Tsunade

We're wrapping up our discussions on the three legendary Sanin and we saved the best for last! This week we're discussing Tsunade! We're answering the following questions:
How does Tsunade keep her skin so smooth?
Has Tsunade abandoned orphans?
Are slugs simply naked snails?

Transcript can be found here: https://tildeathdousnart.buzzsprout.com/

A big thank you to Bullmoose for letting us use their song "Drunk Punch Man" as our theme music!
If you enjoyed the show please consider donating to our Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/tddun

Transcript

Alyssa (Intro): Seriousness and children should be left at the door. Very little of what our hosts are about to say is factual but will be crass. This is… Til Death Do us Nart.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]

Alyssa: So welcome back to Til Death Do Us Nart.

Alena: It's a character analysis and lifestyle podcast, this week we’re talking about...

Alyssa: Miss Tsunade!

Sarah: Miss Tsunade!

Alyssa: Everyone’s favorite funny aunt.

Alena: This will conclude our three legendary sannin episodes, of course, because it is the third one and we started off with the big three. And we’re gonna be telling some true facts about the woman who invented medicine, Tsunade… whatever the fuck her last name is-- she has a last name right?

Sarah: Um, Tsunade Senju-- her full name is Tsunade Senju. Senju.

Alena: That’s right, it is Senju, because she is related to the… first Hokage…?

Alyssa: Now is it the first one that we don’t like? Or the third?

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: It is the second one, the second Hokage… and the third Hokage. 

Alena: The second Hokage kinda blows, the third Hokage kinda blows. Tsunade’s the fourth Hokage right? So she’s okay--

Sarah: No, she’s the fifth Hokage, the fourth Hokage is Naruto’s dad

Alena: Right, okay-- so the fourth Hokage REALLY blows--

Sarah: --No no no the fourth Hokage wasn’t that bad--

Alena: The fourth Hokage’s the awful old man who like-- just kinda-- I mean he’s fine--

Sarah: Alena. 

Alena: Yes.

Sarah: We’re going to get so many people on twitter about this.  The third Hokage is the nasty old man, the fourth Hokage is NARUTO’S DAD.

Alena: Oh right-- oh I’m-- sarah, everyone knows Naruto’s dad isn’t important--[laughing]

Alyssa: I keep forgetting that Naruto is related to a Hokage.

Alena: Yeah no, that's the whole thing

Sarah: No, Alena-- he’s related to two, because he’s also related to Tsunade. She is his cousin.

Alyssa: Wait, really?

Sarah: Yes.

Alena: We haven't watched Naruto in well over a year now.

Sarah: Yeah, like Tsunade’s--

Alena: Yeah no, like I did remember that-- we gotta edit this shit out.

Sarah: Anyways!

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: No, I feel like this is all really relevant because we’re talking about Tsunade this week and I think we need to, of course, do our usual we’re um… now that we’re done workshopping and establishing who Tsunade is--

Alena: Mhmm

Sarah: -- We all go through and state a fact that we know about Tsunade.

Alena: That’s right…

Sarah: It’s very important. And uh, I think Alyssa should start.

Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: As usual.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alyssa: I think that's gonna start becoming a tradition here, oh well.

Alena: We force Alyssa to start.

Alyssa: Ah-- well, i actually have a very good one this week for her, though.

Sarah: Oh?

Alyssa: I really like her snails!

Alena: [gasp]-- They are slugs!

Sarah: They’re little slugs!

Alyssa: Are they slugs?

Alena: They’re slugs, they don’t have shells.

Sarah: Yeah, snails have shells, snails have shells--

Alyssa: AUGHHHH

Alena: If they’re snails, they're nakey.

Sarah: Yeah, they're nakey! They're very cute.

Alyssa: You know what? I'm not gonna judge them.

Sarah: No, that-- they’re very cute, and I love them. What’s her slug’s name?

Alena: Oh god--

Sarah: I gotta look it up, is it Katsuyu? 

Alyssa: YES!

Alena: I think it's Katsuyu. Let me look that up, because if we get that wrong…

Alyssa: I think it is

Alena: Here's the thing-- I'll condone myself forgetting that Naruto’s dad ever held political power, but i will not let myself forget the slug’s name.

Sarah: Oh yeah no, by god, do not fucking dare forget that, I swear, Alena.

Alena: Um.. Katsuyu, yep! Okay, we’re good.

Alyssa: Katsuyu! I can’t believe I thought she was a snail…

Sarah: No, she’s a slug! Thats okay though, snails and slugs are really fucking cool.

Alyssa: They are!

Alena: They’re gastropods! 

Sarah: Yeah, uh-- they’re gastropods! Damn, you know, I think this is gonna be another one of those episodes where we have a hard time being funny because Tsunade is actually legitimately really cool and I love her. 

Alena: Just like last time, we has to really just fuckin… step all over Jiraiya. We just like Tsunade too much and that’s our flaw as content creators.

All: [laughing]

Sarah: Is that-- oh god, yeah, we like Tsunade too much.

Alena: And we’re like, “Aw man I don't wanna be mean to her! She’ll come and beat me up!”

Sarah: She’s gonna beat me up, and also, I don't want to be mean to her. She deserves better than that. She’s really cool.

Alyssa: Can I give a second fact about Tsunade.

Alena & Sarah: Yes.

