Til Death Do Us Nart
Til Death Do Us Nart
Orochimaru
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We're kicking off our very first podcast with an episode about Orochimaru! Join us as we explore this character as well as Guillermo Del Torro's cinematic universe, Chuck E. Cheese-Naruto collaborations, and more!
Transcript can be found here: https://tildeathdousnart.buzzsprout.com/
A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!
If you enjoyed the show please consider donating to our Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/tddun
Alyssa (Intro): Seriousness and children should be left at the door. Very little of what our hosts
are about to say is factual but will be crass. This is… Til Death Do us Nart.
[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]
Alyssa: Alright!
Sarah: Ugh…
Alyssa: [Laughs]
Sarah: So… We don’t have a format but… I think we can- I think we can brainstorm.
[Pause]
Sarah: No format. Dick empty, tits out, head empty. Head out?
Alyssa: Which head?
Sarah: Oh you know.
Alyssa: [Laughs]
Alena: Alright. We don’t have a format. Listen. Okay. Fast and loose. No Format. No Brains.
Dick Empty. Tits out. Okay. [Laughing] So…
Sarah: Um… We’re talking about… Sn’Orochimaru today?
Alyssa: Yeah we’re talking about Orochimaru today so-
Alena: Yeah, Orochimaru, Sn’Orochimaru. Um… Well first of all should we do a little intro
because this is our first-
Alyssa: We should!
Alena: This is our first- Welcome to- I guess our working title is Til Death Do Us Nart. Um… It is a Naruto Character Analysis and Lifestyle Podcast.
Alyssa: [Laughing]
Alena: So I think that really just the direction that we want to go in for this is um… Really
emphasized by the fact that none of us have watched Naruto in almost a year. [Laughing]
Sarah: [Laughing] Oh yes! So this is going completely off of our somewhat warped perceptions
of the series at this point?
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: I think that’s just great. I think that’s how Naruto should be absorbed.
Alyssa: Okay okay, but guys we gotta introduce ourselves. They gotta know who’s talking to
them.
Sarah: [Sighing] I… I don’t want to be known by… anyone.
Alyssa: [Laughs]
Alena: I mean first names only. Um… Titles um… Prefixes…
Alyssa: Um… I’m just gonna go by my Animal Crossing title which is um… Handmade Clown.
Alena: That’s very good.
Sarah: I have a good one. My Animal Crossing title is So-Called Caregiver.
Alyssa: [Laughs]
Alena: Oh that’s very good! Yeah I think that um… mine because I don’t have a Switch I don’t
have um… A brain or Animal Crossing. Um…
Alyssa: [Sarcastically] Um… Get on our level, Alena.
Alena: Um I… Can’t. I’m very short.
Alyssa: [Laughs]
Alena: Um let’s see I think I would like to be known as… The Coffin Bearer. I think that that’s--
Sarah: Yeah that’s really good--
Alena: I think that that’s a good way to start off the--
Alyssa: [Strained] Jesus Christ....
Sarah: Alena’s absolutely fucking right, she’s just like the little coffin man meme for us right now.
Alena: I am the little coffin man meme. Uh-- I am the pallbearer--
Sarah: Yeah-- you’re the pallbearer.
Alyssa: For all of our listeners-- for all of our listeners, Alena is the funniest one out of all of us.
Sarah: [sarcastically] WOWWW Alyssa what the fuck--
Alena: [snickering] That’s RUDE--
Sarah: That was So Fucking Rude. I thought I was funny--
Alena: How Dare You--
Alyssa: [laughing] Is it not true, though?
Alena: How dare you compliment me, first of all--
Sarah: I mean it’s actually fucking right, Alena’s really funny.
Alena: Aww, thaaanks.
Sarah: [Echoing] Thaaanks
Alena: So, um, today we’re gonna be talking about everyone’s favorite funny uncle: Orochimaru.
Sarah: [deep sigh] Ohhh…
Alena: Now, I remember very little about this man, other than “I love him,” “Snakes,” and also… I think he’s very moisturized as a person.
Alyssa: [wheezing]
Sarah: This man… This snake… This ‘snerson’ -- this snake person, if you will. I believe he
does-- um. I believe he sweats aloe vera juice. Um, you know cause he’s just so hydrated and
he’s taking care of his skin. SO much.
Alena: There’s definitely a-- a residue about him.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Like every time he sits in a chair, it’s like a little wet.
Alena: A little bit wet-- a little bit wet, but a little refreshing!
Sarah: it’s kinda refreshing! Yeah, it’s like a lil spring breeze
Alena: Yeah-- um--
Sarah: this green tea jelly mask of a person
Alena: he is a green tea jelly mask of a person, um-- so should we come up with-- since we
have done no planning for this--
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Should we come up with-- I dunno, three different facets of this man as a character? As a story? As a god? That we can kind of hone in on to guide our discussion?
Sarah: Okay--
Alyssa: Um--
Sarah: Alyssa, you go first.
Alyssa: Oh, okay. I was just gonna say, um, if you guys don’t know where to start, I can always
ask you guys-- cause you guys are the ones who really like Orochimaru… I like him but I’m not
completely into him as you guys are.
