Suigetsu

He's the biggest pain in S****** ass. He loves his teammates. ...And he may or may not be Kisame's son??? Its Suigetsu time fellas!

A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!

Transcript can be found here: https://tildeathdousnart.buzzsprout.com/

A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!

If you enjoyed the show please consider donating to our Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/tddun

Transcript

Alyssa (Intro): Seriousness and children should be left at the door. Very little of what our hosts are about to say is factual but will be crass. This is… Til Death Do Us Nart.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]

Sarah: I mean that’s fair. But it’s funny. Um, okay. So circling back around, as is tradition, Alyssa. Since you wanna say things and be funny--

Alena: Go ahead and make us the money. Say something about Suigetsu, little clown.

Sarah: Say-- what? Yeah, tell us a Suigetsu fact.

Alyssa: [laughing] I enjoy that he is the biggest pain in [CENSORED]’s ass.

Sarah: Absolutely correct.

Alyssa: Ever.

Sarah: Now, you know, we’re treading on spooky territory right now. Because if we’re going to consistently bring up.. You know, [CENSORED]... we’re gonna suddenly lose a lot of content as usual. [laughing] However, you’re right--

Alena: Here’s the thing, as in most instances in which he appears in Naruto, you can remove [CENSORED] from the conversation and almost nothing changes.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Absolutely correct. Forgive me, I was so wrong.

Alena: Fool that you are.

Sarah: Fool that I am.

Alena: We’ve been avoiding it now for several, several weeks. We can get around it. So--

Sarah: Doesn’t he like, kinda hate [CENSORED]? Like he thinks [CENSORED] sucks a lot.

Alena: Oh he does, and he’s right. Because Suigetsu was teamed up with our good boy Jugo and and um--

Alyssa: Karin--

Alena: And Karin, who’s just… absolute bitch. I love her to death. I would die for her, she would not do the same for me and I respect that. So he had his little team, and then Mr. Sad Pants rolls up and he’s like, “[deep sigh] Well I guess… we’re doing this then.” 

Sarah: Hey--

Alena: And Team Taka was like--

Sarah: “I mean I guess…”

Alena: “Alright…”

Sarah: “Alright I guess…”

Alena: “We’re not getting paid this time either, are we?” and [CENSORED]’s like, “HaHa! No, I don’t have any money or a job.”

Sarah: Because… like--

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: Because here’s the thing, imagine you’re Suigetsu-- I don’t remember enough about this part of Naruto to really tell you a whole lot about how Suigetsu get it, but--

Alena: I actually-- I actually do know this--

Sarah: --[CENSORED] goes to Orochimaru’s basement and gets him out of a fuckin’ tank. He’s like, “Hey you work for me now.”  And Suigetsu’s like, “Uhhh. You got any games on your phone? I guess?”

Alena: “You got any games on your phone?” And he goes, “No.” And Suigetsu goes, “What else ya got?”

Sarah: What else ya got?

Alyssa & Sarah: Ya got any stamps? What else ya got?

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: So-- cause I know a little bit about Suigetsu because I love him very much. And he and his brother, Mangetsu… Who is dead, they were like little dream team boys and I do know that they were like… They were like aw man, these brothers are so cool. They’re gonna be the spiritual successors to Zabuza. Even though Zabuza was still alive when they were alive. But whatever. It was symbolic.

Alyssa: No? Zabuza didn’t last that long. 

Alena: Zabuza was still alive when Naruto was alive, because they fought each other. It was the first big shit that happened in Naruto.

Alyssa: Well yeah but he doesn’t last that long in the show.

Alena: Because-- Because Suigetsu--

Sarah: --is around Naruto’s age.

Alena: He is around Naruto’s age, and he is described as being an incarnation of the same incarnation that Zabuza is? Is a whole thing. The point is--

Alyssa: That’s-- why he ends up with Zabuza’s sword--

Alena: And eventually-- yeah, he ends up with Zabuza’s sword, and it's a whole big thing. It’s important. But we’re not here to talk about important things, we’re here to talk about-- Zabuza-- after his brother died… I think, actually at that point he makes the conscious choice to be the biggest pin in the ass to everyone he meets that he can possibly be, and I respect that. Because when his brother died, he was like, “Well. I can’t remember what we were doing before. But now? Fuck getting one sword,  I’m gonna take all seven. And then I’m gonna start my own club.”