Alyssa: She's absolutely perfect and I love her.

Sarah: Yes, mhmm.

Alyssa: And that is a fact.

Sarah: And that is a fact, she's perfect and I love her.

Alena: Yeah, she is perfect and I do love her, um…

Alyssa: Tsunade did nothing wrong.

Sarah: Tsunade's never done anything wrong in her life, ever.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: I just-- honest to god, if someone ever tried to like tell me that she did something wrong, I might lose my mind, because I don't think that she done anything wrong

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: I'm serious, like…

Alyssa: She's never done a single goddamn thing wrong.

Alena: In the vast collection of things done wrong by adults in Naruto I feel like she's probably done the least. Um--

Sarah: Yeah, like she didn't leave orphans unattended--

Alena: On purpose, on purpose she didn't. I don’t think-- well no, cause she did have that orphan she was friends with, but then he died…?

Sarah: Okay, which orphan, you gotta tell me which orphan.

Alena: Okay, there was like--

Sarah: Describe the scene to me.

Alena: Okay. Tsunade, she looks at Naruto. And then Naruto does that thing-- the show, not the character-- where, like they superimpose that child over naruto, because like…

Sarah: Hey.

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: I have great news. That wasnt a fucking orphan that was her younger broughter you dumb slut--

Alena: [cackling]

Sarah: You-- you forgot she had a fucking brother and were like “Yeah, you know just some random orphan, I dont know how she knew him.”

Alena: [laughing]-- here's the thing. It's Naruto, I see a child, I assume it is parentless.

Sarah: Yeah! Um-- that's absolutely a fair assumption, every child in Naruto is--

Alyssa: There is no adult supervision that shows whatsoever. Kakashi does not count.

Alena: Kakashi doesn't count

Sarah: Kakashi is also an orphan, so--

Alena: [laughing]-- exactly.

Alyssa: Kakashi does not count because he’s not responsible.

Alena: Yeah. 

Sarah: Yeah, no he's not responsible.

Alena: So-- but circling back around to the issue of slugs. So we all know. The slug has healing powers, right?

Sarah: Yeah, she has healing powers-- well, actually fun fact, cause we’re actually just listing cool facts about Tsunade. Katsuyu in the japanese version is genderless, and they go by they/them. But in the english dub it did shift their pronouns to she/her. But um, I think using either one is okay because slugs are fine and they don't really have a construct of gender, but um you know--

Alena: Can you imagine if they did? What would--

Sarah: Oh, slug gender is the most complicated subject in entomology--

Alena: [laughing]-- the most hotly debated topic

Sarah: Slug gender

Alena: Slug gender

Sarah: That’s why Tsunade tends to only kinda summon one slug gender discourse has gotten so bad that they're really really busy, and she can only-- Katsuyu is the only one that doesn't care

Alena: Yeah, Katsuyu’s the only chill slug, the rest of them will start fighting each other.

Sarah: Oh yeah, they all have like, kin discourse at this point

Alena: Oh no.

Sarah: Yeah no I can’t--

Alena: Can’t do the slug-kin discourse

Sarah: I can't continue down this joke anymore--

Alena: We cant keep talking about um.. Kinnies, or we’re going to have to cancel the podcast.

Sarah: I would even say cut this part out but we’ll see--

Alena: Yeah we may uh-- um. Now, you think the goo’s got anything to do with the healing powers?

Sarah: I think the goo has everything to do with the healing powers

Alena: I think-- so, when we’re looking at the science of slug goo. Now-- the science of slug goo-- now, it is a known fact that in the human world, which is different from the Naruto world. The human world, the one that we live in--

Alyssa & Sarah: yes

Alena: Um, like face masks and cosmetics contain snail goo, but my question to you both is, why not slug goo?

Sarah: Hey Alena I have a -- okay.

Alena: [wheeze]

Sarah: Did you just imply-- maybe I was spaced out for a second-- but did you just imply that face masks in the real world are made out of snail goo?

Alena: [cackling]-- Now, that's not even a joke, that is fact, look it up. 

Sarah: Um.

Alyssa: Wait--

Sarah: I’m going to have a fucking panic attack.

Alena: It’s snail secretions-- now, not all of them, but it is an ingredient in several of them.

Sarah: You know, I kinda believe it, and I actually kind of like that because I finally get to feel the gentle smoothness of a snail.

Alyssa: Now, I'm going to say something controversial.

Sarah: Okay

Alena: Mhmm

Alyssa: Okay, um--

Alena: Wait don't

Alyssa: Wheeze-- what if--

Alena: My bad, I changed my mind, go ahead--

Alyssa: What if they are snails and Tsunade just makes them be naked?

Sarah: That is cruelty, I think

Alena: That is animal cruelty and I refuse to believe that our lord and savior-- our lord Hokage and savior Tsunade would never. In her life--

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: Absolutely fucking not.

Alena: --subject a snail to public indecency.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Yeah no, she would never do that to us. She would never betray her fans.

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Her fans, the three people in this fucking podcasting room

Alena: Yeah, her fans. Us three, and the slugs.

Sarah: And the slugs, oh my god, the slugs are all her biggest fans

Alyssa: Yes. Wait-- we are the slugs.

Sarah: I would love to be one of Tsunade's slugs.

Alena: Oh my god we are the slugs.

