry, I remember when I was taking the CRCT and um--
Alyssa: [wheeze]
Alena: And Alexis, two rows back, planted her foot on my back and dislocated my elbow.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Alena I didn’t know you failed your CRCT Ninja Exam.
Alena: [laughing] Why do you think I had to major in History, Sarah? I wasn’t going anywhere, I didn’t have the grades for it.
Sarah: That implies I also failed my ninja exam, and I refuse-- you can’t hoist that character trai upon me, woman.
All: [laughing]
Sarah: Oh my god, how dare you.
Alyssa: What does me being a psychology major say about me, then?
Alena: You passed, but only in the genjutsu section.
Sarah: Yeah, I’m about to say, like you’re a genjutsu expert.
Alyssa: I’ll take that, hell yeah.
Sarah: We’re forced to be ninja historians. Um, so that’s my fact, but the other thing is like-- this guy, Zaku never gets a break. It doesn't disqualify him, he has a major sports injury and he’s in a sling. And everybody feels good about putting this kid into another fight.
Alena: They’re like, “Yeah, it’s fine. He’ll be fine.” Um, I would like to point out that the first time he appears on screen he is fourteen. He is a child, like everyone else in this fight. And they’re like, “Oh, this baby has a sports injury? You know what, he can probably still compete in mixed martial arts with a little magic sprinkled in. He’ll be fine!”
Sarah: He’ll be fine.
Alena: By the way, his status? Deceased. I wonder if there’s a correlation.
Sarah: [struggling to form words] Hey, you know how he has holes? That’s his whole thing he has like, sound holes in his arms or some shit like that. Shino-- plugs those holes--
Alena: Wait was that him?? I thought that was the other one--
Sarah: No No No, Shino plugs those holes with insects, then blows his right arm off due to pressure.
Alena: Noo, no that’s Dosu. Dosu has holes in his arms.
Sarah: No, nonono, they both do. They both have--
Alena: Oh my god they all have holes in their arms.
Sarah: I’m on the Naruto wiki right now.
Alena: Okay, well I’m also on the Naruto wiki and I can’t read. So.
Sarah: Zaku gets his fuckin’ arm blown off. I-- all these people are dead.
Alena: All these people are dead.
Sarah: All these people are dead.
Alyssa: Spoiler alert
Sarah: Spoiler alert. We’ve already spoiled so many things, who watches this for Naruto anyway?
Alena: I feel like-- I feel like if someone got genuinely upset about-- for someone spoiling the deaths of three minor characters from the Chunin Exam arc. I’m like, “Did you.. You think that anyone but the Leaf Kids was gonna live?” [laughing]
Sarah: Yeah, I mean, Orochimaru is responsible for the deaths of all these people, though. He uses them as sacrifices to summon the Hokage during like uh… that wild shit that pops off--
Alena: This is not the Orochimaru episode and therefore we do not have to condone Orochimaru’s behavior.
Sarah: Exactly. That was kind of shitty, Orochimaru. Hey.
Alena: It was kind of shitty. Actually, kind of not cash money of you, sir.
Sarah: Super not cash money, like I can’t even make jokes about that, it was shitty.
Alyssa: Wait, isn’t this how the Hokage dies?
Sarah: Yeah, that’s how the shitty Third Hokage dies.
Alena: Yeah! That’s how the Third Hokage dies.
Sarah: Yeah that’s how he beefs it. Yeah.
Alyssa: Now, remind me, was that the Third Hokage??
Sarah: Yeah it was the third. Third the-- Third, the Ronald Reagan of the Naruto Universe if I may say so.
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: Cause everybody acts like he was sooo great, but then he is responsible for all of the problems in the leaf village. Literally all of them. Everything that’s wrong is because of him. Took down all the social safety nets.
Alena: He was nice to children and then did nothing to help them.
Sarah: Gave an orphan a dollar and said, “Yeah alright, you can feed yourself.”
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: While actively training them for war.