Sarah: And actually you know what, I think that’s a really good plan, dude, like he has more of a plan than anyone else in Naruto if we’re really being honest 

Alena: Here’s the thing, we don’t give Suigetsu enough credit for the fact that at least he had a plan. When does that happen?

Sarah: He had a plan, he had ideas. And honestly, those ideas were realistic. I mean have you seen the state of organization in the Mist Village? Nobody knows where those damn swords are, he could probably just go and find it on the ground. You know, like he did with Zabuza’s sword in the comics?

Alyssa: Yeah.

Alena: Yeah.

Alyssa: I was about to say, isn’t that actually how he found it--

Sarah: Yeah! He found it on Zabuza’s grave. In the anime there’s like, a whole arc where he has to steal it back from somebody or whatever, but in the manga he just picks it up off Zabuza’s grave, cause it’s just been laying there.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena:  He's like, “You-- you left it outside?? Where there’s birds???”

Sarah: “Where there’s birds??” [laughing] Cause you know, birds are like the greatest danger to swords you can imagine.

Alena: They;re poop is fuckin’ corrosive.

Sarah: Yeah, honestly. 

Alyssa: Yeah.

Alena: It’s bad for weapons.

Sarah: Swords and cars are a lot alike in that way.

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: My other car is a sword. I tell people that all the time.

Alena: Zabuza rolls us-- Sorry, Suigetsu rolls up in Zabuza’s old Jeep Grand Cherokee with seven letter openers in his hand and he’s like, “Get in. We’re starting a drama club.”

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Fuck yeah, we are! Fuck yeah we are.

Alyssa: That’s Jugo’s response.

Sarah: Jugo’s like the only other member in the drama club, and it;s the only reason Suigetsu can have a drama club. Because there’s at least one other person there. 

Alyssa: Jugo just support his boy--

Alena: Jugo’s his buddy, so he comes along for the shenanigans. I can;t remember if they take Karin because she wants to go, or if Karin’s like, “I hate you, you’re stupid, you’re gonna die, but I hate Orochimaru a little but more, so count me in.” I feel like it’s the latter.

Sarah: Yeah it’s the latter.

Alyssa: Doesn’t Karin have a big  ol crush on [CENSORED]

Sarah: She does. She does.

Alena: Yeah…

Sarah: Yeah she does… And sadly, cause you know, Kishimoto can’t write women who aren’t inherently motivated by men, that is sadly her motivation. But also, Karin has other things going on, but honestly I would rather give Karin her own little episode, cause I have a lot to say on her.

Alena: Oh yeah. She will get one.

Alyssa: Oh, yeah absolutely, she’s our next episode.

Sarah: She’s great. I can’t wait to talk about Karin cause she’s our-- she’s a lot of fun. Um. I have a Suigetsu fact. It’s technically two, but it makes me really happy, can I share it?

Alena: Suigetsu.

Sarah: Okay, so. We all know Suigetsu has a funky little body that he can reshape at will, it’s a lot like water--

Alena: I, too, have a funky little body.

Sarah: Are we not all just people who possess funky little bodies?

Alena: Who doesn’t have a funky little body?

Sarah: -- and he can reshape at will. He-- is very dependent on water, he’s a little water boy. But the consequence of this body is apparently when he is unconscious he reverts to a jelly-like state.

Alena: Now unconscious as in punched-out, lights out, injured unconscious, or like every time he goes to sleep it has to be in a bucket?

Sarah: Now, I am left to assume that it is like lights-out injured unconscious. But, with what I know about the human body, there is really very little difference between that and being unconscious when you are asleep, so i think he turns-- he has to sleep in a bucket.

Alena: Exactly. 