Sarah: I will make a slug-sona for this

Alena: Ohh, I already have-- hey great news everybody, I already have one.

Alyssa: WHAT

Sarah: Yeah, Alena has--

Alena: I have one, it's a little sea slug that I made, that I drew once--

Sarah: Now Alena I don't want to call you out or anything, but isn't that technically your fursona?

Alena: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah your fursona a slug, I think its really cute

Alena: Yeah-- I’m not afraid to admit it

Alyssa: Wait--

Alena: It’s my slimesona, baby

Alyssa: What have I-- what have I done…

Sarah: Yeah no, Alena’s fursona is a slug, and it actually makes me very happy I love her so much.

Alena: Its my slimesona-- yeah, she doesn't have a name yet, but…

Alyssa: I’m sorry-- hey, I think we need to make something clear here. Slugs don't have fur.

Sarah: Yeah, but like--

Alena: Not yet

Alyssa: Then they’re not fursonas

Sarah: Okay-- well, its an animal

Alena: Its an animal, same thing

Alyssa: A slugsona

Sarah: It is a slugsona

Alena: yeah it's a slugsona

Sarah: It's a slimesona

Alena: But it's under the larger umbrella of fursonas. Now-- my question to you. Is Tsunade’s fursona also a slug? 

Sarah: Yeah! Definitely, it's really cute.

Alena: Okay

Sarah: It's adorable, I feel like she really likes slugs. Like okay, one of my aunts, growing up-- she's a delightful lady and of course she's still in my life. I don't mean to phrase it like she's not around anymore. She is! So when i was younger, she collected pig statues. And so when you went around her house there were just little pigs everywhere. Absolutely fucking everywhere.

Alena: [gasp]

Sarah: And like, one of her bathrooms was covered in like really cute lil pig statues and it was one of my favorite rooms in the house because I love pigs. And she-- Tsunade also has a cute little pig that follows her around.

Alena: I was about to say, we’re fucking fools WE FORGOT ABOUT TONTON--

Sarah: We forgot about Tonton

Alyssa: Tonton!

Alena: Someone lock us away. We forgot about Tonton.

Sarah: --forgot about Tonton-- but I feel like she likes pigs as well, cause she has tonton but slugs are her passion

Alena: I would die for Tonton. Yeah.

Alyssa: So like-- the same thing my abuela used to do with roosters?

Sarah: Yes! But like cuter, cause its piggies

Alena: Yeah

Sarah: Perhaps. I also think roosters are kinda cute, but you know how pigs are just kinda like a little more off the beaten trail to collect, and that kinda makes it a little cuter?

Alyssa: Yeah…

Sarah: Yeah. It's always cuter when it's a little weird. Just like me.

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Alena, i think you opened up a great path there though that we absolutely have to fucking talk about Tonton. We need to talk about Tonton. Because I love Tonton so much.

Alena: We can talk about Tonton, you know, here's the thing. And I may use this to kind of segway into my own fact. And alyssa-- while I appreciate your fact about Tsunade being perfect, I will point out…

Alyssa: Are you going to--

Alena: -- She has a gambling addiction. And is an alcoholic, actively.

Alyssa: And she's still perfect!

Alena: No, I never said that she wasn't, however, my fact about Tsunade is that she is a goddamn mess. 

Sarah: Yeah, she’s a goddamn mess

Alyssa: Aren't we all?

Alena: And in some way, I was gonna say-- and in that way I can relate to her. I too and I’m considerable amounts of debt 

Alyssa: I too-- I’m not in debt but I do also have a gambling problem. Luckily I also have a big money anxiety issue, so it's not as bad as it could be. Like--

Sarah: I'm trying to remember if I'm in debt or not, and I've decided to not remember. Um…

Alena: I don't think you’re in debt, I'm pretty sure you paid off your school.

Alyssa: You paid off your school loan--

Sarah: No no-- now I have a car though

Alena: Oh that's true

Sarah: I'm back in debt

Alyssa: I mean. You’re fine.

Sarah: I'm fine. Im fine, this is fine.

Alena: You're not in Tsunade debt

Sarah: I would never-- I love Tsunade, I would never be in Tsunade debt

Alena: Oh god we both are making car payments now.

Sarah: Okay-- we are not talking about real life things anymore fuck this. 

Alena: [laughing]

Alyssa: Yeah…

Sarah: Here's the thing. The thing about like… I'm gonna circle back to like a pre-established canon we made in the last episode with Jiraiya, and that's how the three Sannin are a lot like-- you know those people you knew that were all friends, and only one of them manages to scrape out an excusable existence? 

Alena: ... Yeah.

Sarah: Tsunade is that, and the fact that she’s an alcoholic with a vast gambling addiction and an incredible amount of debt and she's still the most successful of her highschool friends? Says a lot about her highschool friends. 

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Yeah-- I also feel like it not only says a lot about her particular friends in the context of the three Sannin, but like. It also says a lot about-- this is the situation of the three Sannin, right? And they are like the top-level asskick ninjas. 

Sarah: Yeah no, like theyre the cream of the fucking crop.

Alena: They are the cream of the crop. One of them conducts unethical medical experiments on children, another writes porn for a living, and the third of is in so deep a debt that like-- if that debt were converted back to her she could buy out Wal-mart. Like -- [laughing]

Alyssa: Wait, you know what the worst part about this is? Is that they didn't ask Tsunade first to be the Hokage.