Sarah: “You can be an independent young man.” That sounds like Ronald Reagan. Don’t @ me. That is canon, Ronald Reagan would do that.
Alena: He left an infant alone in an apartment with a box of ramen noodles, and that’s canon, I think.
Sarah: I can’t stop thinking about that, cause here’s the thing. Not to be sappy about Naruto for two seconds, but when I was a child that was funny to me, and now as an adult I’m like, “This is a thirteen year old eating spoiled food because he doesn’t have anything else and nobody to care for him.” And I’m exceedingly stressed out. Um, just--
Alena: Like… yeah. Yeah.
Sarah: Seems fine to me! [laughing] I mean, he worked on it, he got Naruto to eat vegetables, but ya know. What else are you supposed to do with your little friends? Eat vegetables.
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: Gotta eat veggies! Um, okay, you know what? I have stated my fact and I have completely broken up our usual cycle. Alyssa, usually you’re the one that’s supposed to state the first fact. Give me a fact.
Alyssa: Oh…. hmmmm. I’ve literally completely forgotten about all of these guys.
Sarah: Now, that means you just have to go through the fucking gauntlet and pose soemthing you think is a fact. What do you think it is?
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: What do you think about it, bud?
Alyssa: Ughhhh.
Sarah: C’mon. Dance, monkey, dance!
Alyssa: Fuck off.
Sarah: [wheeze] We poke each other with comedy poker and-- sorry, that wasn’t funny, we stab each other with a comedy knife until one of us says something funny so help me god, it’ll happen eventually.
Alena: Oh goodness. I’m trying to come up with a joke about--
Alena: [laughing]
Alyssa: Freakin’ Dosu.Like how dosu looks, cause he-- he looks like a puppet.
Sarah: He does.
Alena: Okay so here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. Dosu looks like.. We have not looked-- we have not looked at the band kid angle nearly enough. Cause you look at all these kids, and--
Alyssa: Oh my god--
Sarah: Absolutely--
Alyssa: Imagine Naruto running a band camp.
Alena: -- they radiate such, like, ninth grade band camp energy? Because-- now, I-- yeah, no, here’s the thing. I knew a kid. There’s always a kid at bandcamp, right? We’re livin’, it’s in the Deep South. It is mid-July, it is 98 degrees fahrenheit by like nine in the morning when we start this shit. And there-- there is a child out there with a hoodie, sleeves too long, still playing the trumpet. Um. Hood, scarf. Really radiating some Dosu energy. Now I assume that this child was just kinda cold-natured, but he always wore full sweatshirt, very long sleeves. And I honestly think that every marching band has one. A sweater kid.
Sarah: No, you absolutely are right, we also had a bunch of those kids. I was friends with several of those kids. Like full hoodie on, 90 degree weather, they smell like a lot of sweat. Like not… ripened, but it’s more like fermented, you know? I think Dosu smells like, fermented. He looks like he does.
Alena: Listen, he looks fermented. And I can’t help but feel a little bad for him, because he’s trapped in there with it. Because he has got like--
Sarah: [cackles]
Alena: He’s got--
Sarah: Sorry the image just grabbed me-- he’s trapped in it.
Alena: He’s trapped in there with it, because he has everything except for one eye and one in like-- covered-- encapsulated in his little hoodie-cowl neck big furry blanket stapled to his shoulders, like-- cocoon that he has curated for himself?
Sarah: [laughing]
Alena: And I can’t help but feel like he gets home and is like, “I should take all this off.” And he’s like, “I think it would be worth it if I did.” And then he falls asleep. And that’s just how his life is going.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: And I kinda feel like that;s a little sad for him.
Sarah: You know that gives another level to “Stink Eye.”
Alena: [laughing]
Alyssa: There you go, now you’re making puns.
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: [laughing] The fuckin’ Stink Eye. So we got nicknames for these kids, we got--
Alena: Oh god.
Sarah: We got Ant Farm, we got Stink Eye, and---
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: [wheeze] Ant Farm, Stink Eye, and we got uhhh--
Alena: Listen, okay.