Sarah: Wow what you are implying here is so--
Alena: Okay, thanks for calling us out by the way--
Alyssa: Listen, you guys share the same brain cell, don’t even pretend…
Sarah: Okay, fine. Whatever.
Alena: We share the same brain cell, and it does secrete a fine mucus of aloe vera gel, thank
you--
Sarah: [laughing]
Alyssa: Just like Orochimaru!
Sarah: Yeah, we… are kinning--
Alyssa: Um, so, okay here’s a question for the group. What is it that you guys like about
Orochimaru?
Sarah: I like that he just does whatever he wants, all the time. He’s like “Mmm. Today I woke up, and I decided that I would do a little bit of science. That I would do a little bit of science without morals.”
Alena: Imagine if science was just a little bit more like a crime.
Sarah: Yeah--
Alena: That’s the angle that I’m feeling today. I do appreciate that very deeply.
Sarah: Yeah, but he isn’t pretentious about it.
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah, he’s a man of the people.
Alena: He's the people’s criminal, and that’s, I think, what I appreciate about him. Um, I also do
like that he can just pull a very large sword out of his snake neck. Um--
Sarah: His s’neck, you mean.
Alena: His s’neck, yeah. His s’neck. Um-- really the fact that at so many different points, um, in
the series he does do awful little things within and without of his body that are really just kind of unpleasant to witness, and that is the kind of energy that I think we need to bring into this world, and this year, as we move forward. It's stressful times, and I think that if we were all just a little more flexible.
Sarah: [laughing] Oh, I think if--
Alena: A little bit-- a little bit more snake-like--
Sarah: A little bit more flexible--
Alena: And a little bit more slippery-- I think it would do us all a fair bit of good.
Sarah: A little bit more slippery, really well-moisturized--
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Really well groomed, and you know what? Super open-minded.
Alena: Super open minded. Now, I don't condone unethical medical practice...
Alyssa: [small wheeze]
Alena: I feel like we should say that.
Sarah: I think I should-- I think I should say that he did bad things.
Alena: He did.. He did… He did kidnap a lot of people, and then live in their bodies.
Sarah: Oh-- yeah. He also kidnapped, like, a lot of children, and like--
Alena: A lot of children… a lot of the bodies were from children… he did a lot of unethical
experiments--
Alyssa: Including, but not limited to [CENSORED]
Sarah: Okay, listen. [CENSORED] doesn’t count because he’s a bitch.
Alena: Okay but that’s another episode-- that’s another episode-- [laughing]
Alyssa: Okay-- or are we just going to make a vow to never make an episode about
[CENSORED]?
Sarah: No, we need to do a fucking episode about [CENSORED] but we cannot-- if we get
started on [CENSORED] we will not stop--
Alena: We gotta be in the right headspace
Sarah: We have to be in the right headspace, yeah
Alyssa: Okay, that’s fair.
Alena: It’ll become Til Death Do Us Nart: A [CENSORED] Podcast, and everyone will stop
listening because that’ll be the title.
Sarah: So…
Alena: I think that-- yes?
Sarah: I think that we should slowly shift into a round robin, um, where we all state one thing
that we know about Orochimaru, in a circle. And since Alyssa has gotten the privilege of being
very quiet over there, I want her to say the first Orochimaru fact that she knows for sure that is absolutely true about him.
Alyssa: Okay…
Alena: Absolutely true facts about Orochimaru, we haven’t watched Naruto in a year, and before that, I don’t think-- We haven’t even finished Naruto--
Sarah: Oh my god-- We haven’t finished Naruto. We gotta get on that shit.
Alyssa: Um… so, I guess I'll start us off with the fact that-- I do know for a fact that in one of the openings for Naruto-- I can't remember which one-- he is posed like Jesus, so...
Sarah: Was that him or was that [CENSORED]?
Alyssa: I’m pretty sure that was Orochimaru.
Alena: I thought that was Kakashi? [wheeze]
Sarah: [bursts into roaring laughter]
Alena: [laughing] Remember in the opening-- cause there was the whole Kakashi-Jesus parallel with um--
Alyssa: WHAT
Alena: With Itachi…
Sarah: No-- Alena I know what you are referencing, and that is the episode where Kakashi gets sealed inside of Itachi’s Mangekyou Sharingan. And then there the whole the whole Jesus--
Alena: I do remember that-- But I’m pretty sure that was in an opening at some point too.
Sarah: I don't think it was? I think Alyssa is referencing-- Shippuden Opening One or Two--
Alyssa: I think that's right--
Sarah: And the more I think about it I’m seeing it in my brain, I’m visualizing the first time I saw
this--
Alyssa: It’s like a cross-- The cross is snakes--
Sarah: Yes. And it is…
Alena: Oh, the cross is snakes...
Sarah: The cross is snakes. I feel like-- yeah, I think you’re right, that is Orochimaru. I wonder
why they decided to do that…
Alena: The style and flair.
Alyssa:Yeah um, I dunno why they decided to do that, but it's there. It exists. And that’s what I
know about Orochimaru [wheeze]
Sarah: That’s a great point.