Sarah: Do we see him sleep in a bed?

Alena: Suigetsu sleeps in a bucket-- I don’t think we do, and you know what? When we first meet Suigetsu what is he in??

Sarah: A tank!

Alena: So all I’m saying is--

Sarah: Lil tank boy!

Alena: All I’m saying-- all I’m saying is that if this were Sky High he would be the kid who can melt at will, ya know? 

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: He’s that kid, but like, better? And this ties into another important fact about him that I promise is relevant. Do you know what his favorite foods are?

Alena: Is it jello?

Sarah: It’s jello, or yogurt.

Alena: Jellies and jams!

Alyssa: [horrendous cackling]

Sarah: It’s jellies and jams and “yogurts” in quotation marks… preferably anything drinkable.

Alyssa: My jellies! My jams!

Sarah: He is jello, he loves jello! He loves yogurt. Little smoothie boy.

Alena: He’s that person you knew in college who literally made a smoothie and five in the morning, every day in your dorm room.

Sarah: Suigetsu-- is he like, lived in the same dorm as you… cause you share a--

Alena: He has four hydro-flasks on his person at all times.That is actually canon, he has two massive, like, Starbucks venti cups on him at all times-- it in the official art

Sarah: Yeah, it’s in his character design.

Alena: He has to stay hydrated or he will just turn to dust--

Sarah: He--

Alyssa: He has one of those cup hats.

Sarah: He has one of those cup hats--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: He has a smoothie, he has  a camelbak, he’s one of those people. So well hydrated.

Alena: Now, what I like to imagine is all of these hydration situations are happening at once.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah, he needs them. He really needs them or he will die.

Alena: Tactical equipment.

Sarah: He’s tactically hydrated!

Alena: [laughing] tactically hydrated.

Sarah: [laughing] But-- here’s the thing, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. In the scenario that you have to share a dorm room with Suigetsu, it’s probably the situation where you’re not in the same room as him, but you share a bathroom with him--

Alena: Oh yeah.

Sarah: --and he’s kinda never got clothes on--

Alena: Where the water lives--

Sarah: --kinda not like, in a weird sexual way but he never has any fucking clothes on. And has no boundaries. And you’ll walk in to brush your teeth, and he’ll be just hanging out-- ass out-- in the bathroom kind just chillin’ there. And he’ll be like, “Hey. You ever try kombucha?”

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: And he-- you can’t escape him. He’s not unpleasant but you don’t wanna be around him. 

Alena: “You ever try kombucha?” And you’re like, “Yeah, I don’t really like it.” and he;s like, “Okay, well do you know how it can support your digestive health?”

Sarah: “Dude I share a bathroom with you, I KNOW.”

Alena: You’re like, “No, Suigetsu, I don’t know about that, but thank you.” And he’s like, “Okay. Also have you been using my protein powder?” Like, “No, Suigetsu, you’re the only one in this house who makes smoothies.” He’s like, “That’s fine.”

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: “That’s fine. I guess.”

Alena: “Anyways? The protein powder on top of the fridge? That's not whey protein, that’s cocaine. Please don’t touch it.” And then he leaves.

Sarah: [laughing]

Alena: Because-- 

Sarah: That’s cocaine.

Alena: While I will say that he is the type of person who would look at you about to tuck into a nice lil mango Whiteclaw, and enjoy yourself a nice evening, he would look at you and say, “You know that dehydrates you, right?” And then he’d snort a line of coke off your science textbook.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah! Yeah absolutely. He’s surviving on cocaine and smoothies alone. He’s that kinda person. He’s hydrated but he’s not healthy. 

Alena: [laughing] There’s a difference between hydration and health, you’re absolutely right, and it’s important that we note that this episode.

Sarah: Uh… I’ve given a fact. Alyssa’s given a fact. Alena, do you have a fact?

Alena: So, my fact about Suigetsu-- aside from the cocaine, cause really that should… while it is a fact I don’t think that it’s new information for anybody. I think that um… so we had that-- just to recap-- we had that he’s the largest asshole possible on purpose, to as many people as possible. On purpose. And we also had that he can turn into goo at will. 