Sarah: I don't have a mean name for Kin Tsuchi, she’s--
Alyssa: She just--
Alena: Ant Farm, Stink Eye and-- [laughing] I know what Kin Tsuchi’s name is. Her name is--
Alyssa: [wheeze]
Alena: Her name is The Barber, cause you remember what her big scene was? It was when she grabbed Sakura by the fucking wig, and wouldn’t let go. And Sakura had to have her big moment of “I’m gonna chop off my hair,” and then it landed in a very cute perfectly styled bob.
Sarah: Of course.
Alena: Which is real, and happens, because I saw it in the movie Tangled and so of course that’s how it always works. And so while I think she didn’t cut the hair herself she was-- while it definitely seemed threatening in the moment I think that Miss Kin Tsuchi gave Sakura that gentle nudge that so many of us need to, you know, just cut our hair. It’s just hair, Sakura. It’ll be fine!
Sarah: It's just hair, Sakura! It’ll be fine! Okay, so review. We got The Barber, Ant Farm, Stink Eye. These are these kids’ new nicknames.
Alena: We need to-- okay. What instruments do they play?
Sarah: Um, here’s the thing. Kin Tsuchi, I don’t wanna say she’s a flute girl because we already have a Sound Village flute girl.
Alena: We already have a flute girl, uh, here’s the thing--
Sarah: She is a snare drum girl, you ever know a snare drum girl?
Alena: Yes, I was gonna say. She’s got percussion energy--
Alyssa: She’s in the pit--
Alena: One, because she plays the bells. Oh my god, she’s like the--
Alyssa: What do you mean, she plays the triangle.
Sarah: Is she Drumline 2?
Alena: Yeah this is Drumline 2, Naruto.
Sarah: Drumline 2, Naruto.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Yeah--
Sarah: She plays percussion.
Alena: Yeah, percussion. Yeah, she plays the triangle but it is mounted onto the front of her snare, because she is Not willing to Not march. She was like, “Put me on the field, coach--”
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: -- and Orochimaru’s like, “What? What are you talking about?” She’s like, “Marching band. Let’s go.”
Sarah: Let’s go!
Alena: She definitely plays snare drum, um--
Alyssa: Okay, Dosu has trombone energy to me?
Alena: [wheeze]
Sarah: Does he? He-- he is a woodwind kid. Once again, the arm thing. The kid’s full of holes, which really stresses me out.
Alena: He’s full of holes. Now… a woodwind-- a trombone is-- not a woodwind.
Sarah: Oh, I’m sorry, you’re an actual band kid, I’m not. I was-- I helped them, I was not actually a band kid. He-- well, is he brass or woodwind? I feel like he’s more of a woodwind person than a brass.
Alyssa: See, I played the trombone for a year, and I can confirm. That’s trombone energy.
Alena: So, here’s the thing. Um… the holes in his arms conflict with the narrative of the trombone.
Sarah: Oh, sorry, I just remembered a guy who played trombone and you’re fuckin’ right.
Alena: Um--
Sarah: I had trumpet in my head.
Alena: He does have low-brass energy in the sense that like… he’s like, “This is my team, I’m gonna lead it, but I’m gonna be kinda shitty about it and I’m not gonna take center stage to the point where it’s effective” [laughing]
Sarah: Yeah, no. Totally not effective.
Alena: Plus also, since Alyssa said trombone the only thing that I can fucking think of is him going to through a punch, his weird little sectioned, segmented arm sliding out and going [trombone sound]
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Uh-- hey-- I can’t stress how much better the show would be if all the band kids just made noises like that--
Alena: [trombone sound]
Sarah: Sorry, I said band kids, I was so caught up in the fantasy for Naruto for once satisfying me in their jokes and their humor, that I assumed the sound village was then changed to band camp and they’re all band kids. It was insane for a minute bro--
Alena: It’s the Soundcloud Village
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: It’s the-- [CACKLING] Fuck!! Fuck that’s good! The fucking Soundcloud Village--
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: I gotta go. That’s it, that’s the funniest joke we can make in the episode. I’m so fucking mad. Dude you can’t drop that thing twenty minutes in!