Alena: So what we learned so far, our points: Orochimaru is Jesus-- very good, um…
Sarah, Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: That is a fact, we’re adding it to the fact log. Uh, Sarah you go ahead.
Sarah: Um, my fact about Orochimaru is um-- I will draw an important quote from uhh… classic literature here.
Alyssa: [wheeze]
Sarah: You know, the classic movie-- not literature, it was a classic film-- um, the classic film
called uhh Megamind.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: In which the difference between the--
Alena: Speilberg directed that one, actually
Sarah: Yeah, Spielberg directed that one, it was--
Alena: Under a pseudonym, but a lot of people don’t know he did Megamind.
Sarah: Uh-- Alena? Um. Here’s the thing.
Alena: Yes?
Sarah: The reason why you saying that is so fucked up is because Megamind was actually
directed by a big name director, and do you know who that director is?
Alena: Please tell me.
Sarah: It’s Guillermo del Toro you dumb bitch!
Alena: [laughing]
Alyssa: NO WAY
Sarah: [sobbing laughter] THAT'S why it’s LIKE that! Am I wrong--
Alena: [also sobbing] Here's the thing Sarah, I did not know that-- was not aware of that one!
Alyssa: [lost to laughing in the background]
Sarah: I’m looking it up right now to make sure I’m not say bullshit to you, but that is why
Megamind is good.
Alena: Well yeah, okay-- so--
Sarah: --because Guillermo del Toro made it--
Alyssa: Good Lord…
Sarah: NO-- HEY. I just FUCKING lied to you, and I should go to hell--
Alena: Well I was thinking that it sounded a little odd--
Sarah: [wildly laughing]
Alyssa: SARAH WHO WAS IT--
Sarah: This might be funnier than that fact that-- no, it was just some dude, it wasn’t Guillermo
del Toro. Why did I think it was Guillermo del Toro??
Alena: [laughing] Why did you think it was Guillermo del Toro?
Sarah: [wheezing] I DON’T KNOW-- I’M GONNA-- I WANT TO BURY MYSELF ALIVE--
Alena: My favorite part of Pan’s Labyrinth is when Megamind shows up dressed as Metroman
Sarah: [out of breath] Okay-- Here’s the thing--
Alyssa: Okay--
Sarah: I think this might be my Fraggle Rock
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: This is my Fraggle Rock, because, um-- whats gonna fuck me up for the rest of my life is
that Megamind was not: 1) Of course, done by Guillermo del Toro, I’m just stupid. It was done by the same guy who did Boss Baby, and I think that means I go to hell.
Alyssa: Oh my God--
Sarah: I think I go to hell!
Alena: Listen. We’re gonna list his big hits. Pan’s Labyrinth--
Alyssa: What--
Alena: [laughing] We have um--
Alyssa: Wait no, we’re getting off track here, though--
Sarah: Wait no-- the tangent is funny, this is a good fucking track [laughing] hold on--
Alena: Guillermo del Toro’s Megamind--
All: [laughing]
Sarah: Okay, no, we gotta get off this. I’m self-flagellating
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: Back to my fact about Megamind. I was quoting a classic piece of film which is
Megamind, which-- no matter who directed it-- it was good. It doesn’t matter. But the difference between a villain and a super villain is?
All: Presentation.
Alena: Presentation! Of course, you’re so right--
Sarah: And Orochimaru has excellent presentation. Like, the stylings of his face. Um, his awful
moves that he does--
Alena: His face, which is subject to change-- but only a little bit--
Sarah: Only a little bit. The force of movement he uses where he kind of just does spooky things to freak somebody out? Also very good. The fact that he lives in a weird basement in the middle of the woods rather than like, a building like a normal person, and the fact that the entire thing-- despite being run with electricity or some shit like that-- is solely lit by hundred of candles.
Alyssa: It’s presentation!
Alena: There’s a Phantom of the Opera-esque vibe to him that um… so like imagine if the
Phantom of the Opera… okay, so like, is basically the same. But no opera. Um, the Phantom
part is questionable, but… there are bowels? And there are snakes. And there are candles. So
basically the same-- that’s Orochimaru.
Sarah: Wait… where did the snakes come in… in Phantom of the Opera?
Alyssa: There were no snakes in Phantom of the Opera.
Alena: There were no snakes in Phantom of the Opera, but there are snakes… inside
Orochimaru. [struggling] Um…. Um… now...
Sarah: I want you to know I'm enraptured by this word painting that you’re picturing.
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah, like you’re talking about my fact so much that I don’t have to talk about my fact,
and its fucking great, cause I think we’re on the same page--
Alena: Well yeah, cause here’s the thing I really wanna--
Sarah: It’s about presentation--
Alena: --explore… I think I wanna explore the… I wanna talk a little bit more about Orochimaru and the Phantom of the Opera parallels.
Sarah: Okay yeah that’s good, that’s good, that's good.
Alena: Literarily and cinematically… so we already said candles. Um, no singing, no opera
house--
Alyssa: Are you sure Orochimaru doesn't sing opera in his house?
Alena: ...we’re not in France anymore...
Sarah: [gasp]
Alena: --- but there are lots of candles and we are in the bowels of-- not really a building, but the bowels of the Earth.
