Granny Chiyo

She's old. She's badass. She has cool puppets. ...And she runs the DARE program for the Sand Village. That's right! We're talking about Granny Chiyo this time!

Transcript can be found here: https://tildeathdousnart.buzzsprout.com/

A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!
If you enjoyed the show please consider donating to our Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/tddun

Transcript

Alyssa (Intro): Seriousness and children should be left at the door. Very little of what our hosts are about to say is factual but will be crass. This is… Til Death Do Us Nart.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]

Alyssa: Welcome back Til Death Do Us Nart.

Sarah: Welcome back to Til dep-- ta-ha-- blart. Welcome back to blart.

Alena: Yep.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: Fuck.

Alena: Welcome to-- welcome to fart.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Sarah: Welcome to fart!

Alena: Welcome to fart, I’m Naruto--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: I’m also Naruto!

Alyssa: I’m Sakura.

Sarah: [laughing]

Alena: Well now-- well now what are we supposed to do? We're two shadow clones, nary a Naruto in sight. 

Sarah: I mean-- [laughing] Well, at least we know which one of us is vaccinated, so…

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing] 

Sarah: Well, you know we’re off to a rip roaring start.

Alena: We're off to a rip roaring start--

Sarah: Which-- I think Alyssa’s suffocating-- which always means I’ve done my job right--

Alena: Well, we’re killing Sakura--

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: We’re killing Sakura. Sorry this is an intense Naruto roleplay…

Alena: Just like in Naruto.

Alyssa: [struggling to catch breath due to Alena and Sarah’s general buffoonery]

Sarah: Oh my god…

Alyssa: Okay. Just keep going.

Sarah: Okay, so we gotta keep going. So here’s the thing, here’s the thing, here’s the thing. Last week, last week we finished up the sannin with our lovely Tsunade episode, which I believe was funny, but did not have that many jokes because we respect Tsunade.

Alena: We respect Tsunade too much and so it was more of a light-joking appreciation podcast.

Alyssa: Listen, I did go back and relisten to it today. Um, I haven’t done many edits. And by “many'' I mean, at all. But I did re-listen to it and it did make me cackle several times, so…

Alena: Oh good!

Sarah: Okay then we’re good, we’re still funny!

Alena: We’re still funny!

Sarah: So, last episode, last time we did Miss Tsunade, last time we recorded. And this time we are continuing with doing the nice elderly folks of the Naruto universe-- even though Tsunade is not elderly at fifty-whatever, however old she is. Don’t correct me on Twitter. 

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: We’re going to continue and speak about Miss Granny Chiyo this week, who I find to be, uh--

Alena: Miss Granny!

Sarah: Miss Granny! Miss Granny Chiyo. Miss Granny Chiyo, who I find to be really, really incredible.

Alena: I find her to be particularly elderly!

Sarah: She’s particularly elderly! In the Naruto universe--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: --well I mean they treat her like she’s fucking ancient.

Alena: I think--  there’s literally like-- now, I could be wrong, but I think there’s only two old people in Naruto, and that’s Chiyo and her-- brother??

Alyssa: Yeah--

Sarah: I feel bad, is that her brother?

Alyssa: I think it is her brother.

Alena: Okay.

Sarah: I’m gonna have to google so much shit. It’s.. yeah, it’s her younger brother, his name is Ebizo.

Alena: Yeah.

Alyssa: Ebizo?

Alena: Oh that’s right--

Sarah: Ebizo. E-bi-zo. 

Alena: Ebizo. Um. Out of all the old people, I would say that she’s particularly old. I’m just lookin’ at pictures of her face.

Sarah: I’m looking at pictures of Chiyo right now.

Alena: We all just have google search open right now.

Sarah: Just… the Betty White of the Naruto universe.

Alyssa: Betty White of the Naruto universe.

Alena: Betty White of the Naruto universe.

Sarah: Betty White of the Naruto universe. I think… I think if anyone was gonna be Betty White of like-- kinda, the anime universe in general, I think it would be Granny Chiyo. Because she’s funny, she’s scary, she’s really old, and I think those are all really good traits in a woman.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Especially the “old” part, I love an old lady…

Alena: And traits that often-- yeah, traits that often they are not allowed to have. So that is one thing that I appreciate greatly about Miss Granny Chiyo.

Sarah: So, I think it’s time to start in on our usual episodic--? Episodic. You know our normal episodes’ cycle of, we all go around and state a fact about Granny Chiyo. Um…

Alena: Yes.

Sarah: And uh-- Alyssa, you usually go first.

Alyssa: I do, now…

Sarah: What’s your Granny Chiyo fact?

Alyssa: Uh… She is an absolute badass and has some cool puppets?

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.

Alyssa: [laughing] I just wanna see her kick Sasori’s ass again.

Sarah: I really wanna see her-- I would pay for a whole other episode where she beats his ass. 

Alyssa: I know right?? 