Sarah: Goo boy.

Alena: Lil goo boy.

Alyssa: Goo boy!

Alena: What I enjoy about Mister Suigetsu is that… sorry, I’m trying to formulate my words here. Cause there’s so much. 

Sarah: There’s so much about him that I just love and treasure. 

Alena: There is so much about him. I think mine is kinda sword-adjacent, because we’ve talked a little bit about the swords, but I think it is important that we really kind of hone in on how buck-shit wild this lil bitch is about swords. To the extent that not only is he obsessed with specifically Zabuza’s sword-- which is why he found/picked it up out of his grave. But he’s obsessed with all of the Seven Swordsmen’s swords. On several occasions he’s either gotten his grubby little pizza hands on one, or come across other swordsmen using them, and what’s a little bit scary about him is that he can just like… use all of them. Even if they’re not legendary swords he can just fucking pick up someone else’s blade and use it like he’s been using it for years. And i think that that’s honestly kind of terrifying, but I don’t think I'm that surprised about it. 

Sarah: Cause here’s the thing. You know those like really talented people you meet in highschool who aren’t doing great in their classes but-- okay maybe I just knew a lot of this kind of people, but… I can’t say names, I won’t give names, cause you’ve heard me talk about this person before. I knew this guy in highschool, who now that I’m talking about it does remind me a lot of Suigetsu.

Alena: Oh my god.

 Sarah: And I remember I came up to him after Summer break. And we were having a little, uh.. What’s it-- a little assembly, and we were all sitting in the cafeteria. And he comes-- I haven’t seen him in like four months, cause I really didn’t see a lot of people over summer vacation. And he comes and sits next to me like, “Oh hey Sarah, how ya doin’?” and I said, “Oh hey so-and-so, how are you?” and he’s like, “Oh yeah,  pretty good, what did you do over your vacation?”  And we talked about going to the beach and like, normal things, like “Oh I  read these books.” And blah, blah, blah. And he’s like, “Haha yeah, that’s really cool. I broke three ribs and punctured my lung and almost died. It was really cool.”

Alena: Yeah no, that’s for sure Suigetsu. Absolutely. He’d come back first day after Summer vacation and tell you about how he got hit by a car.

Sarah: Yeah, he’s like, “Yeah, but it was fine!”

Alena: Hit by a car, and spent two months in a neck brace, and then be like, “Do you wanna see the cool drill holes in my forehead?”

Sarah: [laughing]

Alena: “From the full neck brace, cause I got put in a full head cast?” And you’ll be like, “Dude, should you be here? Those look kinda fresh.” And he’s like, “Yeah no I’m on… a lotta cocaine right now-- don’t worry about it”

Sarah: “Lotta cocaine, it’s fine though.”

Alena: He’s like, “I’ve also gotten really into smoothies. Listen I’ve been adding a lot of kale supplements to my diet and I’ve been feeling great ”

Alyssa: Ew, kale?

Sarah & Alena: Yeah, kale.

Sarah: People put kale in smoothies.

Alena: People put kale in stuff.

Sarah: It’s green

Alena: Yeah, it's green. 

Sarah: Have you ever had kale?

Alena: Alyssa I’ve literally seen your mother add kale to a smoothie before.I am 100% percent sure.

Alyssa: Nope. 

Sarah: Are you sure?

Alena: I’ve seen somebody’s mother do it.

 Alyssa: It wasn’t mine.

Sarah: I don’t think Alyssa’s mom would. 

Alena: Well…

Sarah: My mom hasn't, I haven’t.

Alena: It was somebody’s grandmother.

Sarah: It wasn’t mine.

Alena: No last names, but her name was Helga. And she put kale in a smoothie once.

Sarah: Ah.

Alena: It tasted fine.

Sarah: Yeah, you can put it in there. It’s good for some fiber and protein. 