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: We can’t-- we can’t top that-- Oh my god.
Alyssa: But, see, I’m at a disadvantage here, because unlike you two, I was not a band kid.
Alena: Mhmm.
Sarah: Okay, well Alyssa, I want you to execute a fantasy for me.
Alyssa: [resigned sigh]
Sarah: I want you. To decide. And-- perhaps we are getting a little off topic, here. But I feel like our content this week can be a little different. Cause you know, the standard's a little different, we’re doing three very minor characters, but that’s a lotta jokes. I want you to tell me which one is the theatre kid village, and justify it. I want a twenty page essay on my metaphorical desk--
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: -- in the morning, and by the morning I mean immediately. Right now. Give it to me.
Alyssa: Isn’t it obvious?
Sarah: No, Alyssa, we want you to tell me!
Alyssa: The Sand Village, obviously.
Sarah: Oh FUCK-- You’re right. SHIT--
Alena: Here’s the thing.
Alyssa: Have you seen Kankuro?
Alena: Now, I will say--
Alyssa: Yeah
Alena: Sand village. Those are the theatre kids. However, Leaf Village kids? Show choir.
Sarah: [whispered] Fuck… I don’t know enough about show choir to tell you you’re wrong, and I think you’re probably absolutely right.
Alena: here’s the thing, they’re theatre kids but--
Sarah: I wasn’t in fucking choir--
Alena: They’re theatre kids but they’re louder.
Sarah: Yeah, they’re louder.
Alyssa: I think-- wait. I don’t-- I’m gonna have to disagree with you on that one a little bit, Alena.
Alena: Here’s the thing-- Alyssa, I’ll defer to you cause I was never in show choir, and my brushings with theatre were minor. And failed. But um--
All: [laughing]
Alena: So you give me your dissertation.
Alyssa: See, as a theatre and chorus person, we always had to do a chorus show. We didn’t really have a show choir, we just did a chorus show every year.
Alena: Well then who are the chorus kids?
Alyssa: Here’s the thing, they were very similar to the drama kids.
Alena: Same crowd.
Sarah: Ah, so I would argue that like--
Alyssa: Yes--
Sarah: --Leaf Village culture is too different from Sand Village culture, and I think-- I personally think that the theatre kids of the Naruto universe-- and excuse me if I’m wrong, I was only briefly a theatre kid-- I think it’s the Cloud Village if I’m being honest, here.
Alyssa: Cloud Village is very close.
Sarah: They’re like… Like that, you know? They’re wild in such a good way.
Alena: They're all hyper talented.
Sarah: Yeah-- like--
Alena: They’re hyper talented, and they’re all like, pretty.
Alyssa: Those are the-- I would almost argue that those are the orchestra kids.
Alena: Orchestra and band kids are the same.
Sarah: Yeah, I was about to say, orchestra and band kids are the same. They-- maybe at your school they were different, but at my school they were exactly the same, cause we didn’t have enough kids for it to make a difference. Just like how the whole wrestling team was the same as the football team essentially.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Minus like, five people.
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: The recruitment number’s just too low, and also the football team, and the wrestling team, and JROTC were also all the same people.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Literally we-- dude, we had like 140 people in my class, like we could not stretch each other thin, we all did everything. [laughing]
Alena: [laughing]
Alyssa: See--
Sarah: We didn’t have a theatre program.
Alyssa: That’s your misfortune.
Sarah: Yeah, it is, actually, Alyssa. Because my high school didn’t have your high school’s funding.
Alyssa: Yeah…
Sarah: Not to pull the fucking reigns around there, yeah it was our misfortune, we couldn’t afford a theatre program, Alyssa. It was actually a problem.