Sarah: Yeah, they went and they were like “Oh yeah, we’re gonna ask Jiraiya first”

Alyssa: We’re gonna ask--

Sarah: Wait, okay--

Alyssa: The porn guy--

Sarah: Did they ask Jiraiya first, wasn’t Jiraiya the person they were gonna ask if Tsunade said no?

Alyssa: No, they asked Jiraiya first because he was more accessible.

Sarah: I cannot fucking believe this

Alena: Yeah, cause he was hanging around all the time. Now-- so uh, it’s bad enough that she wasn't the first choice, but also looking at it from her perspective, she’d hightailed it out of the leaf village and was living a perfectly nice little life on her own with her little niece figure, Shizune. And her little pet pig and her little slug buddies, and they send the world’s most irritating eleven year old to track her down and ask her to be president.

Sarah: Yeah

Alena: Not even ask her, but like threaten her with physical violence if she did not agree to become president.

Alyssa: I forgot that they legit sent Naruto to find her.

Sarah: To be fair, Jiraiya was his chaperone but that's hardly better than sending an eleven year old. 

Alena: That's-- honestly-- can you imagine? Can you imagine, okay? Now. think about-- think about it--

Sarah: Yes

Alena: If you look at the leaf village as being like, highschool. It kind of sucks, there's not really any adult supervision, and everyone hates each other, right? You move out. You’re there, you have your best friend, you have your pet pig, you have some slugs. Just like we do now.

Sarah: Yeah that is actually just my real life.

Alena: Now. Uh--

Alyssa: Oh my god, see? Relatable. 

Alena: Your hometown sends the weird dude who played saxophone and sat behind you for four years in the marching band--

Sarah & Alyssa: [laughing]

Alyssa: And the current-- like-- section leader of the pit crew to come and drag your ass back because they’re like “You have to be mayor and we’re at a-- we’re gonna be at war in about-- checks clock-- six months”

Sarah: I want you to know that this is actually my exact nightmare scenario.

Alyssa: [cackling]

Alena: [wheeze]-- it is-- it's literally-- like can you imagine? And even worse, I mean, she was kind going from town to town, because again. Gambling addiction, alcoholism, lots of debt, people chasing after her. Um, her options were essentially “Be tracked down by the people collecting on the loans that she had accumulated” or “become president of leaf ninja territory” which the the very least, she didn't have to pay back her debt-- [laughing]

Sarah: Exactly, she's like, “Well I don't have to pay back my debt if I'm president right?”

Alena: Yeah, so the real question is-- the real question is; would you take an incredibly stressful public office placement that you 1) Do not qualify for, and 2) Do not want to perform if it meant that all the current debt in your life would be erased?

Sarah: Um-- I do have to say…

Alyssa: Alena?

Alena: Cause that's a hard choice

Sarah: That’s a really hard choice.

Alyssa: Alena? I think we need to get off this subject because-- you know that sounds like?

Sarah: Yeah-- I-- yeah--

Alena: [gasp]-- laughter

Sarah: I think you know. I think you know.

Alena: I--

Sarah: Oh my god--

Alena: Okay-- 

Alyssa: He will not be named.

Alena: -- It’s okay, this is going up in February, everything will-- [nervous laughter]

Alyssa: [laughing]-- Alena are you okay?

Sarah: Hooooo. Ohhhhhh ho-hooo guys. Guys we gotta get out of this fucking hole right now.

Alena: We gotta get out 

Sarah: We can't be here, we can't be here.

Alena: We just open the door and there's just a landmine in there beeping away, we gotta go--

Sarah: We gotta go right now. I just got a surge of anxiety

All: [nervous laughter]

Alyssa: And I'm sorry that that was my brain that set it off, but--

Sarah: No-- you’re fine, it’s funny, but it would have been funny like six months ago and now it’s not funny.

Alena:-- and now its not funny--

Sarah: Okay okay-- oh my god, that fucking ruined my vibe and I’m so sorry.

Alyssa: I'm so sorry!

Sarah: No, it's okay-- um, so we were talking about how the leaf village is just highschool. And that that actually makes this existence my entire nightmare. Um, and here’s the thing. Tsunade did that, and I have to circle back and just praise her. Because the thing about Tsunade taking that position when she's not qualified, and it's horrifically stressful, and there’s nobody else to do it, is that-- not to go like, girlboss twitter, but she did that. Like she took that on. And she did her fucking job.

Alena: She took that on, and here’s the thing-- yeah, she was-- now I don't know all of Naruto history. But I would be willing to place a small amount of money on that she was one of the more effective Hokages that the leaf village ever had.

Sarah: Oh she absolutely was.

Alena: And uh-- she hated every second of it

Sarah: She did! And here's the thing, I feel like most people who are in public offices that do a good job kind of hate every second of it. Because like, they actually know how to do it. And Tsunade is an example of that. Tsunade is an example of that-- Kakashi’s also an example of that.

Alena: Oh my god, Konoha’s just the world biggest group project and she’s the only one who ever did shit

Sarah: It’s true! 

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Now Kakashi-- Kakashi did some nice stuff as well, but he only did it because-- he also hated every second of it.

Alena: He also hated every second of it.