Sarah: Now you forget-- Alena, whenever he shows up spooky organ music does start playing.
Alena: [urgently] This is correct, this is correct. Um-- and also there was the one-- I distinctly
remember towards the end of the original series there was the Naruto musical arc in which
Orochimaru did have an entire episode dedicated to his musical career. Um, it was very brief
and it happened shortly before the war in the Village Hidden in the… Rain?? Or whatever the
fuck--
Sarah: Alena? This description has actually made me start to break out in a cold sweat.
Because it sounds like it should be true, but I…
Alena: Mhmm, yeah?
Sarah: I don’t think I wanna say it's not true… cause I want it to be.
Alena: Mhmm.
Sarah: So badly, like I want a musical arc. Where the fuck is it?
Alena: Yeah I … [wheezing]
Sarah: Hey, Kishimoto, what the fuck is up?
Alena: Kishimoto where’s our musical arc?
Sarah: Where’s our fucking musical arc?
Alena: I know we’re on Baruto already but can we maybe ret-con the first series to add a
musical arc?
Sarah: I think we can ret-con it, I mean they.. Yeah, I think, seeing as most of the--
Alena: We can ret-con for a musical arc.
Sarah: I think we can replace the entire fourth season of the original series with a musical arc… um, it does happen in--
Alyssa: [singing] Put that thing back where it came from or so help meee--
All: [singing] Bum bum bum--
Sarah: It does have an incredible amount of influence from-- like specifically Newsies, and we’re not really sure why.
Alena: Yeah. We’re not sure why, but it was definitely uh… it was definitely-- well, cause here’s
the thing: The whole season, we have to bring in new directing talent, right? So what I’m thinking… is we do pull a Megamind and have Steven Spielberg directing under Guillermo del
Toro's name.
Sarah: Yeah, under Guillermo del Toro’s name, which--
Alyssa: [wheezing]
Alena: Yeah, it’s gonna be Guillermo del Toro’s Naruto. And listen? Honestly I think that
Orochimaru is right up his alley.
Sarah: Listen-- what you are proposing I would actually watch the shit out of.
Alena: [laughing] Exactly.
Sarah: Actually this sounds really, really good. Like I would love to watch a Naruto directed by
Guillermo del Toro-- [laughing]
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: I would love to watch a video of, like, a dog shitting by Guillermo del Toro. I just think he’s neat.
Alena: You know, funny you mention that? But that’s due to come out three years from now, so be on the lookout for that one--
Sarah: Yon’t you mean-- I’m sorry Alena-- don’t you mean uhh “doodoo” to come out?
All: [measured silence]
Alyssa: HAH--
Alena: Uh-huh? That one’s really good, Sarah, that’s a funny one.
Sarah: I said a ridiculous amount of unfunny things so far, and I think that one really, really tops my chart.
Alena: Really tops your chart… so yeah okay, to recap: Um, Orochimaru-Jesus parallel…
confirmed absolutely, the snakes are the cross. You have the first sin: Adam and Eve, snake
and the apple, parallel with the Orochimaru-Jesus on the snake-cross. We have the Phantom of the Opera angle which I think is really important when we’re talking about presentation and future possibilities for-- kind of-- where Orochimaru is going as a character, especially in the original series (which has concluded), but I don't think that for what we’re talking about it's really all that important.
Sarah: Oh absolutely not.
Alena: So yeah, um, presentation is everything… I'm trying to think about-- what do know about Orochimaru? As a man. As a hero. As a lover...
Sarah: [worried] Oh-- a-as a lover?
Alena: [wheezing]
Alyssa: [sounds of protest]
Sarah: Here’s the thing-- I think we should explicitly stay away from that topic, because--
Alena: I think we have to because otherwise--
Sarah: Otherwise I think--
Alena: Bad… bad things will come, I think we’ll get sued very quickly.
Alyssa: I think snakes will literally start manifesting in our homes.
Sarah: Ohh yeah, snakes have started manifesting in my home just at the thought.
Alena: Yeah, um--
Sarah: Now-- we are gonna save any explicit content I think, for when we get to talk about
Kakashi, because it--
Alena: Save it for the patreon. [laughing]
Sarah: Yeah save it for the patreon, explicitly the episode where I talk about being--
Alena: In our special adult episode where Sarah and I start talking about Kisame--
Sarah: Mhmm, mhmm--
Alena: And then we get sued.
Sarah: Uh huh, Kishimoto breaks in my door, and hes like, “If you make one more comment
about this fucking man I wrote, I'm going to squeeze all the life out of your little body.” And then I do get into a fight with him on my doorstep because I'm stronger than that man and I know it. And I will win.
Alena: You’re stronger than him, you beat him, and then you become Kishimoto. You become
the next one, and you have to continue on the legacy.
Sarah: Oh, God…
Alena: Just like in Naruto.
Sarah: Just like in Naruto.
Alena: Just like in Naruto, how it's like really a continuation and there have been many Narutos. That lil blonde bitch is just the most recent iteration. Um, I'm pretty sure I'm not thinking of another anime, I’m pretty sure this is Naruto.
Alyssa: Are you sure you’re not--
Alena: Hmmm?