Alena: There’s iron in it--

Sarah: Yeah, there’s iron in it-- you gotta cover the flavor up with some other stuff but as long as its raw it kinda doesn’t taste like a whole lot. It’s like a hearty green.

Alena: Yeah. It’s fine, like honestly there’s vitamins and stuff in it but the most significant thing it does to change anything about it is it makes it green. Which-- we need to stop talking about this because now we sound like Suigetsu trying to justify his smoothie choices and--

Sarah: Well, I kinda wanna engage in this intensive, “Suigetsu engages you in smoothie talk” ASMR roleplay.

Alena: Oh my god you’re right.

Sarah: So-- [laughing] I swear I just keep thinking about Suigetsu, he’s really funny. Now… when I google Suigetsu, I think that my favorite set of images that pop up are the ones where he has like one normal sized arm and one arm that is just - [wheeze] huge for no reason. Like its just massive and I know it’s one of those memes-- [HORRIBLE CACKLING]

Alena: Now, remind me… remind me why that happens?

Sarah: Because he can reshape his body, so he can make his limbs bigger. I’m going to send you an image that actually struck me in the face. It is a picture of Suigetsu in the old meme format, like  2000’s. Early-- like early 00’s.

Alena: Like the old inspirational--

Sarah: Like the old inspirational posters-- 

Alena: I see what you’ve sent me. First of all, I would like to thank you--

Sarah: Mhmm.

Alena: --second of all, I would like to take that back because I hate it. 

Sarah: Because I opened it, and the image opens and its that little black frame, and his huge arm and his one normal arm. And then just all white text, normal font size: “Fapper” and I don’t like it--

Alena: I don’t like it. Um… First of all, that’s insulting to him, that’s his business. And that's his sword arm.

Sarah: Alena, I’m sorry, that's not the hand he's holding the sword in.

Alena: It’s to counterbalance the weight, Sarah!

Sarah: [laughing] Oh, sorry, that’s his arm jutsu--

Alyssa: Does his arm look like that all the time?

Sarah: No., he looks normal

Alena: The sword looks as big as he is, Zabuza’s sword is as big as Suigetsu, he needs a big meaty arm on the other wide to balance out the weight that his tiny little man arm is holding.

Sarah: Oh… my god-- sorry [laughing] these memes aren’t actually that-- this genre of Suigetsu meme is so common and it’s been common since back in the day. Here's the thing, they are vaguely, vaguely funny, but they’re only funny due to the sheer shock value of a dude that just looks like that is really kind of funny [laughing] he’s just-- here’s the thing, if I were Suigetsu and I had that ability, I would just make myself look super fucked up all the time and try to make people have a normal conversation with me, because you know that’s what he does. Like he’ll be talking to you and mis-sentence he just makes his titties massive for no reason, he’s like, “What are you lookin’ at? Fucker. My eyes are up here.”

Alena: [laughing] My eyes are up here!”

Sarah: And you’re like, “Suigetsu--”

Alena: And you look up at his face, and he’s doing the melting hair thing. You’re like, “Stop doing that”

Sarah: He’s like, “What’re you talking about?”  

Alena: “Stop doing that.”

Sarah: “What’re you talkin’ about, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What do you mean?” and he’s like, “No, describe it to me, I want to know.” And you’re like, “No! I’m trying to eat my cornflakes, go the fuck away!”

Alena: Like, “I’m trying to eat my cornflakes, also stop sitting on my side of the couch. Every time you sit on my side of the couch it gets damp.”

Sarah: Damp. He’s--

Alena: “There’s a whole side of the couch covered in towels all the time just for you. Sit on that side.” It’s like letting in a soggy dog out of the rain all the time whenever he sits on your furniture.

Sarah: Yeah, exactly. 

Alena: You just gotta lay towels down or he’s gonna ruin it. Mold’s gonna start to grow, it’s just damp all the time.

Sarah: He’s just a little goopy boy. And like he kinda-- he kinda can’t help it. And that’s fair…

Alena: Listen, he kind of can’t help it, but also--

Sarah: He--

Alena: If there was ever a second when he could? He wouldn’t. 