Alyssa: Yeah…
Sarah: [laughing] We tried to have a theatre club and they straight up told us, “Yeah we can’t afford it and we don’t care enough. Go join another club. All of our arts clubs actually don’t have funding, so… join a sport, actually, and unless it’s football we don’t give a shit.” I talk about high school a lot on this podcast for somebody who does not care about high school that much. You gotta stop letting me do this.
Alena: It’s okay, we’re working through trauma.
Sarah: NO WE’RE NOT! I’m not using our Naruto podcast to work through my trauma!
Alena: Now Sarah, I love and respect you, but I won’t allow you to lie to my face like that. [laughing]
Sarah: We’re-- we’re changing the subject, we’re changing-- we’re-- you’re not doing this to me. I can’t fuckin’ take it aorund here. I’m leaving. Let me outta this cage. I’m joining Kishimoto in the attic.
Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: Let me out, let me out-- YOU are the Chunin Exams--
Alena: Pound on the walls of your prison all you want, little man! There never was any Kishimoto!
Sarah: [horrified little noise] You are the fucking Chunin Exam chimpanzee attack that is changing my life right now, and I do not like it. I do not like it. I’m dipping out, I’m muting. You guys make the jokes for a while. I apparently have to unpack my trauma on a Naruto podcast!
All: [laughing]
Alena: Um… I would like to talk about Zaku again. The one who got his lil fingies dislocated along with the rest of his arms.
Alyssa: Now he looks like a clarinet player to me--
Alena: I was gonna say clarinet player too!
Sarah: Yeah, no he plays clarinet.
Alena: Listen, I have his whole little personality worked out.
Sarah: Right.
Alena: Much like his teammates, Zaku was overconfident about his powers-- especially the ones coming from his arms as noted by [CENSORED] and the fact that he went into elaborate detail about his abilities. Um… Yeah. Every--
Sarah: Yeah
Alena: Here’s the thing. As a former clarinet player, as a former clarinet section leader. Um. YEAH. Because people who are good at playing the clarinet-- there are two types of people who are good at playing the clarient. There are people--
Alyssa: There are people like you and people like my brother.
Alena: There are people like me. Who was-- I always sounded good. And I knew how to play well enough to not make it obvious when I couldn’t. But I didn’t really practice that much, because I had shit to do, and I was sixteen. And then there are people, who are going to go to colleges on scholarships. Who, I don’t think, have taken a single breath that was not through their clarinet like it was an inhaler since they were seven years old.
Sarah: Straight out da womb.
Alena: [laughing] Straight out da womb!
Sarah: Straight out da womb, honkin’ on that ‘net--
Alena: [CACKLING]
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah & Alena: [hysterically speaking over one another]
Sarah: A clarinet. You call it a ‘net for short! That’s totally a thing--
Alena: [laughing] --straight out the womb--
Sarah: How do you do, fellow band kids?
Alyssa: I tried to play clarinet for a little while cause I thought that-- my mom was trying to push me to be a band kid too.
Alena: Mhmm.
Alyssa: Um--
Sarah: Mhmm.
Alyssa: And my brother already played it, so it was like, well I’ll give it a try and see if that’s the right instrument for me. And I could not get that thing to do anything but honk.
Alena: Yeah, um--
Sarah: That’s what they said about meee. In high school. “I can’t get that thing to do anything but honk.”
Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: I don’t have a clarinet experience to share here, I have to make jokes when I can.
Alena: [laughing] Um--
Alyssa: See, I was decent at piano. But again I also did not practice. I need to practice again, but--
Alena: See, but I think because of the way that clarinets are, they do a lot of shit. And people who are good at them like to fuck around on them and see what they can do. And then they kind of get this attitude about it like, “Just call me Mister Rhapsody in Blue” Its like. Okay, thanks.
Alyssa: [snort]
Sarah: So would you say Zaku fucked around and saw what he could do?
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: And then [CENSORED] dislocated both of his arms.