Alyssa: That's a legit a thing in Legend of Zelda?
Sarah: Um, I really thought that… wait…?
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: This… is Doctor Who. You’re-- what?
Alyssa: They’re also-- yeah, they’re also in Doctor Who.
Alena: Yeah.
Sarah: Well, I mean I think…
Alena: Well here’s the thing, Doctor Who was the first anime to do it--
Alyssa: [wheeze]
Alena: And then I'm pretty sure that it went Legend of Zelda, and then Naruto.
Sarah: Yeah, I think you’re right. All anime goes back to Doctor Who--
Alyssa: Well yeah, Doctor Who did start in like the fifties, so--
Sarah: Yeah, so did anime?
Alena: Yeah like I said, it was the first anime to do it.
Alyssa: Yeah no you’re right, Legend of Zelda would have come out in maybe the eighties?
Nineties?
Sarah: Mhmm
Alena: Yeah, which is why it’s the second anime to do it.
Sarah: It's the second anime to do it.
Alyssa: Exactly, you’re right, you’re right.
All: [laughing]
Alena: And then Naruto which was the big-- I dunno, late 90s through most of the 2000s. That
was the third anime to do it. There’s only three animes-- Doctor Who, Legend of Zelda and
Naruto.
Sarah: God, I can’t wait to get comments and responses.
Alena: It’s really good.
Sarah: It’s really good. All anime is such a good genre, because there’s only three things in it.
Alena: There’s only three things, it's all either Doctor Who, Legend of Zelda or Naruto, and
those are the only three.
Sarah: Yeah, that's the only three.
Alena: And all things can fit into those categories. Um, so okay. I’m sure that at some point I
knew a fact about Orochimaru, but really when you get down to it, the Jesus fact, and then the
Phantom of the Opera/ Megamind fact, that really sums most of it up. I will say though… um, I
think that one thing that’s pretty unique to Orochimaru as a character-- because, you know, I’ve watched a lot of anime and a lot of things that aren’t anime. And one thing that I’ve never seen anyone do anywhere else other than specifically with Orochimaru is the concept of curses. So I think I’d like to talk a little bit more about the fact that he can curse people.
Sarah: I want-- yeah, I wanna hear your analysis on this--
Alena: So, as we all know, as seen by-- God, I think I remember when this happened. It was at
the end of the Chunin Exam arc, right before the [CENSORED] retrieval arc when [CENSORED] done got bit?
Alyssa: Yes!
Sarah: Yeah, that’s why they had the sa--
Alena: I can’t believe I-- yeah the Sas--
Sarah: Yeah no-no-no-no, it was during the Chunin Exams arc. Cause he gets bit in the woods
and starts goin’ apeshit.
Alena: Mhmm. So like little known fact about the Chunin Exams-- and this is actually if you look into the original Naruto series datamine you can find out that this was written in and for a lot of plot reasons it had to be kind of changed, but it is stated in the Chunin Exams. Part of it is like, one student out of every class will just get bit. And that's just like a fun little spicy thing that’s not that rare and I thought it was kind of weird how they played it up as being this big exceptional thing when [CENSORED] y’know, done got bit, when you know, like I said it really quite common.
Sarah: Yeah, like it happens every fucking year--
Alena: Orochimaru--
Sarah: It’s like the flu, it happens every year--
Alena: Yeah it happens every year!
Sarah: -- you don’t need to get your curse mark vaccine.
Alyssa: Who is the other one that we know has it? Its um…
Sarah: It's uhh Anko. Anko has one.
Alyssa: Anko, that’s right
Sarah: Anko has it-- and she was a proctor, too.
Alena: Many people have it. The whole thing with like, Orochimaru being a disgrace and being
exiled from the village and being like, this big villain… it was kind of more of a publicity stunt so that-- for when the one designated child got attacked by a crazy snakeman it would seem a little bit more legitimate than just… ya know, something chill that happens every year.
Sarah: Yeah.
Alena: It really is to kind of play up the drama of it-- which I do understand, but I feel like there
probably should have been some sort of disclosure form for the Chunin Exams.
Sarah: Oh yeah-- no, there was, it’s just none of these kids can fuckin read.
Alyssa: You think Naruto Uzumaki would read a waver?
Sarah: Well, he wasn’t the one who got bit--
Alena: No, none of them would read, but at least there would be some sort of legal account of it. Then again, hidden villages aren't really the most--
Alyssa: It’s the terms and conditions, nobody reads that shit!
Sarah: Okay, the other thing-- you know what else is really fucked up about the curse marks?
Alena: Mhmm?
Alyssa: Sure.
Sarah: You know before they could get everything on air, all the curse marks actually used to
look like the little Chuck E. Cheese hand-stamp things from the early 2000s.
Alyssa: [wheeze]
Sarah: But because of copyright reasons they had to change all of them to random symbology
bullshit--
Alena: Now listen, the reason-- again, this is something that I found in the datamine-- you think that they had done that without the chuck e cheese permission, but actually it was part of a promotional deal with Chuck E. Cheese and the Naruto franchise that was gonna go down in like 2002, and it actually ended up falling apart and that's why they had to change it.