Sarah: Absolutely not. You know that Jugo and him live together, right? I always imagine him and Jugo living together.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Imagine Jugo has like all the furniture covered in plastic like a lil grandma, right?

Alena: Oh my god, he does. Now an excellent mental image is Suigetsu sitting on the plastic couch. Of course it makes the loud plastic couch fart noise, as we all know.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Alena: And then he proceeds to just jellify and slough off of it.

Sarah: [laughing] Yeah! He does that every Saturday night for extended periods of time. That’s his Saturday night, is he just kind of squooshes off the couch.

Alena: Uh-huh, and I will say… Jugo does watch this happen as he proceeds to drink roughly four beers in a row, because what the fuck else are you gonna do? You work with [CENSORED].

Sarah: You work with [CENSORED] and Suigetsu, you have to cope.

Alena: Yeah-- but here’s the thing. The drunker you get, it absolutely gets more funny.

Sarah: Yeah, absolutely.

Alena: So while he’s rather stoic, about and hour in Jugo is about to have a fucking conniption. He’s like rolling on the ground laughing as Suigetsu gently sloughs off the couch for the 800th time in a row.

Sarah: He’s like, “Ooohohohoo watch this one boys!” and they’re like, “YEAHH.”

Alena & Sarah: [laughing] 

Sarah: Oh god… hey Alyssa, you got another fact for us?

Alyssa: [thoughtful sigh]

Alena: Or just a comment. General sentiments. Thoughts about our boy.

Alyssa: I keep thinkin’ about Sarah’s comment about Kisame’s teeth.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: Oh yeah he’s also got the little--

Sarah: He’s also got the little sharp teeth.

Alyssa: He does.

Sarah: He’s got lil sharky teeth.

Alyssa: He does.

Sarah: You know, those seem to-- we talked about the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, I believe, for a while in the Kisame episode. And like, they do all have the lil sharky teeth. He has them, his brother had them, and I’m really-- like, you know, this is just me talking for two seconds about Naruto lore and it’s gonna get really boring if I don’t shut the fuck up soon. But I’m always wondering what the fuck is going on in the water there, and I remember the lotta, lotta, lotta meme pages from back in the day. And a lotta people just assumed Kisame was Suigetsu’s dad for a long time when Suigetsu was first introduced. Cause they were like, oh yeah, they both have teeth. Cause people don’t usually pay much attention to Zabuza’s teeth.

Alena: Cause here’s the thing. That’s a fun little thought, but also you’re right. Literally all of the Swordsmen have teeth like that--

Sarah: Yeah. Well at the time we didn’t know.

Alena: I will say--

Sarah: At the time that information was completely void, and then we found out, oh they all have teeth. And we’re like oh, I guess they’re all just fucked up looking.

Alyssa: And then Kisame and Suigetsu both have a lot of fishy themes going on.

Alena: Yeah, they do, but--

Alyssa: Are we sure… that Kisame isn’t Suigetsu’s dad?

Alena: Here’s the thing. 

Sarah: We have to deep dive into this.

Alena: I refuse to-- I refuse to believe, first of all, they’re not actually that far apart in age.

Alyssa: Yeah, Kisame’s a little young.

Sarah: Kisame’s like 35… so yeah, he would be like, a little young to be the parent of a 17 year old.

Alena: Yeah. they’re not far enough apart for it to have been a normal thing that Suigetsu could have been Kisame’s son. Also, I refuse to believe that if Kisame has a kid, it would not look more like a shark.

Sarah: Yeah. He would look--

Alyssa: Now, that’s another thing-- are we looking at shark years or human years?

Sarah: Oh-- what??

Alena: What??

Sarah: Hey, wait-- No-- No-- wait. 

Alena: I’m sorry??

Sarah: She’s got a point, she’s got a point-- I’m gonna-- I’m gonna-- I’m searching-- the google---

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: How long-- how long do sharks live?

Alena: How long do sharks live?”

Sarah: Did you just ask me-- how-- how-- [gasp] Guys. I know why Kisame died when he did.