Alena: Um. Yeah, because-- [laughing]
Sarah: [laughing]
Alena: See… What happened was…
Sarah: Sorry, I keep laughing, you’re funny I’m sorry--
Alena: Zaku comes in, fresh out the womb, honkin’ on that ‘net. And um--
Sarah: [CACKLING]
Alena: And because [CENSORED] as we all know, is ethnically a saxophone player--
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: DID YOU JUST SAY ETHNICALLY A “ZAXOPHONE” PLAYER?
Alena: [laughing] I-- I said “saxophone” like it was on the menu-- at Zaxby’s--
Sarah: [CACKLING] Hold on-- I’m gonna let you finish-- go on-- go on--
Alena: Fuckin’ Zaxby’s.
Sarah: You know, Zaxby’s, where you get your Zaxophone.
Alena: Yeah, they were destined to fight because they were both trying to honk. It just-- it sounded like a bunch of angry geese. And of course, because everyone knows you need both arms and all of your fingers to literally do anything with a clarinet, the worst possible thing you could do to this man is to dislocate both his arms. Because then he can’t do--
Sarah: So [CENSORED] made him lose his clarinet scholarship?
Alena: Full-- full ride to UGA and he lost it all.
Sarah: Man, we got a lotta censor bleeps in this episode I’m so sorry.
Alyssa: That’s alright.
Sarah: We made a vow and now we’re actively breaking it, cause we’re talking about the chunin exam arc. And you know. You know.
Alena: He’s in there.
Alyssa: It’s alright.
Alena: Um…
Sarah: He’s there. Inside my… somethin’. Um-- [laughing]
Alena: [singing] The Phantom of the Chunin Exams is there--
Sarah: [singing] is there-- [CACKLING] Now hold on-- [gasp] I just had a realization.
Alena: Yes.
Sarah: Dosu is the Phantom of the Chunin Exams.
Alena: Oh--
Alyssa: Oh no--
Alena: It’s because the Phantom of the Opera also only had the one stink eye out.
Sarah: Yeah, they called him “Stink Eye” in high school and that’s why he ended up like that.
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: The whole-- Phantom of the Opera got called “Stink Eye” a lot in high school, and he’s just like, “I’ll never be loved forever. I’m going to move into a basement and spend eight million dollars a year on candles. Oh, me. Stinky boy.”
Alena: That would explain-- listen. That would explain-- Do you think-- because we’ve already established the Orochimaru is Phantom of the Opera lore, do you think that Dosu is like, “I’m gonna be that. I wanna be like him.”
Alyssa: Yeah. Definitely.
Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. They did somewhat idolize Orochimaru, I believe. I would just make an assumption, everybody in the Sound Village does.
Alena: Now imagine. Imagine. You’re a budding Soundcloud rapper, you’re fourteen years old. And this cool, ageless snake teacher pops up and is like--
Alyssa: Sneacher?
Alena: Sneacher, if you will. Pops up--
Sarah: --Sneacher, if you will--
Alena: --and is like, “Hey kids. Parents parents are dumb. Come to my village, and you can listen to all the Neutral Milk Hotel all you want. All hours of the night. There’s no bedtime. Also? I’m gonna need some of your blood. But it won’t come up. Don’t even sweat.” I mean, I would have done it. I would have gone along.
All: [pause]
Alena: Do we need a moment to process that one, fellas?
Alyssa: Little bit. [wheeze]
Sarah: “I know you guys are orphans, but parents are dumb, dont worry about it. You didn’t need those.” You know, the fantasy for me there, I love-- it was like reading a word picture--
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: And then I became so overcome with concern for teenage Alena, playing along with Orochimaru and his bottle full of Nyquil that he’s drinking like a fucking beer. Because you know he does that. Like he doesn’t try to offer it to children, cause we’re not going down that pipeline, but you know Orochimaru just drinks fucking Benadryl all the time, right? Like-- sorry, Z-Quil. He drinks both, but Z-Quil’s for the fancy days.
Alena: He calls it Zinfandel and you’re like, “That’s Z-Quil.”