Alyssa: Oh my god I forgot kakashi became Hokage too.

Sarah: That's for another episode, but--

Alena: Oh god, he did, but that's for another episode.

Alyssa: That's a scary thought why did they make him Hokage?

Sarah: Everyone else died--

Alena: Everyone else died, next question

Sarah: Tsunade like, broke the seal on the metaphorical pickle jar there. Like um, anybody else who was a Hokage after her owes her so fucking much, because god that woman did a lot.

Alena: like, um. Cause you look at the record for Hokages and you have the first one. And I'm sure he did fine. Or whatever--

Alyssa: Was that Tobirama?

Sarah: Uh no, that was Hashirama

Alena: That was Hashirama

Sarah: Um-- Tsunade’s grandpa. 

Alena: Um, yeah, there was Hashirama, Tsunade’s grandpa, and then there was Tobirama-- Hashirama’s boyfriend-- and then there was--

Sarah: Um Alena? Alena Alena Alena Alena. Don’t say that.

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Alena they are brothers--

Alena: Wait-- DAMMIT I'm thinking of MADARA

Alyssa: Oh my god

Sarah: You're thinking of Madara-- Madara

Alena: He was never Hokage

Sarah:-- and Hashirama were boyfriends. Madara and Tobirama hated each other because Tobirama was Uchiha racist. 

Alyssa: Hehh--

Alena: Wait-- wait is Tobirama the blue one??

Sarah: Yea Tobirama’s the blue one

Alena: Ohh okay I know who he is now, I forgot momentarily that he fucking existed. Madara was never Hokage…

Sarah: Yeah. Madara was never Hokage because-- we can’t get into the details of Madara discourse because this is actually discussing the political theory of naruto and that's not why we’re here.

Alyssa: Wait-- didn’t Madara become Tobi?

Sarah: No-- eh, yes, but he--

Alena: No--

Sarah: Wait-- 

Alena: Oh I hate this

Sarah: No, he didn't. That was just Obito talking like he was.

Alyssa: Ohh, that’s right-- thats right, okay he was pretending to be Madara.

Sarah: Yes

Alyssa: Okay, I remember now.

Sarah: He was pretending to be madara. Oh my god.

Alyssa: Spoiler alert!

Sarah:Yeah-- here's the thing, if people are listening to this, I don't think they ever plan on listening to Naruto-- listening to Naruto. Uh-- watching Naruto.

Alyssa: Either that or they already have

Sarah: Because I think we’ve done an awful job at pitching Naruto

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Or that, or we have actually made an awful pitch of actually watching Naruto instead of just listening to us talk about Naruto. Um, okay. So circling back, Alena has done a fact. Alyssa has done a fact. Have I done a fact?

Alyssa: It's your turn

Sarah: It's my turn, and I have to consider all the Tsunade facts I know. Um, not to be like unironic for two seconds, but you know what I think was the most wild shit that Tsunade ever did?

Alyssa: Tell us

Sarah: You know that time that she was like, fighting Kabuto? And she punched him in the face and reversed all of his nerve endings so they were backwards?

Alena: Oh my god

Sarah: It think about that constantly

Alena: I do remember that

Sarah: --cause that was big sexy

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Like… imagine some lady who just whacks you in the fucking face, and then suddenly your left brain is your right brain and your right brain is your left brain, and all parts of your brain are the permanently encroaching death brain because she’s about to kill you.

Alena: Um, she had Kabuto moving like the little icon from the QWOP game that everyone used to play in middle school

Alyssa: The what game?

Alena: The-- like the little game where you have to make the person run but you can only control each of their limbs with the keys Q, W, O, P and it spells out “QWOP”

Sarah: Yeah it spells out QWOP

Alena: But like you have to make them run, but they just end up flopping everywhere because it's very hard to control an icon like that.

Alyssa: Okay, i’m gonna say something mean.

Sarah: No, say it.

Alyssa: Your experiences are not universal

Sarah: Actually Alyssa, that isn't mean, both of us have played QWOP, and you have not.

Alena: Here's the thing, i've never even played it, but i saw people play it 

Sarah: I have played QWOP, and it is actually one of the funniest games I've ever played in my life. Not because it's like, exceedingly quality or anything, but it's funny in the sheer simplicity of  watching a horse malfunction is funny so long as there are no consequences.

Alyssa: Hehhh

Sarah: Because usually there’s many consequences of a horse malfunctioning.

Alyssa: Yes.

Sarah: I have some experience.

Alyssa: Uh-huh.

Sarah: anyway. 

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: But here’s the thing, i do have very fond memories of watching my friends play that while I was in highschool, and we were like laughing] so hard I was almost incapacitated afterwards by a computer. But it was enjoyable. But anyways, yeah she just plays QWOP with your bones and just really think that’s cool in a woman. I just think she is super successful, can reverse you nerve endings, have a really cute pig, does not abandon orphans, I mean like, she’s got it all--

Alena: She's got it all!

Alyssa: Yeah!

Alena: For a Naruto character she sails high above the very low bar of “Has only abandoned a few orphans” where she’s hardly-- she’s really not abandoned any

Alyssa: Ah man, she should have lived

Sarah: Yeah.

Alena: I thought she died-- wait-- DID Tsunade DIE?

Sarah: Wait-- wait wait wait wait wait-- WHO DIED?

