Kisame

We're diving into a man of mystery this time, listeners! Who leaves shark teeth behind on beaches for tourists to find? Who is secretly king of the ocean? We're talking about Kisame!

Transcript can be found here: https://tildeathdousnart.buzzsprout.com/

A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!
If you enjoyed the show please consider donating to our Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/tddun

Transcript

Alyssa (Intro): Seriousness and children should be left at the door. Very little of what our hosts are about to say is factual but will be crass. This is… Til Death Do Us Nart.

Alyssa: So Welcome back to Til Death Do Us Nart!

Sarah: Welcome back Til Death Do-- ugh--

Alyssa & Sarah: [laughing]

Sarah: God dammit I forgot how to introduce the podcast again

Alena: It-- it’s a character analysis and lifestyle podcast.

Alyssa: It sure is!!

Alena: In which, um--

Alyssa: What kind of lifestyle are we promoting?

Alena: We break down the finer points of Naruto characters week by week, and um… our goal is that with the information that we give you here, we will completely negate the need to ever watch Naruto. [wheeze]

Sarah: Yeah, you’ll never have to do it, and I’d say-- we’re saving people time--

Alena: We’re saving people a lot of time--

Sarah: I think we’re saving lives here, and I think that’s why our civic duty is so important, you guys.

Alena: Yeah. We’re doing god’s work.

Sarah: Doing god’s work.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Naruto god’s work. Don’t worry, we’ll make an episode about Naruto god. This is not the one. 

Alyssa: Oh god, there is a Naruto god, isn’t there?

Alena: There’s a Naruto god, it's a whole thing.

Sarah: It’s a whole thing.

Alyssa: Isn’t it-- what does Japan know about the moon?

Sarah: No, dude, it’s Jesus.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: It’s Jesus.

Sarah: There’s a whole episode about it.

Alena: [laughing] I-- I don’t think Jesus is allowed to be in Naruto--

Sarah: No! Didn’t you watch the Jesus arc? Am I the only fucking person?

Alena: Oh! Oh, the Jesus arc. 

Sarah: Yeah-- And you know what? 

Alena: Yeah?

Sarah: You know what-- you know what people associate Jesus with a lot, guys? 

Alena: Mhmm?

Sarah: Did you know Jesus is heavily associated with the Pisces symbol?

Alena: Mhmm. Um…

Alyssa: What??

Sarah: Do you know who else is a Pisces in Naruto?

Alena: Kisame.

Sarah: KISAME!

Alena: Of course he is!

Sarah: You know who this episode is about?

Alyssa: Sarah--

Alena: Look at him.

Sarah: Kisame!

Alena: Kisame.

Alyssa: Sarah--

Sarah: Nothing I said is incorrect.

Alena: Everything you said is true.

Alyssa: [laughing] What have we been smoking?

Sarah: It’s a segway! It’s a segway. So this episode is about Kisame, one of my personal favorites. I’ve been waiting on pins and needles for this episode, and you guys are going to sit through it so help me god.

Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: God, I can’t believe we’re doing this so soon.

Alena: Uh, I think-- I think that you forget, Sarah, that Kisame is also one of my favorites.

Sarah: Oh, of course.

Alena: And I think, in fact, for my graduation gift-- you know, when I graduated with a Bachelor’s in History-- You gave me a framed piece of art--

Sarah: Uh huh…

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: Of um… this man giving me a piggyback ride on a scenic beach. [laughing]

Sarah: I did in fact commission my friend to draw you and Kisame on a date, and I believe you framed it.

Alena: Oh it’s framed-- now Sarah, I would like to point out, you gave it to me framed, however it has stayed-- I am looking at it right now, it’s sitting on my shelf. 

Sarah: Yeah, I think that illustrates everything people need to know about this episode.

Alena: Mhmm [laughing]

Sarah: We should post that to our Twitter, I will ask my friend if they will allow us--

Alena: I would love that, we should do that when this episode airs, we need to include that picture.

Sarah: So, I think we should start this episode off right, and you know, Alyssa can go first like she usually does, and she can tell us what she knows about Kisame.

Alyssa: What do I know about our lord and savior Kisame?

Sarah: Mhmm. 

Alyssa: What-- his sword.

Sarah: Uh huh. His sword.

Alyssa: Is like... Out of a group of special swords.

Sarah: Yes.

Alyssa: And I can’t remember what they’re called.

Alena: You’re right.

Sarah: It is one of the special swords. 

Alena: The Seven Swordsmen of the Hidden Mist.

Sarah: The Hidden Mist.

Alyssa: And I learned that one of them is uh… Zabuza. 

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: Gotta love him.

Sarah: I love him, I love me some Zabuza--

Alena: But here’s the thing. We’re not here for Zabuza this week. We will be, trust us. When we’re here for Zabuza, you’ll know. 

Sarah: YOU’LL KNOW--[honk] Oh, you’ll know.

Alyssa: Hey, is Kisame the one that might Might Gai-- that Might Gai tries to do the--

Alena: Yeah!

Alyssa: That Might Gai tries to do the water jutsu thing on?

Alena: Um--

Sarah: Now, be more detailed I want to know what you’re implying here, cause I’m excited--

Alyssa: They were-- Might Gai makes a tiger come out of the water.

Sarah: Ohh, yeah--

Alena: Now...yeah

Sarah: I forgot about that, that’s Afternoon Tiger, I believe. That was his Afternoon Tiger technique. And that was not out of the water, I believe that was just an incredible amount of bodily force exerted by Mr. Michael Gai.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: Mr. Michael Gai exerted bodily force in the shape of a tiger, which as you know is um… Everyone’s got a lil body-force tiger in there, his is just real big.