Alena: It’s a very good fight. I will say… And I have mentioned this to you all on several occasions, but the first time I saw that fight I thought that she was attempting to eviscerate Gaara. Because, I-- All little red-haired bitches in Naruto is the same.

Alyssa: Fraggle Rock two electric boogaloo?

Sarah: [laughing] Umm, hey guys? Can I share my fact a little early? Because ooh boy… I have discovered an entire subreddit of memes comprised of essentially just wanting to be Granny Chiyo’s man. Husband. Lover.

Alena: Oh yeah.

Sarah: Compatriot… And you know, I really didn’t expect this from like, Naruto internet. I've been into Naruto for a long time and I forgot that these people were capable of being this funny. 

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Mhm, can you send me the link, cause I would love to get in on this. 

Alyssa: Oh-- yeah..

Sarah: Oh yeah, I’m gonna send you a funky little preview of um… what I have discovered. Just let me uh-- just let me crack open a little Discord action here.

Alena: So-- I see-- I see what you’ve posted. And it is difficult. Um… It’s difficult to face, it’s difficult to think about. It’s not, I guess… perhaps, incorrect. But um. It troubles me.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah, it troubles me.

Alena: Yeah… so for those of you at home I’d like to do a dramatic reading. What we are looking at is a picture of Kisame Hoshigaki. In his Akatsuki garb. During, of course… Well, the arc of course where he fights Bee and ends up in the sword, I believe? In Samehada. But um… at the top it is captioned in black text: “Granny Chiyo: *Does Anything*.  Me:” And then of course we see our dear friend Kisame holding his sword-- a bit larger than usual--

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Sarah: Would you call it engorged, maybe?

Alena: Full of teeth--

Sarah: With his teeths--

Alena: We could call it engorged-- I wish you wouldn’t, but we could--

Sarah: [cackling]

Alena: And it is captioned, “Samehada has never grown this big before.” And I’d like to apologize to uh-- 

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: -- any listeners that we’ve amassed over the last few episodes cause they’re surely gone now! [laughing]

Sarah: I found another one, and I think I can just describe this one. I really like this one because it’s very descriptive. It gives me a lovely little “Imagine” vision. Um… “When you’re reviving Gaara, and Chiyo lowkey touches your hand, and you’re not sure whether that was the sign to smash or nah.”

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: Hey um-- I think Alena and I need a visual of this.

Sarah: I don’t like what it’s implying but… I mean-- here’s the thing, the funniest part of it was what I already read out to you but just to ensure that I’m not making this shit up--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Like, these are good, um… So, my Granny Chiyo fact is that apparently there’s a subset-- and they’re correct. She’s a lovely woman. She’s intense. She’s scary. She’s old. And I think those are all excellent qualities in a wife, in a woman, in a friend. 

Alena: Those are all excellent traits--

Sarah: Alena do you have a fact for us?

Alena: Yeah. Um.. So… What I like about Granny Chiyo as a character, and also as-- I suppose-- I suppose a grandmother… I think, circling back around to the puppet lore and the kind of Sasori facet of her story. Cause I often forget that she is Sasori’s blood-related grandmother. Through her son.

Sarah: Oh yeah that’s his whole-ass grandma.

Alena: Who later, she totes around as a puppet. Now granted, her grandson did turn him into a puppet but she does just kind of literally and figuratively take up the reigns of that one.

Sarah: --Oh yeah, which I would argue is even stranger. It’s weird.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s very-- it’s very weird. Like hm. Alright well, this is just my dead son, I suppose. 

Alyssa: You know it’s just like finding roadkill on the side of the road. Meat is meat!

Alena: Meat is meat, but that--

Sarah: But that’s your--

Alena: --your son boy.

Alyssa: Meat is meat!

Sarah: Alyssa, would you eat your son?

Alena: Now… I don’t like what you’ve implied here, Alyssa, because that implies that the puppet-- that the ninja puppets, which we have talked about-- the warring factions of puppet ninja versus muppet ninja in the Jiraiya episode, we’re not going to get back into it. That the puppet ninja are using puppets that are made of organic meat-based matter. And I don’t love that.

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Sarah: Yeah, no, um--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Hohh…

Alyssa: Hannibal fandom do not interact.

Sarah: Hannibal fandom-- no, I want them to interact. I would love for them to interact with--

Alena: Hannibal fandom do not interact-- oh dear--

Sarah: That is the thing, and you have now introduced the concept of roadkill-no-jutsu--

Alena: Now--

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Sarah: Roadkill-no-jutsu is what they called me in high school.

Alena: Roadkill-no-jutsu-- um, now. Question. 

Sarah: Question?

Alyssa: Uh-huh?

Alena: Say you were an opportunistic, enterprising, young puppet ninja. And you happen across… let’s say, a recently deceased hunk of meat on the side of the road.

Alyssa: Uh-huh.

Alena: Some people would say, “Free Weapon.”

Alyssa: Yeah!

Sarah: Oh yeah, I think I might agree.