Sarah: [wheeze] That’s Z-Quil! He’s like “Mmm take a little sip of my Zinfandel.”
Alena: “Mmm Tomaahtos, Tomaaytos!”
Sarah: “Tomah-tos, tomay-tos, Kabuto. All of it is Zinfandel to me!”
Alena: It’s all Zinfandel to me!
Alyssa: Oh my god--
Alena: Downs a bottle of Z-quil like it's a 5-Hour Energy.
Sarah: Hey, I actually really need a shirt that says, “It’s all Zinfandel to me”
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: Like, not be a wine mom but that’s a good one.
Alena: Yeah, we’ll make merch out of that one.
Sarah: Yeah, make merch outta that. You know, time to capitalize on my interests.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Everyone’s doing it!
Sarah: Everyone’s doing it.
Alena: “Everyone’s doing it, Kabuto.”
Sarah: “Everyone’s doing it, Kabuto. What are you talking about, you are so silly.”
Alyssa: So we are starting to approach our length for the night, fellas. So--
Sarah: [gasp] Oh it’s been such and easy ride this time--
Alena: It’s been such an easy ride.
Alyssa: Um-- So I think--
Sarah: Been a lot of band memories.
Alyssa: --we need to, first of all, address the fact that Dosu does get killed by a twelve year old boy.
Sarah: Yeah.
Alena: Oh yeah.
Sarah: How old was Dosu supposed to be? I always imagined Dosu was actually an adult, was he not?
Alena: Dosu was fourteen.
Sarah: What the fuck!
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: What kinda fucking fourteen looks like that?
Alena: Dosu was fourteen, man, low brass player at fourteen fucks you up. Hm, let’s see. Kin Tsuchi was fourteen, Zaku Abumi was--- also fourteen. They were all fourteen. They were all literally sophomores in high school.
Sarah: I can’t actually get sad about this. I can’t-- I can’t
Alena: I’m not allowed to be sad about three dead fourteen year old ninjas.
Sarah: I’m a little depressed about these kids. They kinda deserved better, I’m not gonna lie to you. They were all-- oughh. I’m stressed out, Naruto stresses me out. I’m too old to just like watch fourteen year olds fight to the death--
Alena: Would you-- would you like me to--
Alyssa: And Gaara did kill one of them.
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: Oh yeah, Gaara’s like. Twelve.
Alena: Would you like me to bring it all around on a more positive note that we can end one without causing ourselves too much pain about Naruto characters?
Alyssa: Wait, we have a little bit more time.
Alena: Okay.
Alyssa: So we’re fine.
Sarah: I feel like we gotta start rounding it out though, so Alena what do ya got, what do ya got?
Alena: So you know, we’ve looked at these three characters. They are not… lacking in depth-- eh.
Sarah: [wheeze] We could go places with that.
Alena: Though they are, I think, they are lacking in… In a certain type of development that I’m glad we were able to give them here today. If we look at what we’ve said about them: Dosu playing something in the low brass section-- because of course these are all band children. Kin Tsuchi playing a snare drum.
Sarah: Yeah, she’s a snare girl.
Alena: And Zaku playing the clarinet. What do we notice about all these instruments?
Sarah: I don’t know enough about band to tell you what’s up.
Alena: That’s right! [laughing]
Sarah: Sorry, that’s right!
Alena: None of them are… you know, the clarinets play the melody, but they don’t carry the melody. The snare drum plays the beat, but you need other drums round it out. The low brass gives you that rich undertone, but you still need the trumpets to bring it out to the top. What I'm saying is that alone, these three shitty little band kids do not make an orchestra. But together, they orchestrated something beautiful.
All: [pause]
Alyssa: I have to go.
Sarah: Legitimately-- hey, legitimately that made my heart warm.
Alena: Aww! [laughing]
Sarah: Good job! I liked that, I don’t even-- I’m not attached to these characters.
Alena: No.
Sarah: When I was a kid I thought that they were all kind of mean.