Alyssa: Everyone is booing us on Twitter--

Sarah: Everyone tries to correct me on Twitter--

Alena: Um, I don’t know why they would do that, considering that we have never, ever told a lie on this podcast.

Sarah: We’ve never been wrong on this podcast.

Alena: And if they think that we have gotten our facts misaligned, they can feel free to do their research.  

Alyssa: Michael Gai.

Sarah: You can research Michael Gai’s bodily forces all you want, I think I know more about Michael Gai’s Bodily forces than you--

Alyssa: Okay-- I think we need to explain why we keep making a joke about “Michael” Gai.

Alena: It’s because it’s his legal Christian name. His-- his father named him Michael.

Sarah: Yeah, just like Presentation Michael from My Hero Macademia. 

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: Didn’t you know? He’s a really important character in My Hero Macademia. 

Alena: Yeah, Presentation Michael

Sarah: Presentation Michael! Don’t you know?

Alyssa: [attempting to recover]

Sarah: We’re killing her.

Alena: [laughing] We’ve done it.

Sarah: We’ve done it.

Alyssa: My only regret… I can’t take y’all with me.

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: You never can, I’m too strong. Me and Presentation Michael. And his cousin Michael Gai.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: They’re related, it’s a whole thing.

Sarah: Now Alyssa… just as like, a brief segway here. I do want to remind you about the time when I first started dragging you and Alyssa back into Naruto, and you guys had your first kiss with Michael Gai. and I was like, “Yeah. That’s Might Gai.” 

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: And BOTH. BOTH OF YOU. QUIETLY ASSUMED. THAT I WAS WRONG. And that his name was MIKE Gai. Mike with a “K”. And you both just assumed quietly and gently as you do, that I was incorrect.

Alena & Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: And now, when I say Michael Guy, Alyssa, you’re like, “Sarah that’s not his name.”

Alena & Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: AS IF YOU WERE WERE THE ONE WHO WROTE THAT RULE IN THIS HOUSE.

Alena: Do not cite the magic to me, witch!

Sarah: WITCH! I was there when it was written!

Alyssa: Fraggle Rock 2, Electric Boogaloo.

Sarah: [laughing]

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: What--

Alyssa: I think we need to explain that too, cause we did make that joke in the first episode--

Alena: Now-- I almost-- At this point, cause it's been a few episodes, I think that we should let people figure that one out on their own.

Sarah: Yeah, I think we should leave a little mystery. Mystery’s appealing.

Alena: Yeah, leave a little mystery.

Alyssa: We’re gonna have to make a post on Twitter about it.

Alena: Yeah, probably--

Sarah: Fine. Fine, fine.

Alena: We’ll see.

Sarah: You know-- you know who else’s mysteries are appealing to me?

Alyssa: Hm?

Sarah: Kisame Hoshigake 

Alena: Oh, Sarah tell me about his mysteries.

Sarah: I would love to tell you about his mysteries because it’s my turn, and I can give you a Kisame Fact. And uh… My Kisame Fact, that I have selected, is that he has fun little teeth. And I just think that's fun. 

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: Not to be, like, a whore, but I find that character trait sexy.

Alyssa: Oh, please…

Sarah: Yes. He has fun little shark teeth.

Alyssa: “Not to be, like, a whore…” Is one anyway…

Alena: “Not to be, like, a whore,” she says. You know, like a whore.

Sarah: Like a whore! I think-- he seems to be taking very good care of his teeth. They’re a very nice color, they’re a very nice shape. You know, he has a lot of them, they are sharp...

Alena: Now-- I have a question. 

Sarah: Yeah. What’s your question?

Alena: They make me feel several ways, however, one thing-- I think-- and while it is not a mystery that he has sharp teeth--

Sarah: Yes.

Alena: I would like to know: How close are they to actual shark teeth? Meaning that you have that bad boy open up his mouth and tilt back, are there, like, rows?

Alyssa: Oh my god, does he have four rows of teeth?

Sarah: Definitely.

Alena: Does he-- Is he just constantly losing teeth?

Sarah: I think so, yeah. Like. He’ll be chilling at a restaurant with Itachi or whatever, just sipping some tea. And then suddenly it's full of teeth. Cause he’s like “Awww man.”

Alena: There’s just a bunch of teeth in there, and Itachi’s like, “Shit man, you good?” and Kisame’s like, “Yeah, no. It’s fine. You want one?” and Itachi’s like, “...No. I don’t want one of your teeth. What the fuck.”

Alyssa: I know what I’m getting y’all for your birthdays now.

Alena: … You’re getting us some teeth?

Alyssa: [laughing] Heck yeah--

Sarah: I want some teeth. I want some teeth, my teeth are super fucked up--

Alena: I want some teeth

Sarah: I want some more teeth.

Alena: I want my human teeth replaced with shark teeth so that I can forget and constantly injure my own mouth with them, but also it’ll look pretty sick.

Sarah: Oh yeah, no, I would want the same. I would look sick. And you know, just like. Hell. Now here’s a-- here’s a question for you, and I think it’s a mystery. What does he do with all these teeth that he loses? Do you think he just has a jewelry chain on the side?

Alyssa: Yeah. He tells them they’re shark teeth. Yeah.

Sarah: They are shark teeth! They are! They are shark teeth, he is a whole shark--

Alena: Um-- yeah--

Alyssa: But he’s not an actual shark--

Alena: Listen-- 

Sarah: Are--? [incredulous noise of shock]

Alyssa: He’s a shark-person. Not a shark.