Alena: Some people say, “Free Dinner,” some people say, “Free Weapon”

Sarah: Yeah. Now not to be slightly off topic here, but have you seen Kankuro’s puppets? Because they do look a bit like roadkill.

Alena: You know that boy dragged them off of the side of the road. Inside each of Kankuro’s puppets is what used to be a possum and about four pounds of corrugated cardboard. And a couple maracas and that’s why it makes that sound.

Sarah: Oh abso-fucking-lutely.

Alena: He’s got some googly eyes on there.

Sarah: He, oh-- they do have fucking googly eyes. I can’t wait for a Kankuro episode, but I feel like he’s important to discuss in Granny Chiyo’s episode because if I remember right they are kinda like friends, aren’t they?

Alena: They are kinda like friends, which I think is why it’s really telling-- now remind me, Granny Chiyo was sadly-- and a spoiler coming up-- Granny Chiyo, as all elderly folks are want to do, passes away at some point.

Sarah: Mhmm.

Alena: Is that before or after Kankuro takes her deceased grandchild’s body and in a twist of fate that is, some would say, fitting, turns him into a puppet that he then uses. Does that happen before or after Granny Chiyo beefs it?

Sarah: Granny Chiyo beefs it pretty quickly…

Alena: Yeah, cause hse beefs it around the time that Gaara-- yeah…

Sarah: She helps revive Gaara, and she gives up what’s left of her life to do that, which was very nice of her.

Alena: Which is very nice, and also you have to wonder-- because Gaara seems to be doing well far into Baruto at this point. Not that I watched Baruto. Or the remainder of Shippuden. But you know, he seems to be doing alright according to Tumblr, and so you have to wonder. If Gaara’s little life force was spent, and she put what was left of hers into that lil boy. Help bring back lil sandboy, who we all know and love, how fuckin’ old-- how fucking long was she gonna live??

Alyssa: So i’m not sure it quite works that easy, but I--

Alena: No I’m pretty sure there’s a one-to-one year ratio [laughing]

Alyssa: I think at this point we just kinda gotta go with, “Magic” and leave it at that.

Alena: I dunno, I like to think that Granny Chiyo would have lived indefinitely and beyond all human nature well into Baruto. She-- you know that scene in Spongebob? 

Sarah: Yes-- yes yes yes yes yes--

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yes yes, keep going, expand on this, I wanna hear.

Alena: Where like-- So Ebizo answers the door, cause someone’s selling chocolate. And [wheeze] and he’s not sure what he needs to get and so he calls back into the house, “MA--”

Sarah: “MA--”

Alena: “What? What are they selling?”

Sarah: What?? What are they selling??” Oh my god--

Alena: Yeah, so that could be my fact about Granny Chiyo, is that she was there when they invented chocolate.

Alyssa: Hell yeah.

Alena: She always hated it.

Sarah: Oh abso-fucking-lutely. Um, so cool, I hate to pop the bubble here, it’s just because medical ninjutsu is fascinating and I wanted to actually know the mechanics of this technique.

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: So apparently it has less to do with giving years and more with like, reviving the soul?

Alena: Ah.

Sarah: Um. So, it’s more like she burned up the last of her soul to bring Gaara’s back or something like that. 

Alena: Makes sense. You think, though, that like-- I feel like, though, when Gaara was brought back… I feel like he’s got some little old lady qualities that kinda clung on. I think-- there’s gotta be some--

Alyssa: [wheeze] Wait, wait, okay--

Alena: Like--

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Alyssa: Okay-- no no no-- because this brings in another crossover.

Alena: Oh?

Alyssa: With X-Men.

Sarah: What?

Alyssa: Because-- Because this happens when the Wolverine uses his powers.

Alena: He has powers? I thought he just had claws, I don’t know shit about X-Men.

Alyssa: No, okay so he-- technically Wolverine's power is rapid healing. Uh… which means that in one of the X-Men movies when Rogue touches him to heal herself, she takes, basically his essence, taking on his mutation so that she can heal herself. And the joke is that she took on some of his more… attractive qualities, quote unquote.

Alena: Can you imagine if instead she had healed herself and then had just kinda got like big sideburns? 

Sarah: Hi, that’s exactly what I was thinking about. I was like, “Well that’s copout,” like she should look like Wolverine.

Alena: That’s a sweet fuckin’ bet, right? You heal yourself, like ah jeez, I have a bullet wound and I’m gonna bleed out. Slap your hand on Hugh Jackman’s titty, and then you get sick sideburns. There’s no downside.

Sarah: There’s no downside. You’re suddenly Hugh Jackman, and you’re fine.

Alena: Yeah, suddenly you’re the Huge Ackman.

Alyssa: I will say she did almost kill him when she did this, because that’s what Rogue does.

Sarah: Man, look at you, knowing things about X-men--

Alena: Ehh, details--

Sarah: I think if Rogue kills somebody they had it coming.

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Don’t @ me on Twitter.

Alena: Even if it’s by accident.