Sarah: Yeah, they were gonna have to get rid of all the big Orochimaru costumes, he was gonna be part of the band…
Alena: Yeah, they had to get rid of the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic arc, which probably, you
know, lost about five animators’ jobs. And they had to do some major pay cuts because that
entire arc had to be scrapped. But after-- you know, all of the Chuck E. Cheese re-designing
and material scrapping that went on we are left with maybe five major ways of the
[CENSORED] retrieval arc curse marks and what they did. So maybe we could go through
those and see if we can do just a little review of what those were. So, of course we know
[CENSORED]’s, which gave you the ability to have a lot of hands on your back? It also turned
you grey…
Sarah: You also get… oh my god… it’s just a really bad Homestuck cosplay.
Alena: It is, but um--
Sarah: But it’s like--
Alena: Yeah?
Sarah: I think we can’t say that because maybe…
Alyssa: Maybe Homestuck… is full of really bad Naruto cosplays.
Sarah: That's actually a really, really fair point, and as someone who read Homestuck it’s
absolutely true.
Alena: Yeah…
Sarah: Yeah that’s all Homestuck is.
Alena: Mhmm, so.. Yeah, there is the one that is the Homestuck curse… there’s the one that
Anko has, that I can’t remember so it’s probably not that important um-- [laughing]
Alyssa: [laughing] Jesus Christ.
Alena: There’s the one that… doesn’t it make, like, a big dirt house? That you can trap people
in?
Sarah: Yeah, it's a big dirt house
Alena: Yeah, the big dirt house--
Sarah: So that’s the Bear in the Big Blue House mark.
Alena: That’s the Bear in the Big Blue House curse mark
Alyssa: [laughing] We’re gonna get booed off the--
Sarah: I mean-- we can reference it for parody and that is what we’re doing, it is fine.
Alena: Yeah
Sarah: I can say--
Alyssa: No, I'm just saying that our listeners are going to kill us.
Sarah: Yeahh, uh I can imagine any kind of communication we get in response to this is gonna
be really fucking bad, so--
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Yeah, it’s gonna be brutal and we are going to be tarred and feathered in the streets. And I’m okay with that. So yeah, we got bear in the Big Blue House mark, we got Homestuck mark, we got whatever the fuck Anko’s did. Now what about the two-headed man-- the two-headed bastard--
Sarah: Oh-- Sakon and Ukon, right?
Alena: Yeah. They turned into, like, a big monster thing. And then they got peed on by uh…
Kiba’s dog.
Sarah: Oh my God they did get peed on...
Alena: They got peed on.
Sarah: Like-- just canonically they got peed on--
Alena: So this is the one that makes dogs pee on you.
Alyssa: God I forgot that-- okay we gotta save that for the Kiba episode.
Sarah: Yeah we gotta talk about pee in the Kiba episode. Pee-ba if you will.
Alena: Yeah the Kiba episode’s gonna be very pee-centric, and I think that’s gonna be a little bit risky, but you know we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. So Sakon and Ukon-- they for sure-- that’s the mark that makes dogs pee on you.
Sarah: Yeah… What about the flute girl? Tayuya?
Alena: That was the one that made you like, super good at marching band.
Sarah: Oh yeah-- no, look at her, she--
Alena: When you think about it her’s was the only one really worth having. Cause when you look at the other options, I mean…
Sarah: Dog pee…
Alena: What’s the point? You got dog pee--
Sarah: Dirt house…
Alena: [laughing] Dog pee, dirt house, Homestuck, and then marching band.
Sarah: Marching band-- and yeah, I think out of all those, marching band is the best option. Now you are forgetting one more--
Alena: Sure.
Sarah: There is another one and it is the bones guy. It’s Kimimaro.
Alena: Oh-- bones guy-- okay, so here’s the thing--
Sarah: Just gives you osteoporosis--
Alena: Kimimaro-- that one gives you Osteoporosis. Um, it is the coolest of the marks, I will say, but it does just give you osteoporosis.
Sarah: You remember when he turned into that big fucked up dinosaur thing?
Alena: I do, yeah. That was um--
Sarah: We have unlocked, actually, another piece of lore that I love talking about. So you you
remember that one filler episode, where um--
Alena: The one-- well everybody knows there’s only the one--
Sarah: Yeah the one filler.
Alena: So that one-- cause well, Naruto is so very heavily in like-- it’s so fast paced, and every
episode they’re bringing in new plot points and like really moving the story along. So when
people talk about the Naruto filler episode we all know which one we’re talking about.
Sarah: Yeah, we all know the one. You know cause there’s only one. Um, so it’s that one where
the guy from the first episode, Mizuki, makes a comeback-- I think his name’s Mizuki.
Alena: Ohh, right--
Sarah: Yeah, and he makes an artificial curse mark… and then turns into Tony the Tiger.
Alena: Oh I do remember that one! He did turn into Tony the Tiger--
Alyssa: WHAT--
Sarah: YEAH, DEADASS-- Is the curse mark that turns you into Tony the Tiger.
Alyssa: Jesus--
Sarah: Do you want me to pull up a crispy little .jpg of him for you, just to prove to you that this
was a thing?