Sarah: But-- but he is a real shark, that-- His name Ki-sa-me. 

Alena: He can turn into a shark.

Sarah: He can turn into a shark.

Alena: He can turn into a shark.

Sarah: Yeah, He can turn into a shark. And also--

Alena: He can talk to sharks, I--

Sarah: He can talk to sharks--

Alyssa: He turns into sharks?

Sarah: Yeah, he can turn into a shark.

Alyssa: Oh my god… wait. You realize. That we are missing out on a lot of Sharkboy and Lava Girl jokes right now.

Sarah: We are going to get into those, and I thank you for bringing them up, because him and his goth, fire-themed friend are a great segway into this. But I forgot my Kisame fact, because I got too wrapped up in thinking about Kisame, again, owning a nice little beachside shark tooth necklace shop.

Alena: Now--

Alyssa: No, you said your fact, you said you like his teeth.

Alena: Now, what I like to picture he does with the teeth… It’s kind of what I like to call the Johnny Appleseed Scenario--

Sarah: Oh yes.

Alena: In which--

Alyssa: Oh no--

Alena: --he’s constantly losing teeth, right? He pops one out, he’s like, “Ah shit, not again,” pops it into a little satchel at his side. It just, you know, kinda sits there for a while. And as he is going on about his travels-- specifically around beaches-- he’ll just kind of, like, scatter them.  And so that is why when you go to the beach you can so easily find shark teeth. All of them are actually from Kisame.

Sarah: All of them. He’s so generous.

Alena: I know that-- so generous to us, what a man. I know that the scientists have been trying to convince us for many, many years that they are sharks’ teeth. But sharks-- the ones that aren’t Kisame, of which there are several--

Sarah: Few, though.

Alena: When they lose their teeth, they bury them, and that’s how new sharks grow. But the ones you find washed up on the beach? Those are from Kisame.

Sarah: So are Kisame’s teeth sterile, like, not you know, sterile-sterile? But like--

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: What’s the-- okay, you know if you got, like, a fruit? And it’s got seeds, but if you plant those seeds they wouldn’t grow, what’s that called?

Alena: Mhmm. I don’t know, I think sterile.

Sarah: Sterile? I think sterile is the closest thing. There’s probably somebody with an unhinged amount of farm knowledge that’s gonna listen to this and scream at me like some long-forgotten ghost about what it is, but I’m too lazy to google it right now. So you know. He’s sterile, but not that kind of sterile, you know what I mean?

Alena: Yeah. Um-- 

Alyssa: Yeah…

Alena: His-- listen. His teeth don’t grow sharks because they have to be submerged in water, and they’re just scattered around on the beach. 

Sarah: Oh, of course.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: So some of them become little sharks, though. Cause little waves.

Alena: Some of them-- well, that’s why there are tiny sharks.

Sarah: Ohhh, little--

Alyssa: [begins singing the Baby Shark song]

Sarah: Fuck--

Alena: We’re NOT--

Alyssa: [persists]

Sarah: We’re not even half an hour into the episode before Baby SHAAARK--

Alena: [laughing]

All: [tense silence]

Alyssa: [Starts singing again]

Alena & Sarah: [both loudly protesting]

Alyssa: [cackles]

Sarah: Now… I was about to say something like a whore but I’m not going to do it. Um, Alena, what’s your fact about--

Alena: Were you gonna say “Daddy Shark”, because I thought that too, and I don’t like that about myself.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah, I don’t like that about myself… Alena, what’s your fact??

Alyssa: “I was going to say something like a whore,” does it anyways.

Alena: So, uh… Let’s see. My favorite fact about-- ooh. I can’t give my fact about Kisame. Because. Um.  

Sarah: Alyssa will get mad?

Alena: Alyssa will get mad at me.

Alyssa: Go for it.

Sarah: Oh Alena, I don’t know if we’re allowed to do that one here.

Alena: That’s--

Alyssa: Go Ahead. Make My Day.

Alena: I don’t know if I want to make your day.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: I don’t know either, Alyssa, it’s almost like you’re wanting us to talk about it.

Alyssa: Go for it.

Alena: Here’s the thing.

Alyssa: See what happens.

Alena: That’s fine.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Listen. Sharks, many of them… that’s all I’m gonna say.

Alyssa: [laughing] Oh no--

Sarah: KISAME HAS TWO DICKS, THAT’S ALL I’M GONNA SAY!

Alena: I’m just saying! That’s a fact.

Sarah: Well, technically… technically. Technically?

Alyssa: Ohh no… I was hoping you’d say anything but--

Sarah: Technically-- I could make it something different-- Technically they’re claspers. Yeah, he would kindly inform you of this, because-- before you guys--

Alena: Yeah. Two claspers. Yeah.

Alyssa: Just to top that, Sarah--

Sarah: I MEAN I COULD. I COULD.

Alena: WELL--[laughing]

Sarah: Left it WIDE open for that one.

Alyssa: [laughing] But Sarah, I’m a bottom.

Sarah: I know! I KNOW! WE KNOW--

Alena: WE ALL KNOW--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: That’s why you don’t CARE about Kisame the same way-- We HAVE to talk about something else--

Sarah: We can’t keep doing this--

Alena: IMMEDIATELY--

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: I’m sorry you can’t-- you’re maybe perhaps valid but not to me--

Alyssa: Okay, now you left it wide open--

Sarah: I did, but you welcomed me in. You opened the door and set down some crackers for me-- no, sorry, M&Ms. You left that little M&M trail of awful things for me to say, and then you blame me when I fall down those fucking stairs--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: What is wrong with you? This is victim blaming.