Alyssa: No, absolutely. Rogue is actually a very good girl and doesn’t like using her powers because of what it does. So yeah, if she uses it on you on purpose? You probably deserved it.

Sarah: Honest to god? Yeah. Also, super fun fact about this life-giving jutsu, apparently Granny Chiyo inherently designed it for bringing one of-- for bringing Sasori’s parent’s back--

Alena: Ohh…

Sarah: Because…

Alena: Well Sasori really shit the bed on that plan, didn’t he?

Sarah: Yeah, like imagine your grandma comes up with this cool recipe to revive your parents and then you run off to join a gang because you think your life isn’t great anymore.

Alena: You take their-- you take their hollow puppet corpses and then run off to join a bunch of ninja terrorists.

Sarah: Yeah I think that kinda shoots his tragic backstory in the head.

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Um, not that his was good anyways, because yeah whatever he lost his parents.

Alena: Aw man, do you know how many orphans there are in Naruto? You’re not special, you had a grandma who would have taken care of you until her last dying breath, and you had the gall to join a gang and turn your parents into puppets. You carved them up like jack-o-lanterns, you sick little man.

Sarah: You sick little man. Sorry, now I’m just looking at pictures of Sasori’s parents.

Alyssa: Alive or as puppets?

Sarah: Alive. I wanted to know about them-- Hey, you wanna know a cool reminder that I forgot? I forgot that Kakashi’s dad just straight-up murdered Sasori’s parents.

Alena: Ohhh, yeah I forgot about that--

Alyssa: Ohhhhh…

Sarah: Yeah, and that’s why Granny Chiyo hates him. 

Alyssa: Wait-- I kinda remember there being something about Kakashi not getting along with her--

Alena: Oh that makes sense--

Sarah: Yeah, it’s cause he looks like his dad, and she literally attacked him upon first glance because she literally thought he was Sakumo.

Alena: “There’s the bitch!”

Alyssa: You know what, though? I feel like she was valid.

Sarah: She was totally valid. He-- here’s the thing--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Sakumo-- he was doing his job because this is ninja time. However, yeah, I would be pissed if somebody killed my children.

Alena: Also, not to encroach on what would doubtlessly be another episode, but Sakumo, much like all Naruto characters, is a war criminal. So you know. He got what was gonna happen.

Alyssa: But no-- I just mean, if I saw Kakashi I, too, would probably punch him in the face.

Sarah: Really? I love Kakashi--

Alyssa: No, I love him too, which is also why I would punch him in the face.

Alena: I feel like he could evade you.

Sarah: [laughing] Um… Yeah, I feel like he could.

Alyssa: Do I care? No.

Sarah: It would just be kind of disappointing to try and punch Kakashi and then it not work. I mean I’m sure Chiyo felt that. I can’t remember if she actually managed to land a hit on him. So, maybe that’s what you guys have in common.

Alyssa: Hey!

Alena: Are you calling Alyssa particularly elderly?

Sarah: No! Y’all, we watched Chiyo whip ass, I don’t--

Alyssa: Yeah!

Sarah: I don’t think Alyssa  has the same combat capability as Chiyo even if Chiyo is like, seventy three…

Alena: Most human people don’t.

Alyssa: Hey!

Sarah: Alyssa I’ve fought you, I’m sorry, but like…

Alyssa: Rude.

Sarah: You have the combat capability of like, a wet hamster, like--

Alyssa: [wheeze] That’s so mean!

Sarah: That is really mean, but-- [laughing] -- I could tap you right now from forty miles away.

Alyssa: [feigns crying]

Sarah: [laughing] Alyssa I’m sorry. Granny Chiyo could kick your ass.

Alena: Here’s the thing. Alyssa, if it makes you feel better, she could also kick mine and Sarah’s ass. Like--

Sarah: She could also kick our ass. Yeah, Granny Chiyo could beat my ass any given day of the week.

Alena: She would throw me across town like I was a fucking garbage dumpter, like there’s no ocntest, she’d destroy me.

Sarah: Yeah no, old lady would absolutely fucking kill me.

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Alena: I think puppets are creepy, and she’s really strong. I have no chance.

Sarah: [laughing] Yeah, I would be absolutely fucking terrified. If Granny Chiyo walked up on me on a dark alley--

Alena: Oh my god--

Sarah: -- I would be so fucking scared.

Alena: That’s literally-- that’s-- and that’s-- You know she did that. You just-- like not even trying, you just round a corner trying to come back from a fucking Circle K. You know, in the Village Hidden in the Sand, where they have those. And um--

Sarah: Oh of course, they have the most Circle K’s out of any of the villages in Naruto--

Alena: Yeah. And um, they have that of course, race tracks, of course because Vin Diesel founded the Akatsuki. But he was--

Sarah: Well he founded the race track first.