Alyssa: Tsunade

Alena: Tsunade DIED?

Sarah: Tsunade doesn’t die!

Alena: Tsunade--

Alyssa: Then why does Kakashi take over as Hokage?

Alena: Because she’s old, she retired. She's tired!

Sarah: She’s tired!

Alena: She’s fine! She still--

Sarah: Tsunade’s fine, Tsunade’s alive

Alyssa: I thought she died!

Alena: I think she’s still alive in.. Baruto maybe

Sarah: Alyssa-- yeah, she is, she is.

Alena: Okay.

Sarah: Alyssa I want you do describe to me how you assume Tsunade died

Alyssa: I thought she got like really fucked up

Sarah: Well yeah, she got really fucked up

Alena: Yeah, real fucked up. But yeah shes-- the last I heard she's fine--I HOPE

Alyssa: I’m looking this up--

Alena: Oh no--

Sarah: No, she’s alive, I know she's alive

Alyssa: I’m looking this up

Sarah: Okay, no yeah, because there’s several times when she should have died, which I think honestly makes her even fucking cooler. Because there’s the time where-- it was right after Pein destroyed the village I believe, and she pushed herself too far, or something and ended up collapsing. Or did something happen to her? It was like where--

Alyssa: I’m-- hang on--

Sarah: She… she had to turn off her regeneration where like, she actually looked her age as well, but they didn't show us--

Alena: Out of respect for her

Sarah: And there was a second time-- yeah, out of respect for her-- there was the second time where she almost died where madars essentially blew her in half through the stomach but orochimaru actually helped her out, and then after that she was pretty okay. Like she retired and then Kakashi took over. And he spent his time building up the Konoha public school district

 Like he should have. Well Alyssa, are you finding your fact satisfactory?

Alyssa: Um… hang on…

Sarah: I-- Tsunade’s not dead, godammit, just go to the Naruto wiki. You look and see if--

Alyssa: I'm on Naruto wiki and I don't see anything about status

Sarah: She’s not dead.

Alena: Here’s the thing, here’s the thing. We’re gonna make this real east, we’re gonna go on google.

Sarah: We’re gonna go on Google

Alena: “Is. Tsunade. Dead.”

Sarah: Is Tsunade dead, does Tsunade die in Naruto, “But she never dies and  also survives Madara’s multiple Susanoo attacks. She also makes an appearance in Naruto Gaiden'' so she’s alive in the Baruto universe. Also she’s made appearances in Baruto.

Alyssa: Okay

Alena: She’s fine

Sarah: Yeah, she's fine, don't worry. I appreciate your concern, but I absolutely promise that Tsunade is perfectly fine, she;s in good health and I'm so happy for her.

Alena: Now we thought about all these facts but um… can-- now she hasn’t died, but can Tsunade die?

Sarah: Oh, absolutely. And I think, you know, immortality is a curse and I don't think she would choose not to die

Alena: I don't think she would either

Sarah: She’ll go when it's her time

Alena: Now-- and I don't want to get graphic, but I know that she's been keeping herself looking quite young. Do you think that when-- is it gonna be like a dust situation?

Sarah: You imply-- mm. Alena. Do you think that she ever skips her moisturization routine?

Alena: Okay, now, but here’s the thing. Now here's the thing

Sarah: She never skips the routine

Alena: Now but Sarah, you have posed-- you've set her up for something so much worse than-- now imagine this. She dies. And it is like a sort of graceful turning to ash, which is awful--

Sarah: Yes

Alena: --but at least it like, you know--

Alyssa: Mister Stark I don't feel so good--

Alena: -- the little “ahhh, yes [mumbling] on the winds' '-- now-- but, what you're proposing is that she's too moist to do that which means it would be more like a sloughing, and that's so much worse!

Sarah: Um-- she-- okay, circling back, that's why her skin looks so good, because of the snail--

Alena: Oh my god you're right. I'm a fool

Sarah: C'mon man, like. And also not to get technical because what you said was very funny--

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: But like, her jutsu doesn't keep her alive, like, an unnaturally long time. If anything-- actually, because I researched a lot about this jutsu because it interests me for reasons you're both aware of--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Her lifespan is technically going to be a little shorter than it should have been, because every time she uses the-- I can't remember what its call right now, but every time she uses the hundred healings I believe--

Alena: Oh yeah

Sarah:-- it actually shortens her overall lifespan because her cell-turnover increases. Its like mitosis or something. And so, she's in like her sixties but she's probably not gonna live to be ninety or one hundred. She’s shaved probably several years off her life and I don't know if Naruto’s ever really gonna address that. Anyway--

Alena:-- I wouldn't trust them to-- [laughing]

Sarah: Here’s the thing-- I love Tsunade and I respect her aesthetic choices, but seeing as how they don't let her age like a normal person anyways, I doubt that they--

Alena:--I know, I’m like-- here’s the thing, I respect her choice to keep looking young, however it would be buck wild if they let us see a regularly appearing old women in Naruto that wasn't just like, “She's here for an arc and then gone”

Sarah: Yeah, exactly, like you know Naruto has some sick old ladies but I think for Tsunade’s character arc--

Alena: But-- all those old ladies don't tend to last very long

Sarah: Looking at Chiyo

Alena: Granny Chiyo

Sarah: Sorry ma'am

Alyssa: Ohh, I forgot about her. Hey can she be our next episode?