Alyssa: Me: Sticks out the cat food, ready with a spray bottle--

Sarah: Exactly, you’re like, “Oooh, Sarah, come get this little SNACK. NO! YOU WHORE, HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT THIS.”

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Alena: I’ve remembered a fact--

Sarah: OH GOOD!

Alena: I remembered a fact. He likes salmon, let's talk about that.

Sarah: He likes crab-- he likes salmon, crab, and seafood!

Alyssa: He’s on a seafood diet. See? Food.

Alena: Time for seafood. Is that… pescetarianism? Is that what that means?

Sarah: I think he’s a pescatarian, cause I’m pretty sure Kisame will eat whatever you put in front of him, but he does prefer-- he finds seafood tasty. I know all Naruto characters also tend to have food they dislike? What food does he not like?

Alyssa: Uh-- okay, before we get onto that, I have a question.

Alena: I have-- I have to look that up.

Alyssa: Does he eat shark?

Sarah: Absolutely not.

Alena: No, that would be cannibalism, absolutely not. Kisame’s actually on the international board of advocacy against shark fin soup and hunting sharks for that reason. 

Sarah: I need to look this up, but I think his least favorite food is shark fin soup. 

Alyssa: What--

Sarah: I think that’s a canon fact, like if it’s not--

Alena: Hold on, I gotta look this up--

Alyssa: Kisame Hoshigaki… Narutofandom.com…. 

Sarah: Yeah, scroll down to the bottom. That’s where the trivia is.

Alena: I don’t know--

Alyssa: Oh my god there’s just a picture of him. Shirtless.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah! [cackling]

Alena: We know.

Sarah: I know it very well, trust me.

Alyssa: Alright, down to the trivia, let’s see… I got bad news for y’all. He’s too old for you.

Sarah: No he’s not.

Alyssa: He’s like, 33+ now.

Sarah: Alyssa, that’s not a problem, I’m a grown, consenting adult.

Alena: Hey--

Sarah: I am 24--

Alena: Hey Alyssa? I’m 24, workin’ on 25, I’m getting to the age where like. Listen. It’s fine.

Sarah: Yeah, like no he’s not, it’s fine--

Alena: Alyssa. Alyssa. By this point, he’s dead. He dies in canon.

Alyssa: Oh shit that’s right--

Alena: He’s not-- he’s not alive at like, 27. 

Sarah: He died at like 32…

Alyssa: Yeah, listen he’s over the age of 33 according to the wiki.

Sarah: Yeah, he’s like in his mid-30s by Shippuden. 

Alyssa: Um, yeah, cause he was 29+ when he was introduced. I cannot find where his-- aha! Favorite foods are shrimp and crab, while his least favorite was “predictably, shark fin soup”!

Sarah: Hey! He won’t eat shark!

Alena: Oh my god, you’re right. It’s cannibalism. He won’t eat it.

Sarah: He likes his shark friends. Cause he’s a shark, that’s family to him. 

Alyssa: Now… wouldn’t it be messed up if there was a Naruto character whose favorite food was shark fin soup?

Sarah: Shark fin soup? That is somebody-- they’re already dead, they’re not allowed to be alive, I think Kisame has killed everybody in the Naruto universe that likes shark fin soup. Because that’s why the Save the Sharks effort in Naruto was successful, because Kisame just went straight-up murder.

Alena: Yeah. That’s why there’s so many sharks in Naruto. You might not be able to see them all the time, but they’re always there. In Naruto, even when you’re not in the water, you’re-- [laughing] --you’re never more than thirty two feet away from a shark.

 Sarah: Yeah, and like, they’re kind of chill about it, it’s weird.

Alena: The shark is Kisame, he’s out there.

Sarah: I wanna believe.

Alyssa: Also, I forgot that Samehada’s not really a sword-sword, it’s like just a freakin’ wood chipper basically.

Sarah: So-- it’s weird, because it is alive. 

Alena: It’s kinda like a drumstick with teeth.

Sarah: It’s like a pet, almost. It has, like teeth and a will of its own, and it’s interesting. Um. And here’s the thing, okay. Can you imagine being the dude that trained Kisame? Because how the Seven Swordsmen work is like-- oh wait, I’m sorry. I’m having to remember if this is canon--

Alena: Oh, wait I remember that guy, he looks like Garfeild. 

Sarah: I like to believe that he looks like more of a Heathcliff. 

Alena: [laughing] Oh god, you’re right.

Sarah: I don’t remember his name, and I feel bad. Cause I don’t wanna do this man dirty by not remembering his name, but I also believe he was kind of a dick. Can you imagine--

Alena: I think he was a dick and I also don’t care about him, so--

Sarah: I-- he’s funny looking, he’s Heathcliff looking-- Can you imagine being that guy? I can’t remember if the swordsmen actually run off like an apprenticeship program, but I’m just going to assume it runs that way because they’re swords--

Alena: I think they do…

Sarah: So like, can you imagine being this guy, and you’re like, “Yeah, this is Samehada. This is ‘Sharkskin’, my sword! It’s very sharky and shark-themed!” And this kid rolls up and is like, “Hey! My name is literally ‘Demon Shark’. And I have shark things. And I’m Sharkboy. And I--”

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: “I wonder if I’m going to perhaps be narratively important--”

Alena: “Hi, my name is Demon Shark McSharkboy.”

Alyssa: “My name is--” Actually, his last name means ‘dried persimmon’!

Sarah: It does! All of the Seven Swordsmen have produce-themed surnames! It’s an interesting fact, there.

Alyssa: Also, I really like his favorite phrase, which is, “The weak are meat, the strong eat.”

Sarah: Yes.