Alena: He founded the race track first and um. Desert flat. Sometimes. So we got the race tracks in the Sand Village, as well as the Circle K. Anyways, you’re coming back home from the Circle K one night. You round the corner. A familiar part of town. And there’s just this little fucker at the end of the street with like, eighteen corpses strung up on dental floss. Like, she’s maybe the worst thing that you could possibly imagine, but then you talk to her and she’s like, “That’s fine, I just hate my grandson. Get home safe now.”

Sarah: Yeah, she’s like--

Alena: “Get home safe, deary.”

Sarah: “Get home safe, dear. I’m using these puppets to carry all my groceries that I have bought at the Circle K”

Alena: [laughing] “On the weekends I use them to teach drug responsibility at the local high school. I founded the D.A.R.E program, child.”

Sarah: Now here’s the thing-- that’s the thing, she walks in the D.A.R.E. program, and it’s--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: And Granny Chiyo walks in with one of her puppets and is like, “If you do cocaine, you’re gonna look like this.”

Alena: [laughing] See-- and I’m--

Sarah: “See all of my puppets? They all used to do cocaine.”

Alena: “Not even once!”

Sarah: “Not even once!”

Alena: You walk in, she pulls out the thing that looks like bug and it’s the size of your fucking gym coach, and she’s like, “Now what you need to know about ketamine, is--”

Sarah: “This was Tommy. Tommy tried--”

Alena: “But look at him now! Not even once!”

Sarah: “Look at him now, not even once!”

Alena: “Granny Chiyo. Not even once.”

Sarah: “Not even once.”

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Now, here’s the thing, here’s the thing. This opens another portal that I wish to pave through.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: We have discussed who runs the D.A.R.E. program in the Sand Village. Who runs the sex-ed program that isn’t actually a sex-ed program? It’s a sex-ed program but it’s just telling you not to have sex or you’re gonna die.

Alyssa: Jiraiya?

Sarah: No!

Alena: Not Jiraiya-- it has to-- okay--

Sarah: No!

Alena: First of all, look at him. Of course not. Second of all, it is for sure Ebizo. Her brother.

Sarah: Yeah, Ebizo. This old-ass man comes into your classroom when everybody’s like thirteen-- what time did you guys start having sex-ed? I was like, twelve.

Alena: Um, now Sarah. I grew up in a Georgian suburb.

Alyssa: Now, technically--

Sarah: So did I!

Alena: We didn’t get sex-ed. I know, but I didn’t get sex-ed. 

Sarah: What? How--

Alyssa: See-- I must have gotten the best one out of all of us, because they showed us videos.

Sarah: On what? 

Alyssa: When we were in elementary school.

Alena: I had one semester of “Health” in high school, and I had to do a PowerPoint project on tetanus, and I had to count my calories for a week-- which by the way, is an unhealthy way of monitoring your health.

Sarah: That is unhealthy.

Alena: Um, and we didn’t ever talk about sex-ed. We just didn’t.

Sarah: I had several smaller seminars during like elementary school when I was in fifth grade, and I had a devoted health class to it. And my devoted health class to it was actually not… we mostly talked about STDs. So they used the fear-mongering tactic instead of just telling us anything.

Alyssa: Yeah…

Alena: Yeah, ours was nonexistent. The only sort of information I ever got in regards to like, human body-- any sort of-- not necessarily sex-ed, but human anatomy-type education was because I took an anatomy class my senior year. And that was not a required class, I just thought it would be interesting and I needed another academic elective. 

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Alena: So I took anatomy, and there of course we learned about reproductive systems of course, as a whole unit, because we would go through the different systems of the body. And I learned more there than I did in any other sort of a health class. And we still did not cover sex-ed in that class. It was just the functioning of the systems and how things can affect them, but that was still loads more than I ever got anywhere else. And that was a class that only two were taught a semester. 

Alyssa: See, okay. I’m sure I’ve told you guys this before, when I took health class, I took a Summer health program so that I could have an extra elective.

Sarah: Fuckin’ nerd.

Alyssa: I know. But I-- I wanted to do Spanish, chorus, and theatre, so what was a girl supposed to do?

Sarah: Fuckin’ NERD--

Alyssa: And in my health class, at my high school, they legit told me that there were going to be lesbians. 

Sarah: Ohh--

Alena: Watch out!

Sarah: Watch out--

Alena: Watch out-- watch out-- watch out!

Alyssa: And that they were going to try to convince me to be a lesbian.

Alena: Oh my god. They got you!

Sarah: Oh my god!

Alena: They got you, Alyssa! [laughing]

Sarah: They got you!

Alena: They got you, oh no! [laughing]

Sarah: Alyssa!

Alyssa: I think the joke’s on them, it was not in highschool.

Sarah: It was in college.

Alena: They fucking got you. 

All: [laughing]

Sarah: It was me, like, “Hey!”

Alena: Ebizo walks into your high school class in gym and he’s like, “Now listen.”

Sarah: “Now listen.”

Alena: “You may come across what you’ll come to know…”

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: “...As lesbians.”

S & Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: “Now they may seem nice. But make no mistake! They will try to convince you to be. A lesbian.”

Sarah: So--

Alena: “NOT EVEN ONCE.”

Sarah: “Not even once--” Here’s the thing.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: The worst thing about this is… Chiyo is definitely a lesbian. 

Alena: Oh yeah, for sure for sure for sure. Ebizo has no idea, though. No idea, completely went over his head, has no fucking clue.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Sarah: Yeah, Ebizo was like, “She had kids, right?” And like, she’s definitely one of those lesbians that only kind realized it later in life.

Alena: “Chiyo and her best friend who just lives in her house all the time. I’m so glad that she has such companionship--”

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: “--with her friend, live-in gal pal.”

Alyssa: Alena!

Sarah: Live-in gal pal! Like-- and Ebizo-- here’s the thing. Ebizo is one of those old men who’s homophobic but not in like, the worst way. He’s kind of passive about it. He’s like, “Ohh well--”

Alena: He has no idea what’s going on, he has no goddamn clue, like, “Ohh well! I don’t know anything about that!”

Sarah: “I just don’t want to see it! Oh you know, it’s fine, whatever you do on your own.”

Alyssa: Casual homophobia, then.

Sarah: Yeah, it's casual--

Alyssa: Versus like, hears that a girl is bisexual and goes, “Oh so she might still end up with a man.”

Sarah: “Yeah, she might still figure it out, don’t worry about it.” Here’s the thing, I feel like he’s very live-and-let-live, but like if he ever-- here’s the thing, Chiyo’s scared to tell him, because like. He’ll shit his pants and die. He’s so old they just can’t do it. He’s not even gonna be mad, he’s just gonna be so blown on his ass--

Alena: He’s gonna be so blown away that he’ll die on the spot, and she’s like, “I don’t need to do that to him because that would be an intentional act of murder. To inform him of this.”

Sarah: Yeah, exactly. “Sorry about that one.” Yeah, um , seeing as how she doesn’t have a husband on the books, she just has a son who doesn’t even look that much fucking like her. I mean…

Alena: Exactly. And we all know how many people-- we all know how many orphans are floating around in Naruto, she could have just picked him up!

Sarah: Exactly!

Alena: On her way back from the 7-11! Brought him in with the groceries!

Sarah: Yeah! Brought him in with the groceries.

Alena: “Sometimes, you run out to do an errand and you come back with a son. It happens all the time.”

Sarah: “Happens all the time.” Man, she’s a cool lady. That’s why she took to Sakura so fast, she was like, “Ahh, this one’s a little lesbian too.”

Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: If only Sakura had realized it. 

Sarah: Yeah, honest to god. That something Chiyo was like, “Oh my god I have to--” She realized it halfway through hanging out with her, it was like, “Oh man I don’t know how to break this to her.”

Alyssa: “I can’t tell her.”

Sarah: “I can’t tell her, we don’t have the time, we have to find my shitty grandson.”

Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: And then she died, so she never got the chance. 

Sarah: So.. hey. Circling back, now that I think about it, we have yet to bring in how granny Chiyo-- you know, puppets are a very big deal for her. We have yet to bring in how she fits into the muppet ninja puppet ninja war.

Alena: Well, she’s the leader of the resistance against the muppet ninjas--

Sarah: Yes-- I’m sorry, how did-- how dare I forget this canon-- that is canon, we didn’t build this, it’s canon. 

Alena: Yeah. You look at that woman and you tell me that there is a bone of acceptance for muppets in her body. 

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Sarah: Oh yeah, no. Absolutely fucking not. Like, she accepts no muppets.

Alena: She-- she spits upon the ground at Kermit’s feet. And you know that.

Sarah: Oh my fucking god. Yeah. Yeah. Um, And I think… What does that make her? Do we know of any, like, real-life analogous competitors to the muppets? 

Alyssa: Oh god?

Sarah: I think the muppets have a muppet monopoly. And--

Alena: Oh my god…you’re right...

Sarah: --perhaps Naruto is the way it is because they live in a timeline in which-- cause you know Naruto’s always seemed a little post-apocalyptic to me…

Alena: [gasp] Oh My God--! You’re right--

Sarah: Maybe that was the Great--

Alena: We busted it wide open--

Sarah: That is what caused it--

Alena: That's what did it! That’s what caused it! Naruto-- the only way that Naruto can happen is if something comes to challenge the muppet monopoly.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alyssa: Oh my goood--

Alena: Cause if you look at--

Sarah: It’s mutually assured destruction.

Alena: It’s mutually assured destruction of the foundation of what Jim Henson has built, and someday-- there will come a day. We may not know when but it is coming. Where a force will rise. The muppet ninjas. 

Sarah: The muppet ninjas.  

Alena: The muppet ninjas… uh-- a force will rise against them, it will be the puppet ninjas. And that… that was the first Great Ninja War. Wasn’t it?