Alena: We’re not gonna be able to make any funny episodes because we’re just gonna talk about all the ladies we love so much.

Sarah: Um, Alena thats a fucking lie because Granny Chiyo is one of the funniest characters out there--

Alena: You are right 

Sarah: Um. Her two hobbies are fishing and acting like she's dead to scare people

Alyssa & Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Which I think should be every grandma’s hobby those are pretty good

Alyssa: Okay wait, save the content for her episode--

Sarah: Yeah, like I can't totally go off the shits about Granny Chiyo because she's really cool, but she’s another episode. I think she should be our next episode

Alena: That's true

Alyssa: We should have a little interlude episode I think that should be about her

Sarah: I think we should yeah, that would be really lovely. But yeah, I'm actually trying to calculate how old she should be but…  so, we’re gonna go down another rabbit hole to fill some time and look at her trivia page on the naruto.fandom.com/wiki/Tsunade website. Hm, let me serif she has any fun little fact. Did you know that her-- she, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru all have uhh somehow share a blood type.

Alena: That seems suspicious and I feel like-- I feel like that might be Orochimaru’s fault, I don't know how that happens between three people but  I think that that's Orochimaru's fault.

Alyssa: Yeah.. I--

Sarah: I’ll be honest, as a military organization that's actually not a bad idea, I know it wasn't done purposefully but--

Alena: It is--

Sarah: And i know the naruto guy didnt think about this that hard, but if you were out in, you know-- one of them is a trained medical professional, and if you were out in the field and one of you needs a blood transfusion, everyone in the squad is the same blood type so you can all be donors to one another 

Alyssa: That's true

Sarah: I cant believe that actually makes sense but it's probably, once again, something that's not intentional. Um.. let me see…

Alyssa: Now, what is their blood type, though?

Sarah: Uh, let me scroll up to the top-- I think she's a blood type B? Yeah! She’s a blood type B. So Orochimaru and Jiraiya are both blood type B.

Alyssa: Huh!

Sarah: Yup! Which is funny cause they're not universal donors. I don't know a lot about blood types, but I know… O+ is the universal donor. Unless I'm wrong.

Alyssa: That's what I am.

Sarah: I could be wrong

Alyssa: Yup! O+ actually O in general I think is a universal donor. 

Sarah: It might be, I think you’re probably right. Also down in the trivia at the bottom, Tsunade is the only Hokage to live long enough to see two generations of successors take office

Alena: Wild

Sarah: Wild, it's almost like she kept her shit together

Alyssa: I like how she just got the shit beaten out of her and then just was like, “You know what? I'm tired, yall.”

Sarah: “Im gonna take a fuckin’ nap”

Alena: She like, “I’m gonna do the responsible thing and retire before I fucking beef it.

Sarah: Yeah, like. Lets see. Where’s another cool Tsunade fact that I can find here? God, you know can't get started on stuff about Tsunade that makes me mad, cause it's never her fault, it's the people that wrote her. Anyways. Cause like for the most part she’s written really, really well. And i think its because shes a mature woman and has kind of already had her character arc and you’re just kind of allowed to learn about her and see her succeed

Alena: Mhmm

Sarah: Which is something I think is very important because seeing Tsunade succeed is actually one of the most satisfying bits of character development that Naruto gives a woman-- even though they should have let her fight more. A lot more.

Alena: Yeah

Sarah: Because she has one of the most visually satisfying fighting styles because taijutsu is the coolest shit

Alena: Mhmm

Sarah: No one can tell me taijutsu isn't the coolest shit.

Alena: Taijutsu’s fucking sick

Alyssa: Okay-- I think that's a topic we need to talk about for a second because I legit forget what the three types are

Sarah: So there's taijutsu, ninjutsu, and genjutsu. Taijutsu is--

Alena: Taijutsu is physical…

Sarah: Like martial arts

Alena: Yeah, that's what Might Gai and Rock Lee do is taijutsu

Alyssa: Oh yeah

Sarah: And then Tsunade is-- okay well technically there's like,  medical ninjutsu but its like a subtype of ninjutsu

Alena: As far as combat goes.

Sarah: Aeah, as combat goes. Um Tsunade, because of her modified strength and not fighting with any other kind of jutsu, she mostly does taijutsu because shes really fucking scary strong, and why wouldnt you just beat the shit out of things with your bare hands? Which is a character concept that I love. Dearly. Um...but yeah, cause there's ninjutsu which is all the fancy elemental shit that everybody else tends to do the most. It's the most common in the series. And then there’s genjutsu which is illusory. It's when you reach into the mind of your opponent and start manipulating their senses.

Alena: It’s what Itachi does

Alyssa: So like the sharingan

Sarah & Alena: Yeah--

Alena: Well--

Sarah: Sharingan is weird because Sharingan gives you access to a genjutsu but there’s also several secondary abilities it can give you. Sharingan is very weird because it does a lot of things.

Alena: Yeah, the eye --

Sarah: I could spend a whole episode talking about the Sharingan--

Alena: The stuff that special eyes can do is a little bit of a different ballpark, but what Itachi does is genjutsu.