Alena: [chanting] The weak are meat. The strong are eat. 

Sarah: The strong are eat.

S & Alena: [in sync] BEAT THAT MEAT!!

Alena: Eat that meat… FULL OF BEETS! [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah, and can you imagine being that guy, though? Like this kid rolls up and is like, “Yeah, my name’s Demon Sharkboysharkyshark Dried Persimmon Something. And I have little shark teeth and gills on my face and I have this really overarching shark theme. I don’t know where my parents are, they probably weren’t important enough for Kishimoto to write about, as usual. They would probably be really interesting. Or perhaps I just washed up on a beach somewhere and everybody decided to think I was a child!”

Alyssa: Or maybe… they probably looked like sharks too, because he is based on a Japanese creature. 

Sarah: Yeah, I mean, he is. 

Alyssa: Called a… samebito.

Sarah: Yeah, a samebito. Like I wanna know his family, but anyway. You’re this guy’s teacher and you’re like, “Man. I hope this guy doesn’t dramatically murder me for my sword at any point in time. Especially when he’s an adult and he’s suddenly much stronger than me and malicious. That’d be super fucked up. Anyway, I’m gonna teach you how to use this sword!”

Alena: Wouldn’t it be fucked up if I taught this baby how to use a sword?

Sarah: That’s all of Naruto.

All: [cackling]

Alena: That’s it everybody! That’s the show, thank you for coming to our podcast!

Sarah: We’re not gonna make any more of these.

Alyssa: So… that does lead us to something that we need to talk about a little bit.

Sarah: Let’s talk about it.

Alyssa: The frickin… Hidden Mist Village’s graduation exam.

Sarah: Oh yeah… oh, we could get into that one, man. Let’s talk about child murder. Um, so the thing is--

Alyssa: Hunger Games. Hunger Games. Hunger Games.

Sarah: Essentially yeah.

Alena: I feel-- I feel like yeah, yeah. Okay so listen. It’s kind of like the Hunger Games, but with more of a dodgeball twist.

Sarah: Oh yeah. I don’t know if you guys ever had to play dodgeball my style, but it is a lot like this--

Alena: There is-- there’s definitely--

Alyssa: Did you put a knife in the ball?

Sarah: Maybe to you. Anyway. 

Alena: Yeah-- how have YOU been playing dodgeball??

Alyssa: Not at all!

Sarah: I throw a wrench at people and I say, “If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball.” Let’s talk about that graduation exam, because once again. Can we talk about how once again this can be related back to the American public school system? Because I feel like we can make a link.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: [laughing] Oh, I know there’s for sure a link. Now I will say, Sarah, I feel like your highschool situation is definitely more representative of what would have been seen in the Hidden Mist Village. I feel like a hundred fifty-some kids with swords is about on par with small-town American High School.

Sarah: Yeah, that’s why I relate to this so well.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: So, yeah. Exactly. And I thank that like-- Now, imagine… so we can apply this to an American public school system where it’s like, okay graduation day, everyone get on your caps and gowns. Ladies, you need to be wearing nude shoes.

Sarah: Yes, we had to-- I had to wear a white dress and nude shoes.

Alyssa: Y’all were forced to wear nude shoes??

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Let’s get on with the joke about my nude shoes.

Alyssa: WHAT.

Alena: Moving on with the joke! So, you show up in your high school gym time, because there are only a hundred fifty kids. They’re not gonna rent out a theater for this. It’s the Hidden Mist Village, they don’t have any fucking money. And the school superintendent gets up there. It is the Garfield man.

Sarah: Of course it’s him--

Alena: And he’s like, “Yes, it’s brought you to this day, hahaha.” And then--

Sarah: Dear god-- no no no, this is-- Garfeild’s here! Garfield the cat.

Alena: And uh-- gives his little speech, sits back down. And then the graduation music starts, like Pomp and Circumstance. And like, hatches in the ceiling open down, and dodgeballs full of knives just kinda drop down--

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: And all of these hundred and fifty kids that like-- you have spent the last twelve years being taught beside, but also because you know how kids are--  

Sarah: Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah--

Alena: --literally half of them have dated each other, there’s a whole weird little clique of twenty band kids that all band together but within fifteen seconds they all turn on each other. And they all wipe each other out within fifteen minutes. It’s literally just a bloodbath. And then like… yeah.

Alyssa: Alena. I would like to correct you about them being those stupid foam dodgeballs just packed with knives. They are those giant metal spiked balls that you see in medieval fantasy stories. 

Alena: Ohh…

Sarah: Now, Alyssa, this implies that they could afford those.

Alena: Now here’s the thing-- here’s the thing--

Sarah: Because if my highschool was going to equip us all with a weapon, it would be one of the shitty foam balls and a lead pipe.

Alyssa: [wheeze] But Sarah, this is why they can’t afford anything else.

Alena: I was just gonna say-- It’s the situation where, “Help my family’s starving,”

Sarah: OH MY GOD-- you’re right--

Alena: How can I budget better? Buy less knives. No.

Sarah: No.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: That’s the entirety of the Hidden Mist Village’s financial crisis.

Sarah: Hey, I actually think that’s real.

Alena: [laughing] Bought too many knives!

Sarah: The canonical reason-- They’re like, “Why are our children starving?” “Buy less knives.” “But what will the children stab each other with?”

Alena: What will the children fight with? [laughing]

Alyssa: Also, Sarah, you can reuse those same weapons every year.

Alena: That’s true--

Sarah: Yeah, oh you’re right--

Alena: Hey you think that just like how gym equipment, half of them are wrapped over with electrical tape because they’re basically falling apart?