Alena: Oh my god…

Sarah: The shark lifespan is only 20-30 years, he was pushin it.

Alena: [laughing] Oh my god--

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: Now what I love about this is that it implies that when Kisame passes away, you know, by choosing to have his own sharks eat him because he refuses to die by the hand of an enemy, that that is in fact just, “Well… it’s been a good run… time to die of old age…”

Sarah: Okay, here’s the thing. Just so people don’t @ me on twitter, there are many varieties of shark that can live longer than this. 

Alena: Like the Greenland shark and there’s one, and she’s like 800 years old and we don’t know how. And i’m very scared of her, but I’m glad that she’s doing well.

Sarah: I’m glad. 

Alyssa: How do we know she’s that old?

Alena: I don’t know if it’s 800, but she’s several hundred years old.

Sarah: Like at least 500 she might be like 800.

Alena: She’s wildly, wildly and I’m very scared that they can live that long, but it is because while they are very large, they are also in cold water. And a lot of times things that live in cold water that are not mammals, cause their metabolisms have to move so fucking slow, they can live a lot longer than you would expect them to and it’s kind of freaky.

Alyssa: Man, the human body really isn’t designed well. 

Sarah: Oh no, we’re a travesty.

Alena: Oh, no we’re breathing in carbon like it’s nothing. We’re essentially just like… listen. Live Fast, Die Young, bad Girls Do It Well. That the human anthem, baby. 

Alyssa: Apparently!

Sarah: Here’s the thing, do you think that when Kisame, when he reached the point of-- I know we’re getting off the topic of Suigetsu but I feel like this is related to him. Do you feel like when Kisame got to the age where he’s like, “Oh, yeah. I’m gonna die one day. I’m a shark. I wonder how long I can live.” And he went and he googled it.

Alena: He got on Naruto Google, which, as we mentioned in the Jiraiya episode, is just one Yamanaka powering the internet.

Sarah: Yeah. He’s like “How long do sharks live?”

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: listen-- how long sharks live. And the Yamanaka emailed him back like, “....How old are you, buddy?:

Sarah: [wheeze]

Alena: And Kisame’s like, “I’m 15!” and the Yamanaka’s like, “.... Have you thought about life insurance--”

Sarah: [CACKLING]

Alena: Have you made plans for funeral arrangements?

Sarah: Have you made plans? And that’s why like, when he got to 35 he was like, “Man, I’m really pushin’ it.” And he would constantly tell Itachi like, “Look, Itachi, I’m really pushin’ it. I never thought I’d live this long.”

Alena: He’s like, “Man, Itachi, when I go--” and Itachi’s like, “You’re like 35, dude.” And he’s like, “Every day’s a gift, Itachi.” and--

Sarah: He would consistently ask for a senior discount.

Alena: Itachi’s like, “I’m 19 and I’m so stressed.”

Sarah: He would constantly ask for senior discounts at the restaurant they went to together, and when they ask him like, “Oh, you look so young, how old are you?” He’s like, “Oh yeah, I’m like 35.” And Itachi’s like, actively hiding his face. And they’re like, “Well, sir, if you’re 35, you have to be about 65 to qualify for a senior discount.” He’s like, “Oh, nononono… no. In shark years.”

Alena: He’s like, “Look at me. Do you think I will make it to 65? Give me my free doughnut.”

Sarah: [wheeze] I mean when a guy that looks like that tell you that, you’re gonna give him a free doughnut, so--

Alena: If Kisame looked at me and said, “I don’t have long left.” I don’t think I would know what to do.

Sarah: I think I would break down crying. We talked about Kisame for a hot minute, we gotta get back. We gotta get back on the right road here.

Alyssa: Um… I think we can start wrapping it up.

Sarah: I think we can, actually.