Sarah & Alyssa: Yeah

Alyssa: I just could never get those straight in my head it’s just like “Okay, uh-huh”

Alena: Now… 

Sarah: Please, ask me Naruto questions, bud. I love to fill in stuff with cool Naruto facts

Alyssa: This has been cool Naruto facts with Sarah

Sarah: Yeah, I know things

Alena: Sings a the more you know tune--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Now-- something that I have also pulled up on the Tsunade trivia page. I would like to point out that it is canon that Tsunade wants to fight Naruto. She wishes to fight naruto. The child boy. Which honestly? Same. I mean look at him.

Alyssa: Mhmm, yeah.

Alena: Cause I think-- she loves him, she has affection for him he reminds her of her little brother, but she does really wanna kick his ass. Cause I mean. Look at him.

Alyssa: Alena. Hey Alena does that sound familiar?

Alena: I’m… stupid. No. What are you referencing? [wheeze]

Alyssa: Sarah, do you know what I'm referencing?

Sarah: No I don’t know what you're referencing

Alyssa: Who do we always say is like Naruto?

Sarah:... you?

Alyssa: Yeah.

Sarah: Aww Alyssa…

Alena: I don't want to fight you!

Sarah: Don't wanna fight you!

Alyssa: Put em up, bitch!

Sarah: Oh okay I see how it is, this is exactly like that episode of Naruto

All: [laughing]

Sarah: Wait I suddenly understand--

Alena: Alyssa’s taking you back to be mayor

Alyssa: [cackling]

Sarah: Oh my god-- she’s kidnapping me

Alena: Ew does that make me Jiriaya? I don't wanna be Jiraiya!

Sarah: No Alena, you're Orochimaru, you’re very slippery.

Alena: This is true-- but also, I'm a fool, of course I am Katsuyu the slug, who am I kidding?

Alyssa: Alena, you wanna wrap us up?

Alena: So. Overall, I feel like what we’ve talked about here today has been less on the “hee hee funny” side of things because there is so little criticism that we can, but also, are willing to give Tsunade. Um--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Alena: Because I think what is most important about her character is that even though she is kind of a mess, she tries so hard. And even if--

Alyssa: Singing the song. You know the one.

Alena: -- and in the end it DOES matter-- she made a difference, dammit! She got a job that she never asked for, a job that she never wanted, but she came in and she did the best that she could given the circumstances, and you know what? I think that her presence is the only reason hat the leaf village didnt completely fucking fall apart once everything fell to shit in shippuden, so--

Alyssa: [laughing]

Sarah: Exactly, no, youre absolutely fucking right

Alyssa: You're valid

Alena: Who was gonna fill those shoes? Jiraiya?? No!

Sarah: [singing “Who’s gonna fill those shoes”]

Alena: His feet are too big

Alyssa: Apparently Kakashi and then Naruto

Sarah: Um, hey I just realized that none of you guys-- okay I’m so fucking mad at y’all. I’m so mad that yall dont have the country music fucking subconcious experience that you didnt realize what I was referencing--

Alena: Oh no no no-- I think that you should go ahead and repeat yourself because I think that we'd all like to hear 

Sarah: no, I'm not gonna talk about Who’s Gonna Sing the Opry.

Alyssa: the what?

Sarah: see? Exactly, you don't--

Alyssa: no i just don't understand what you’re saying, hang on.

Sarah: Yeah, the opry.

Alena: The Grand Ole Opry

Sarah: Yeah, exactly, you don't know what the Opry is--[honk]

Alena: Hoo, she's goose laughin’

Alyssa: I think we gotta go, fellas

Sarah: You don't even know what the Opry is, how can we even have this discussion

Alena: Oh I didn't realize we’d invited Orochimaru for the last ten minutes of our show.

Sarah: Yeah, Orochimaru would go to the Grand Ole Opry with me.

Alena: “Tsunade. You simply must come to the Opry. Tsunade Reba’s going to be there.”

Sarah: Sorry-- if anyone who actually listens to George Jones listens to thing-- which I feel like I doubt the people who know a lot about george jones and the people who listen to naruto podcasts--

Alena: Listen, the Venn Diagram-- if someone fits in the middle of the venn diagram of “listens to this shitty little podcast” and  “also listens to George Jones” I feel like we deserve to meet them.

Sarah: Yeah, because-- who’s gonna fill their shoes?

Alena: Exactly

Sarah: Who's gonna stand that tall?

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Who's gonna play the Opry? And the Wabash Cannonball?

Alena: [laughing]

Sarah: Anyway, if theres one person who knows what the fuck im talking about I’ll be happy.

Alena: This has been Till Death Do Us Nart! Join us next time for whatever the hell’s in store, I guess!

Alyssa: Granny Chiyo!

Alena: Lady Chiyo

Sarah: Lady Chiyo! We’ll see ya next time.

Alyssa: See ya next week.

End Message: Til Death Do Us Nart is a 103Ghouls Production podcast. It is created and produced by three women who are completely off their rocks. Theme song is “Drunk Punch Man” by Bullmoose. Find it and other songs by Bullmoose on spotify, iTunes, and Bandcamp. To support the show, consider donating to our Patreon which can be found in the show notes. If you can’t, believe me, we understand. Please consider subscribing to us on Youtube, sharing the link to the show, and above all, talking us up on social media. We really appreciate the support. Oh, and one more thing: Thanks for listening.

[Drunk Punch Man by Bullmoose plays]