Sarah: Yeah, yeah.

Alena: They bought them back in the 80s and just haven't bothered to replace them. But there’s that one knife that’s really good--

Sarah: Oh absolutely--

Alena: --and so everyone is like--

Sarah: Dude, can you imagine a kunai with a bunch of tape on it?

Alena: [laughing] It’s like really dull, it’s like trying to beat someone to death with a butter knife.

Alyssa: Sarah I’m sorry, what did you use to make your spear for your cosplay?

Alena: [laughing] PVC pipe and electrical tape

Sarah: I learned how to do it in highschool! Now, here’s the thing, here’s the thing, here’s the thing. I have realized something in this discussion about the Hidden Mist Village’s funding. Do you think that’s why the Seven Swordsmen end up murdering each other for swords so much? Because there’s only seven? They could literally only afford seven?

Alena: Oh my god-- you’re so right! You’re so right! Listen it’s-- okay. If we’re applying this to high school, it’s just like when, “Sorry if you play the tuba, you have to switch to the baritone for marching band because we only have four sousaphones. You’re gonna have to figure something else out.” There’s only--

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Sarah: At my high school, there was a sousaphone in a ditch out back, and if you were brave enough to get that one you’re good.

Alena: [laughing] Oh my god. There’s only seven swords, it’s the only ones that we could afford. Yes, we could buy more, but at this point it’s become a whole thing, and we’re not going to buy more swords.

Alyssa: Okay, but Sarah I need to know if the sousaphone thing in the ditch was a real thing.

Alena: Based on what you know about Sarah, why on Earth would you doubt it?

Sarah: It’s good-- here’s the thing, the sousaphone in the ditch was real. You could walk out back of my high school and cross our little shitty ring where the buses went around-- which was also our track thing and our football practice field, cause we didn’t have separate things for that. Because my high school was like that. You could walk across that track thing, and there was a retention pond over the hill, over there.

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Sarah: And you could walk over there and look over the edge into the retention pond. There was an old sousaphone back there, you could see it. It was in the retention pond.

Alyssa: Why??

Sarah: Nobody ever went down there to get it. 

Alena: Now--

Sarah: Nobody did.

Alena: Now I say this--

Alyssa: Don’t they know how much those things cost?

Alena: They’re very expensive

Sarah: Yeah--

Alena: Now I do say this as a sort of tangent not entirely unlike Naruto, cause it does relate to swords, but do you think that the sousaphone was like a modern-day Lady in the Lake parallel? Where it’s like, you are bestowed the sousaphone from the retention pond and then you can go on and-- and that makes you king of the high school, baby!

Sarah: What that sousaphone did-- it ensures that if you get a degree in music you can actually use it. 

Alena: Ohhh [laughing] see--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah, it’s very important!

Alyssa: Y’all I know what I have to do now--

Sarah: [laughing] It’s fuckin’ wild, man. Um--

Alyssa: Hold on guys I’ll be right back--

Sarah: NO WAIT-- I’ll drive you don’t worry about it. Here’s the thing, we’ll go and retrieve it. I’m pretty-- I’m 80% sure it’s still there.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: It’s a four hour drive for me, but that’s okay. I got it.

Alena: Exactly. We get the sousaphone. And then we’re the next Seven Swordsmen.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Sarah: Yeah! Um-- hey, speaking of sousaphones and band class, can you imagine how shitty band class in the Hidden Mist Village must be?

Alena: Oh my god, yeah. Cause here’s the thing, they barely have enough of a budget for more than seven swords. You know they don’t have any sort of a music budget.

Sarah: Dude, it’s like-- the music classes in the Hidden Mist Village is just like, “Yeah we’re gonna watch STOMP for the eightieth time, y’all.”

Alena: [laughing] Hey--

Sarah: Just like, a shitty VHS of STOMP.

Alena: [laughing] It’s just STOMP on repeat, and the only-- their test-- their test-- their final test for their music class is just, “How well can you create a STOMP routine that can also be used in combat?”

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: You know what? Surprisingly effective.

Alena: Surprisingly effective. Get some broom handles, go to town.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah, but you know I think all those kids grew up and went to the Sound Village, so we’ll have to address that in another episode--

Alena: Oh god--

Sarah: If we had already--

 Alena: OH MY GOD, they were all band kids, huh?

Sarah: That’s why all kids in the Sound are like that. They’re all band kids.

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: [laughing]

Alyssa: Oh god…

Sarah: I think we have--

Alyssa: There’s a whole-- wait… We have a whole village of characters to make band jokes about.

Alena: Uh-huh.

Sarah: Yes! I think I know what our next episode is--

Alena: Yeah, Sound Village special, baby.

Sarah: We can’t use them all up now. Sound Village special.

Alyssa: Now who’s in the Sound Village?

Sarah: I’ll have to--

Alena: We will have to Google someone. We can figure it out.

Sarah: Nobody remembers those whores--

Alyssa: We’ll make an announcement on Twitter.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah please, remember these people’s names, I don’t even care if you remember them wrong. I will use them. I will say them. But you know, back to the situation at hand, here, in this episode we are doing now. 

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Sarah: It is about Kisame.What’s our next fact?

Alyssa: Ummm I think we gotta circle back to Alenerrr.

Sarah: Alena, what’s your fact about Kisame?