Alyssa: Sure?? Go ahead?
Sarah: I’ll post it. I’ll send it to you for your reaction. Um…
Alyssa: Um, in the meantime, I think we should point out that all the curse marks are actually the same, in all seriousness, right?
Sarah: No--
Alyssa: It’s just the one curse mark.
Sarah: I don't know? I think they’re different.
Alyssa: I thought Anko--
Alena: Wait in the way they look? Or the way they work?
Sarah: Yeah, like there’s a couple different ones, but I don’t think everyone has--
Alyssa: Like the only one specific to Orochimaru, though.
Alena: Like when they-- [sees image posted] ah, there he is huh, that is Naruto Tony the Tiger.
Alyssa: God that is Tony the Tiger, Oh my god.
Sarah: Yeah he just turned into Tony the Tiger.
Alyssa: But yeah, there is only one curse mark specific to Orochimaru.
Alena: And which one is that?
Alyssa: Ummm. The one that makes [CENSORED] a bitch.
Sarah: [CACKLING LOUDLY]
Alena: Oh yeah! [laughing]
Sarah: Man, I was waiting on the edge of my seat for that one--
Alena: We are absolute fools, we should have remembered that that one is the most important curse mark. Now listen. I don’t wanna split hairs, because you’re my friend and I love you very dearly. I think it’s a little funny that you would imply that there is not something inherent within [CENSORED]’s personality--
Alyssa: [wheeze]
Alena:-- that condones that.
Alyssa: Hey, but listen, he--
Alena: However--
Sarah: Here's the thing-- as a kid, he was not that bad. It was something that happened there.
Alena: Not as bad, but--
Alyssa: He got a lot worse, yeah. He got a lot worse once Orochimaru got his fingers in him.
Sarah: I mean, okay, someone is so gonna “@” me and be like, “Uhh, well it's because he was
traumatized” and it's like…
Alyssa: Well so was Naruto!
Sarah: So was Naruto!.. Hold on.
Alena: Here’s the thing-- we gotta save-- we gotta save that one.
Sarah: We gotta save that one, we started talking about-- guys we broke our rule.
Alena: We gotta save that can of worms…
Sarah: We started talking about [CENSORED].
Alena: We started talking about [CENSORED] again. Okay, back on Orochimaru.
Alyssa: Sorry.
Alena: Back on Orochimaru.
Alyssa: It was worth it for the burn.
Sarah: It was worth it for the burn.
Alena: Worth it for the burn-- um, I will say-- and this is something that I think everyone can
agree on: Orochimaru does fit the villain turned, like, weird uncle archetype of like-- like you
think that this dude’s gonna be a really big problem. And for a good while he is a pretty big
problem, but then when you get to Boruto he just kind of runs the PTA I think.
Sarah: I think-- I haven’t watched Baruto but i’m pretty sure--
Alena: Oh yeah me neither-- I haven’t watched Baruto, but Orochimaru has a kid, and that kid
seems fine, so...
Sarah: Yeah the kid seems super well adjusted, I think that the biggest Orochimaru-based
conflict in Baruto is like the one time that he brought some baked ziti to the PTA meeting and
people didn’t compliment it enough. And he made a really big stink about it.
Alena: Mhmm
Sarah: Yeah, and it was kinda bad, but then again he spent like eight hours on that ziti.
Alena: He spent eight hours on that ziti, and everyone else was trying to compliment, like uhh
Karen’s green bean casserole when everyone knows she just bought the box of lipton onion
soup and went to town, so I think that he has every right in that case. And I do know that-- like I haven’t watched Baruto, but I do know that that plays a pretty big role after the little Chunin
Exam arc where Baruto is banished in kind of a dramatic pride rock sequence where Naruto
disowns him in front of the whole village, which I guess is a discussion for another day--
Alyssa: Wait is that-- that actually happened?
Sarah: Yeah that actually kinda happened.
Alena: Yeah no, that actually did happen.
Alyssa: No way…
Alena: Yeah, but um..
Alyssa: Naruto…
Sarah: Naruto… yeah we gotta get on that another time.
Alena: But-- so I think that the Orochimaru PTA arc juxtaposed directly after that really kind of helps reset the mood and makes things not as somber, because things did get pretty dark there for a little bit, but then, you know… things ended up being okay because Orochimaru’s here with the baked ziti and, um…
Sarah: He brings everyone together.
Alena: He brings everyone together-- listen, love him or hate him he brings everyone together.
Sarah: He brings everyone together!
All: [agreeing]
Alyssa: Listen, Orochimaru’s a PTA mom.
Sarah: He is a PTA mom!
Alena: He is a PTA mom-- he will make sure that you pay your dues…
Alyssa: Yeah.
Alena: ... either in cash or blood.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Sarah: Oh it’s gonna be blood, baby.
Alyssa: Yeah.
Alena: It’s gonna be blood.
Alyssa: I don’t know if you get a choice in that.
Alena: [laughing]
Sarah: Yeah no we definitely don’t… how long… How long have we been going on this one?
Alyssa: Um… we’ve been-- we did--
Alena: Like almost forty five minutes or so. Like we got on a little bit after-- shit--
Alyssa: When did we start this? I don’t remember.