Alena: We’ve done a very good little speedy job of it this week, but… so the thing that we’ve learned about Suigetsu, to kind of go through it… Um, and that is One: He’s irritating on purpose. And that is an artform that many people both in real life and in Naruto have attempted to do, but cannot pull off. Naruto, bless his heart, I love him. He is like a son to me. He’s irritating but on accident. And that’s fine, many people are, and I love them for it--

Alyssa: Me…

Alena: Um-- shut up, I’m going to hurt you-- I’m going to get you--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: I love you.

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: But-- now-- and then-- see-- Sorry to give you another bleep-- [CENSORED] he is irritating on purpose, but he does not pull it off. Suigetsu, he’s irritating not only by nature, but on purpose. He has honed his craft. And he has mastered it. He has also mastered the use of jellification, which is a word that I believe doesn’t have any other meanings other than becoming jelly. Because you know… if you are what you eat…

Sarah: He’s jello.

Alena: Then he surely is jello. He's the culmination of instagram ASMR slime culture, and he commits to the Moist  in every part of his life, from his diet to his lifestyle. And I think that’s a level of commitment that many of us have never been able to reach in our lives. To decide, “This is what I’m going to do.” And then commit to it wholeheartedly and in every aspect of your life. Furthermore we’ve learned that he’s mastered the art of irritation, he’s mastered the art of swordsmanship, Well-- sorry, he’s mastered the art of bein’ goo, and he’s mastered the art of swordsmanship. And, when you look at--

Sarah: I think he’d appreciate that you said swordsmanship twice.

Alena: Yeah. Listen.

Sarah: Fuck yeah.

Alena: That’s how important it is to him.

Sarah: It is important, you’re right. 

Alena: And I think boiling him down to these three componentSarah: Irritating, goo, and swords, it really emcompases the finer attributes of his personality. But within that, you also see that Suigetsu… so much like the bucket he must sleep in cause every time he becomes unconscious he turns to jelly… 

Sarah: I mean me too. Mee too. Fuck.

Alena: --is… is much deeper, than you’d think at first glance.  And that’s what we should remind ourselves of every day. Unknown depths, people.

Sarah: Unknown depths. 

Alena: Get to know those irritating hydro flask people that you meet in college. 

Sarah: Or don’t. Because they might---

Alena: Or don’t.

Sarah: --offer you a lot of cocaine.

Alena: Or don’t! Because maybe your lives don’t align with each other very well!

Sarah: Maybe they don’t, and--

Alena: And maybe he’s just an assigned roommate and you don’t have to get along for more than a year.

Sarah: But personally? I think I-- okay, I’m sorry I was about to give you a lie. I would not give Suigetsu a chance, he’s an annoying little bastard. I love him. I love him, I would only tolerate him were he, like, my cousin or something. 

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: I think… I think that the final lesson we can draw from today is that sometimes… it’s best to enjoy people from afar. 

Sarah: Yeah, actually. 

Alyssa: Yeah. Thats fair.

Sarah: Also? Soul Eater Evans. He looks like a lil Soul Eater Evans. He inspired the love Soul Evans instinct. I would love to also have a weird Soul Eater crossover episode at some point-- but we got a lotta Naruto to cover.

Alena: We got a lotta Naruto to cover. Uh-- speakin’ of a lotta Naruto to cover--

Alyssa: Maybe once we’re finished with Naruto--

Alena: Speakin’ of a lotta Naruto to cover, next week we will be covering Miss Karin, who has several things to know about her.

Sarah: We certainly know things about Karin!

Alena: We certainly know things about Karin, and we’ll be coming at them next time, this has been Til Death Do Us Nart, thank you!

Sarah: Thank youuuu!

Alyssa: Thanks for listening!

Sarah: Bye!

End Message: Til Death Do Us Nart is a 103Ghouls Production podcast. It is created and produced by three women who are completely off their rocks. Theme song is “Drunk Punch Man” by Bullmoose. Find it and other songs by Bullmoose on spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. To support the show, consider donating to our Patreon which can be found in the show notes. If you can’t, believe me, we understand. Please consider subscribing to us on Youtube, sharing the link to the show, and above all, talking us up on social media. We really appreciate the support. Oh, and one more thing: Thanks for listening.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]