Sarah: Yeah, because-- okay, somebody’s gonna be so fucking mad at us, cause what was the fucking First Great Ninja War about? I-- [laughing]

Alyssa: Eh.. does…?

Alena: Here’s the thing-- do we know? Do we fucking know?

Sarah: I feel like we know.

Alyssa: Is that explained in Naruto?

Sarah: ...Okay--

Alena: I’m gonna look this up.

Sarah: I’m gonna look this up--

Alena: I’m gonna look it up right now, I’m gonna look it up--

Sarah: First Great Ninja War. “The First Great Ninja War was the first of the great wars that involved the majority of the ninja villages and countries.” Wow, really? Great.

Alena: Wow I-- Wooowowooowowoowoo!

Sarah: Um--

Alena: [cackling]

Sarah: “The reliable surviving records of this war lead to the birth of the tactics that are still for the cornerstone of warfare. The war started not long after the system of one shinobi village or country was established of Konohagakure blahuluahahh… divided the tailed beasts among the other five villages… when he began his peace talks… however this was not enough to prevent the war and may have only increased hostilities.” So… I do not actually know if that… Let’s check the Narutopedia cause I don’t know where I was. I was in, like, the Shonen Jump wiki. Good god. Can you imagine? What a desolate place to be.

Alena: Can you imagine?

Alena & Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Um.. okay, “The war started not long after the system of one shinobi village per country was established by the founding of Konohagakure after the warring states period. After the war, to try to maintain the balance of power, the First Hokage divided the tailed beasts among the five major villages to which… uh, he began peace talks with them. Uh-- the seed of conflict was likely planned by Madara Uchiha when he attacked Mu, the Second Tsuchikage and effectively destroyed the newfound peace between Iwagakure and Konohagakure.” Um. So here’s the thing.

Alyssa: Mhmmm?

Alena: It would seem… As though Madara factors into this.

Alyssa: Oh no.

Alena: But… We know that the muppet ninjas have close ties to the Hidden Leaf Village.

Sarah: Oh, yes yes yes… The muppet ninjas-- cause they they are tied--

Alena: And it would seem… So, the Hidden Leaf Village, a.k.a. Madara. Were the aggressors in the situation. 

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Sarah: Yes.

Alena: So, I don’t think that it would be a stretch to say that the muppet ninjas, in some form or another, had influence in the First Great Ninja War. 

Sarah: Yeah, no. Definitely, I think they orchestrated the entire thing.

Alena: Now my question is this: The Tailed Beasts.

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Sarah: Yes.

Alena: They are powerful entities. Housed within and sometimes outside of human people. Ninjas. 

Alyssa: Mhmm.

Sarah: Hmmm…

Alena: --Who are able to carry them. And use them...

Sarah: [gasp]

Alena: … for their powers-- Now. I’m going to take the conversation in a slightly different direction, but one that nonetheless is extremely important. Are the Tailed Beasts puppets or muppets?

Sarah: I… am so stressed out by that question. And…

Alena: Do you think that the First Great Ninja War was over the conflict of where that line is drawn?

Alyssa: I think it was.

Sarah: Oh absolutely. I think it was. 

Alyssa: I think-- I think, Alena, I think you’re onto something here. I think that the Tailed Beasts are in fact muppets.

Sarah: Fuck. I think they’re muppets. I-- I think I’m on the side of them being muppets. 

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: I’m so stressed out. I’m so stressed out. I’m so stressed out.

Alena: Mhmm.

Sarah: Oh my god.

Alena: It’s a difficult--

Sarah: This is definitely how this war started.

Alena: And here’s the thing. I will-- I will back it up again by saying the First Hokage divided the Tailed Beasts among the other five major villages. So Konoha, the Hokage. Took these powerful entities, which are either muppets or puppets-- one of the two, there is no in between and there is no outlying. It is-- it is one of the two. And distributed them to other villages. 

Sarah: Hoo.

Alena: Thus seeding the conflict which was further pushed along by Madara. Now that’s just Naruto trivia that we all know, but I think that it goes deeper than that. Because you have these Tailed Beasts being distributed around and you have everyone developing their own opinions what a tailed beast should be. And what a Tailed Beast is. And then we start to split off into factions, don’t we? 

Sarah: Oh--

Alena: And I would like to say that that goes all the way into the Naruto era. It starts with the First Ninja War, but it keeps on going. It goes beyond Chiyo, it goes beyond Jiraiya, and it goes all the way--to what? That’s right! The leader of the Akatsuki.

 [getting noticeably louder] What does Nagato use? That’s right, Nagato uses Pein-- what’s Pein? A BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ PUPPETS. 

Sarah: Alena you FUCKING cracked it.

Alyssa: Oh my god--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: It all goes back to muppets! I’m telling you!

Alena: It all goes back to muppets!

Sarah: It all goes back to Muppets. Jim Henson knew something.

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: What did Jim Henson know?

Sarah: Kishimoto knows something. What. Does. He. Know.

Alyssa: So where does that leave Frank Oz??