Alena: Um… little eyes, big heart. He’s got lil beady shark eyes, but listen, out of all the Akatsuki that I can remember… I don’t know that I would call him a kind man, but he’s not--

Sarah: Now--

Alena: Listen. Itachi chose right. If I had to be paired up with like-- to be a coworker of one of the Akatsuki? Hands down, not just because I think his butt is cute, I would pick Kisame. Cause he knows what the fuck he’s doing and he’ll fucking stay professional. He’s not--

Sarah: Professional, loyal--

Alena: He’s not gonna fight with you, he’s not gonna blow shit up, he’s like, “Look. This is my job. I’m doing this because I care about it. We’re gonna get through the day, and then I’m gonna make some--”

Sarah: Gonna have a little tea--

Alena: “We’re gonna have some tea. Gonna make some clam chowder. It’s all gonna be fine.But don’t be fuckin’ weird about it.” 

Alyssa: Fuck yeah, clam chowder.

Sarah: Fuck yeah, clam chowder. Dude, you know he makes a mean clam chowder.

Alena: A mean clam chowder.

Alyssa: Oh fuck--

Sarah: I would die--

Alena: You know he puts Old Bay on everything.

Sarah: [unintelligible sound of craving chowder]

Alyssa: You know when the McElroys were talking about killing each other for french onion soup, I think it was?

Sarah: Yeah, I believe so.

Alena: Mhmm.

Alyssa: Um, I would kill you both for some New England clam chowder.

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: That’s also kind of what started the thing in the Hidden Mist.

Alyssa: [laughing] I was gonna look up what the heck the guy’s name was.

Sarah: Look-- okay, look up pictures of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. Cause okay, you know, there’s more than seven. But it’s like a generational thing. There’s like a group of them.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah, and they show up--

Alyssa: I see five?

Sarah: Yeah, there’s like five wielders of Samehada, he's one of them. He’s the one right before Kisame.

Alyssa: Yeah, but where are the rest of them, cause I only know Zabuza and Kisame.

Sarah: Well, like-- 

Alena: A lot of them are dead because of the clam chowder incidents.

Sarah: Yeah the clam chowder incidents, they all died.

Alena: They’ve been terminated in clam chowder-related incidents. Um--

Sarah: It was really tragic, and by tragic I mean kinda not-- they were all kinda bad people, but still.

Alyssa: Hold on… Is it this Tony the Tiger looking guy?

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah! He looks like that.

Alena: Yeah, he looks like that. He looks like a big orange cat, that’s why I call him Gerfeild.

Sarah: Yeah, we call him Garfield… GARFEILF. 

Alena: [laughing] Garfeilf!

Sarah: [laughing] I miss PilotRedSun videos so much, but not actually that much. I only miss them in concept.

Alyssa: The guy with frickin’... Dragon Ball Z hair?

Sarah: God this-- yeah, it’s him. Is it my turn to list a fact again?

Alyssa: Yeah.

Sarah: What is my next fact about Mister Kisame Hoshigaki? Um… Let. Me. Think. I think it’s a really important fact to remember since Alena mentioned ‘small eyes, big heart’, that Killer Bee-- one of the great poets, one of the great knowledge keepers, and one of the smartest people in this series, honestly--

Alena: One of the great poets of our generation.

Sarah: One of the poets of our generation-- possibly the Poet Laureate of the Naruto universe if you ask me… Did look upon Kisame Hoshigaki and did get really close to his face, once and say, “Your eyes are very cute. And I like them.”

Alena: And you know what? He was right.

Sarah: He was right.

Alena: Look at those things!

Sarah: Beautiful!

Alena: Beautiful!

Sarah: And I-- hey, not to be weird, but I think about that a lot. Why did he say that?

Alena: [laughing] Because he’s nice, and he says literally every thought that has ever come into his head. His human experience, Mister Killer Bee, is one long spoken word poem and that was just the verse that came to him at that moment. And you know what? It was true, cause look at him. His eyes are cute.

Sarah: We could all-- he is cute.

Alena: They look great.  

Sarah: His eyes are adorable. We can learn a lot from Killer Bee, I think. Actually, hey, guys I know we said like, sound village episode next, but I really wanna do a Killer Bee episode.

Alena: What if we did Killer Bee? I love him.

Alyssa: We-- we can’t burn through our faves like this.

Sarah: Well he’s not like a--

Alena: He’s not even a fave, he’s just-- I like him.

Sarah: I just like him.

Alena: I like all Naruto characters.

Sarah: I like all Naruto characters. Except. You know.

Alena: You know.

Sarah: You know. That one.

Alena: You know.

Sarah: The one who shall not be named?

Alyssa: The one that we’re never doing an episode about?

Sarah: The one that we’re never doing an episode about. Ever.

Alyssa: Ever.

Sarah: Because that’s my one pledge in life, is that I won’t do an episode about. That one.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Well guys, I have an announcement.

Alena: What’s your announcement?

Sarah: Actually, let me think.

Alyssa: We’ve been at this for a little while.

Sarah: We have actually been at this for an hour, guys!

Alena: Oh my god.

Alyssa: I am sad to say that we have not made nearly enough Sharkboy and Lava Girl jokes.

Sarah: Well, let us dip into that pool, let us dip our feetsies.

Alena: Dip our lil toes…

Sarah: Dip our little toes.

Alena: Into the Sharkboy pool.

Sarah: Into the Sharkboy pool. Alyssa, since you are so passionate about this topic, what do you think about it? 

Alyssa: [laughing] I’m just picturing Taylor Lautner, now [cackling]

Sarah: Okay-- but can you picture Kisame--

Alena: Now first of all, I would like to interject and say that I think that Taylor Lautner could do an EXCELLENT job in a live-action rendition of Kisame, thank you very much.

Sarah: Yeah, actually? Unironically he could do it.

Alena: I think he would look great, I think he would do an excellent job.