Alena: One second, um…
Sarah: Also we can-- we can cut this discussion later.
Alena: We’ve been going-- yeah, we’ve been going since 6:12, we’ve been going for like 45
minutes.
Sarah: I think that is podcast length, but we should enter a wrap-up--
Alena: Cause we don’t want to make it too long and we will cut a little bit--
Sarah: Yeah-- what’s our wrap-up?
Alena: Okay, so. Wrap-up. Things that we’ve learned and remembered very accurately about
Orochimaru today.
Sarah: Baked ziti. He makes a mean baked ziti.
Alena: Ziti-- mean baked ziti, is Jesus…
Sarah: Is Jesus.
Alena: Could be Phantom of the Opera.
Alyssa: Is definitely Phantom of the Opera.
Alena & Sarah: Is definitely Phantom of the Opera.
Alena: Um, only one good curse that makes you really good at the flute, everything else kinda
sucks.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Lil bit slippery… lil bit sticky.
Sarah: Lil bit sticky, but not--
Alena: Full of goo, full of love.
Sarah: Aren’t we all?
Alyssa: Full of snakes.
Sarah: Over all?
Alena: Outta time
Sarah: I think we can summarize him as the person that we should all try to be to ourselves.
Um, and that is: self-worshipping, and well-moisturized. Self-worshipping and well-moisturized.
Alena: Yeah. I think is we all put a little bit of that Orochimaru energy-- that Orochimaru little
goodness, and badness-- in our hearts, I think-- I think that everyone would be a little truer to
themselves and I think that everyone would be in a little bit of a better place.
Sarah: That sounds great, you’re absolutely right.
Alyssa: Absolutely
Sarah: And I think that to, um--
Alena: Right on brother
Sarah: Right on brother. I think that now we’re all nodding our heads to each other in solemn
agreement, we have full summarized this man I think that anybody who listened to this episode would know everything they need to know about Orochimaru--
Alena: I agree--
Sarah: -- So much to the point--
Alena: A crash-course in Orochimaru.
Sarah: Yeah.
Alena: I think that’s all that you really need to know about him. Um… also, really I can’t imagine what else you would want to know about him, cause we’ve done such a good job of summing him up--
Sarah: Exactly-- you don’t even have to watch the original series at this point.
Alyssa: Right?
Alena: And here’s the thing, I think that is looking forward to the future of what we do here on Til Death Do Us Nart. I think that that is what our aim should be, is that of course we encourage you to support the media that they enjoy, but… you don’t really have to watch Naruto.
Sarah: No, you don't
Alena: ...If you listen to us. Cause I mean I’m not-- I’m just saying.
Sarah: Yeah--
Alena: We got you
Sarah: You can, but like imagine the time we’re saving you.
Alena: You can, but really you’re just gonna be--
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Naruto’s just gonna be supplemental material to what we’re talking about here [laughter].
Sarah: [laughing] Exactly. Every once in a while, we’ll give you an episode, you’ll watch that, and be like, “Oh ok, I can understand Til Death Do Us Nart now-- there’s no reason to watch the rest of this.”
Alyssa: Exactly!
Alena: [wheezing]
Sarah: Okay, I feel, um, like we can end our finished note on deciding which character we
discuss next time.
Alena: Oh god, that’s very good.
Sarah: We can all meditate a little bit and come back with--
Alena: We can all meditate a little bit for next week, but-- cause I know, for this week, that didn't happen. Well-- it did, but like not in a professional sense um--
Alyssa: Um-- bold of you to assume that's ever going to happen?
Alena: That’s true, but at least we’ll know. So… I will say, we should probably save, like, some of
the bigger ones for a little bit further down the road and we may have to split them up into
multiple--
Alyssa: Yeah, let’s not burn through all our faves.
Alena: So.. Who fits into like, a similar status of like, Orochimaru-level without getting too close into like--
Alyssa: Jiraiya.
Alena: Cause I know we shouldn’t just off-the-bat do Naruto--
Sarah: Jiraiya-- yeah I also agree it's Jiraiya.
Alena: Let’s actually-- yes you’re right, let’s do the three Sannin, so next time it's Jiraiya. And
then we can do Tsunade.
Sarah: We will do a very respectful episode of Tsunade, Jiraiya will not be given the same
treatment.
Alyssa: [laughing]
Alena: Jiraiya will not be given the same treatment.
Sarah: I hope you’re all prepared for that.
Alyssa: Just so all of the listeners are clear on how this is going to go down.
Sarah: Yeah, just so you guys all know how this is going to be handled, and what you should
also be meditating on.
Alyssa: Alright.
Alena: Sounds good.
End Message: Til Death Do Us Nart is a 103Ghouls Production podcast. It is created and
produced by three women who are completely off their rocks. Theme song is “Drunk Punch
Man” by Bullmoose. Find it and other songs by Bullmoose on spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. To support the show, consider donating to our Patreon which can be found in the show notes. If you can’t, believe me, we understand. Please consider subscribing to us on Youtube, sharing
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support. Oh, and one more thing: Thanks for listening.
[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]