Sarah: I’m so fucking stressed out. We said somebody was Frank Oz in the Naruto universe, like two episodes back. 

Alyssa: Listen, we said it was Orochimaru. However…

Sarah: No, I think you’re still right, because think about Orochimaru for two seconds. He knows things.

Alena: He knows things.

Sarah: And he knows things that he is not telling other people. 

Alyssa: But also, is it possible that Frank Oz is one of the Tailed Beasts?

Sarah: Well, of course. Wait. Shit. 

Alyssa: Frank Oz is a jinchuriki!

Sarah: Frank Oz-- is-- is a jinchuriki in real life?

Alyssa: I think so-- [wheeze]

Sarah: I think you’re absolutely fucking correct. God-- I’m distracted-- hey, I think-- I’ve been digging through the Naruto wiki as we’ve been hopping, here. And I’ve ended up all the way on fucking Samehada’s wiki page, and I am just being reminded of how much I love Kisame. Damn I love Kisame. He’s fucking cool.

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: ANYWAY. Circling back to the muppet ninja puppet ninja-- circling back to Miss Chiyo. What else do we know about Granny Chiyo?

Alyssa: Um… I think.. I think we’ve about covered it. I think we’ve about wrapped it up. 

Sarah: I think we have. And you know what that means.

Alena: Cause we have--

Alyssa: We’ve been at it for a little while. Alena--

Alena: Yeah--

Alyssa: --Do you want to review for us what we’ve learned about Granny Chiyo?

Alena: So starting in the warring states period…

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: We see inter-village conflict stoked, of course, by the stronghold of the muppet ninjas. And due to the muppet ninjas’ repeated influence over other village states you see factions arising, um, as the… We could call them jinchuriki, we could call them the Tailed Beasts, but let's call them what they really are, the MegaMuppets. They are sent out to these other villages. And then of course and time moves on, techniques that have long been established become more developed with Granny Chiyo and the Puppet Brigade-- that is their canon name. The Puppet Brigade.

Sarah: The Puppet Brigade!

Alena: And um-- The Puppet Brigade, which sounds like a segment on Mister Rogers, um-- [laughing]

Alyssa: Oh my god, he’s part of it too!

Alena: Oh my god-- hoh--

Sarah: Oh my god, Mister Rogers is part of it-- We--

Alena: Okay. But, so… these established factions are forming coalitions behind their respective Tailed Beasts. The conflict is growing between puppet and muppet, not just between the Sand Village and the Leaf Village, but informing factions elsewhere. You see other forms of puppetry branch off, like in the Akatsuki. And we can trace all of that back to the techniques that were created and used most by Granny Chiyo herself. Who uh-- I think at that point has to be classified as a war criminal? But she’s also really cool so--

Sarah: She’s cool, you know what? She’s cool so I think she can get away with war crimes.

Alyssa: Eh--!

Alena: She’s cool so it’s fine-- Um. She is a grandmother, she is a warrior, she is a puppeteer, and she is, I think, at her core…. Old.

Sarah: Old. Which I think-- more people-- more women should be allowed to be.

Alena: Some would say… she’s not only old. She’s timeless. And I think that is what we love most about her. And that is one of her defining traits.

Sarah: She’s loved. 

Alyssa: Absolutely.

Sarah: And you know what? Not to be sappy for two seconds, but… Naruto’s about love, guys. 

Alyssa: Naruto’s about love. 

Alena: Naruto’s about love.

Sarah: It’s about friendships.

Alena: The love is stored in the hollow corpse puppet--

Alyssa: [wheeze]

Alena: --of your daughter in law that you lug around because your shitty, shitty grandson thought it might be nice to do that. But you know what, the puppet’s still pretty useful so we’re gonna go ahead and keep it--

Sarah: Yeah we’re not gonna let that shit go to waste. 

Alyssa: Don’t let that go to waste!

Alena: Yeah, let’s not be wasteful.

Alyssa: Waste not, want not.

Sarah: I think that’s a really good moral to draw from this. Granny Chiyo taught us one thing in life. And you know what that is?

Alyssa: What is that?

Sarah: Don’t be wasteful. And--

Alena: Love comes first, but don’t be wasteful. Cocaine, not even once. And always be a lesbian. We’ll see you next time on Til Death Do Us Nart! [laughing]

Alyssa: We have no idea who we’re doing next, you’ll find out eventually. 

Sarah: Well, bud--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Goodnight everyone--

Alyssa: Goodnight everybody.

End Message: Til Death Do Us Nart is a 103Ghouls Production podcast. It is created and produced by three women who are completely off their rocks. Theme song is “Drunk Punch Man” by Bullmoose. Find it and other songs by Bullmoose on Spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. To support the show, consider donating to our Patreon which can be found in the show notes. If you can’t, believe me, we understand. Please consider subscribing to us on Youtube, sharing the link to the show, and above all, talking us up on social media. We really appreciate the support. Oh, and one more thing: Thanks for listening.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]