Alena: Yeah, they’re kind of mean. I think they try to assassinate some other children.
Alyssa: I mean they were raised by Orochimaru!
Sarah: Yeah, I mean. You know, here’s the thing, I sat here and tried to figure out a pleasant child that Orochimaru raised, and I couldn’t think of one, so I think-- [gasp] Oh my god how could I forget. Jugo!
Alena: Jugo’s very nice.
Alyssa: Jugo is--
Alena: Jugo’s a good boy. Very sweet.
Sarah: And you know what--
Alyssa: Jugo’s the exception that proves the rule.
Sarah: Exactly. I think that has made a decision for us.
Alena: Mhmm.
Sarah: I think next week we need to talk about Team Taka.
Alena: Yeah. Now-- Do we want to--
Alyssa: Now, do we just want to talk about Jugo?
Alena: Do we want to dedicate--
Sarah: Do we just wanna talk about Jugo?
Alena: I think we can find enough about each of Team Taka, minus you-know-who, to create one episode for each of them. Especially because they each have their own developed storylines. These three sound kids were a little bit different because they were very briefly in the series. But I think for Team Taka we can definitely talk about each of them for an episode.
Sarah: I think you’re absolutely right, okay. I think, then, next episode is Jugo. I-- oh my god I love Jugo.
Alena: Jugo’s great! I’m so excited.
Alyssa: Yeah!
Alena: Jugo’s lovely.
Sarah: I love him! He’s so sweet, he’s lovely.
Alyssa: So-- In the meantime-- I feel like We’re missing a fact from somebody.
Alena: Did I not--
Sarah: I’ve given a fact.
Alena: Did I not give a fact?
Alyssa: I guess-- technically no, but you have done the most talking this episode.
Alena: See okay, I think I was building up to my fact to literally be that Zaku played the clarinet, and then you said it--
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: -- and that’s why I was so hype cause I was like, “SHE KNOWS.”
Sarah: She knows!
Alena: Yeah, that can count as my fact. Zaku plays the clarinet.
Sarah: Here’s the thing. I peaked at saying-- whatever the fuck I said about the clarinet. Out the womb. Blowin-- what did I say?? Blowin’ on that ‘net.
Alena: Straight out the womb, honkin’ on that ‘net!
Sarah: I peaked at “Fresh out the womb, honkin’ on that ‘net.” So I think I’m out of jokes. I’m sorry, that’s the funniest I’m gonna be for two weeks.
Alena: Hell yeah.
Sarah: I think clarinet players owe me a lot for saying that. I think it was really brave of me, I think it was really audacious. And I would even say it was a little revolutionary. So Zaku, if you’re listening to this. I did this for you.
Alena: We did this for you.
Sarah: You owe me 25 cents.
Alena: You owe me 25 cents.
Alyssa: God-- he really does just look like a small edgy Kakashi.
Alena: He does.
Sarah: He does. Oh my god.
Alena: We’ve done good here today, fellas.
Sarah: We’ve done good here today, fellas.
Alyssa: Are we ready to wrap it up?
Alena: I think we’re ready to wrap it up.
Sarah: I think we’re ready to wrap.
Alena: I gave my little moral. Yeah.
Sarah: We’ve decided our next episode. We’ve recorded for like, an hour.
Alena: The Sound Kids, as most teams go: Weaker apart, stronger together. Band kids forever. Honk on that ‘net. Thank you so much this has been Til Death Do Us Nart!
Sarah: WOOO!
End Message: Til Death Do Us Nart is a 103Ghouls Production podcast. It is created and produced by three women who are completely off their rocks. Theme song is “Drunk Punch Man” by Bullmoose. Find it and other songs by Bullmoose on Spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. To support the show, consider donating to our Patreon which can be found in the show notes. If you can’t, believe me, we understand. Please consider subscribing to us on Youtube, sharing the link to the show, and above all, talking us up on social media. We really appreciate the support. Oh, and one more thing: Thanks for listening.
[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]