Sarah: That would be really cool, actually. I hope Taylor Lautner’s having a nice day. He’s had it rough. 

Alena: I hope he’s having a nice day-- he didn’t do anything awful, did he? I don’t think he’s ever done anything that awful.

Alyssa: Um, besides be in the Twilight, which…

Alena: Um, here’s the thing, he did great in those movies. 

Sarah: And he was a teenager.

Alena: He was cute as a button, he was seventeen, and everyone got real weird about it, so…

Sarah: Yeah, I actually feel really bad for him.

Alyssa: Yeah…

Sarah: Ooh, anyway, I don’t want to think about the way the American film industry chews up children and spits them out, I wanna--

Alena: --MUCH LIKE THE HIDDEN MIST VILLAGE!

Sarah: Much like the Hidden Mist Village!!

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: I want to think about how, you know, if we have a Sharkboy and we have a Lava Girl… You guys actually watched this movie. What’s the name of the kid?

Alena: Max. I think?

Alyssa: Yeah, Max.

Sarah: WHO is--

Alena: I think his name is Max.

Sarah: -- between Itachi being Lava Girl and Kisame being Sharkboy?

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Who is their Max?

Alyssa: Naruto?

Alena: God--

Sarah: Yeah, actually--

A: I mean here’s the thing, here’s the thing. Naruto, absolutely. Because, now… I love this: Is that, um… the concept that Naruto either has, or believes he has entirely fabricated the entire Akatsuki’s existence. 

Sarah: [CACKLING]

Alena: And uh-- Kisame and Itachi are in fact dreamworld characters that he writes little comics about. But they’re just two dudes--

Alyssa: Wait-- imagine--

Sarah: Are you telling me he made up [CENSORED]’s murderous brother?

Alena: Yeah.

Alyssa: No no, no no, hang on. Now imagine. Imagine-- [laughing]

Sarah: I’m imagining. I’m thinking. I’m having thoughts.

Alyssa: You know that scene in Sharkboy and Lavagirl--

Sarah: Are we thinking about the same one??

Alyssa: Where they have to put Max to sleep.

Sarah: YES YES YES!

Alena: Oh yeah, mhmm. Yeah.

Sarah: They actually had to cut the scene from Naruto, Sharkboy and Lavagirl was just parodying it, but like--

Alena: [cackling]

Sarah: [laughing] that part in Naruto, where Jiraiya leaves a thirteen year old boy alone in a hotel room and wanders off--

Alyssa: No no no, hang on-- Jiraiya is Mister Electri-- [wheeze]

Sarah: YES! He’s mister Electricidad! And he--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: --leaves Naruto in a hotel room when he’s thirteen and goes out to pick up hookers like a responsible teacher? And then somebody knocks on the door, and he opens it and it’s Kisame and Itachi.

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Well see, they had to take the sequence out, because the episode was too long, but before they started trying to beat the shit out of this child--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: --Kisame did do the entire “Dream Dream Dream Dream Dream” song--

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: Complete with the sick little gymnast flip that Taylor Lautner pulls off.

Sarah: Sick little flip!

Alena: Itachi’s just standing there the entire time, silent like a wet mop, waiting to go home.

Alyssa: Okay I’m happy now.

Sarah: You know, I think we can start summing this episode up, so Alena?

Alyssa: I think-- I think so, Alena take us out.

Alena: So--

Sarah: Alena, how can you summarize it?

Alena: [heavy pause] Claspers.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Claspers.

Alena: Now I--

Sarah: Nope, that’s it! Claspers.

Alyssa: Goodnight, everybody!

Alena: [wheezing] I think-- and I’ll make this one short. Cause how can you sum up a man with such depth? Depth as much as the ocean, some might say. He’s... he’s what the Akatsuki wishes it could be. He is responsible, he is level-headed, he is talented, he is ambitious. It’s that perseverance which really takes him through to the end. Even  in his last moments, he’s like, “Well fuck this shit, I’m not gonna be taken alive.” And just has his little shark brothers… eat him, I guess. 

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: It’s kind of left up to the imagination, how that goes. I’m pretty sure they eat him alive. Um.. he is--

Sarah: Would you say that he is the Jimmy Carter of Akatsuki members? Too honest to be a good Akatsuki member, but honestly the best one they could have had?

Alena: [wheezing laughter] I think Kisame is the Jimmy Carter of a lot of things.

Alyssa: Oh no.

Alena: He’s the Jimmy Carter of the Akatsuki. He’s the Jimmy Carter of-- you know, if you think of the beaches of the Naruto world as being his own lil peanut farm…

Sarah: Mhmm.

Alena: Where… [struggling] he plants his teeth.

Sarah: His teeth.

Alena: That will not grow.

Sarah: That will not grow.

Alena: But will still provide joy to those who find them. He is, in many ways.. Not what he needs-- no, that not the right way to say it. In a lot of ways, he’s not what he should be. But he is what he needs to be. And I think that is a lesson we can all take from this man. This cute-eyed, multi-phallused individual, who represents with himself so much of what we should be striving for. And that is….

Sarah: Are you looking at pictures of him--

Alena: Claspers. [wheeze] 

Sarah: That’s good-- good job guys

Alena: [near sobbing] Yeah thank you--

Sarah: Really good job! Um, come back next week for-- did we decide Sound kids or Killer Bee, Alyssa?

Alyssa: Sound kids!

Alena: Sound kids!

Sarah: Sound kids? Alright, next episode we’ll see you guys then!

Alyssa: [begins singing the Baby Shark song again]

Sarah & Alena: [ADAMANT PROTEST]

Alena: I’m leaving the podcast.